How to get the best support possible… or not to tick off a tech

Here are some tips on what to do when you call tech support.  This is more of a ran than anything so here it goes:

• When you reach me don't blame me for your problem or complain about another tech or how much time you had to wait.  Guess what the guy before you did the same thing.  He made you wait and so did the guy before hime ::watches snowball roll down hill::
• Don't call me when your computer is off or you are not at it.  I do not want to wait for 10 minutes because you've got an 8 year old emachine.   This also adds to people complaining about the hold time.
• Don't say something isn't there.  I have done this for many years and know it is there.  I especially know you are lying when you respond immediately.
• Don't say you don't know what I mean when I give you instructions.  I'm speaking plain english.  If I say look for the Windows I mean that the word Windows will be on the screen.  Not something close to that.
• If you say you don't know where to find it and I took you to a screen you are an idiot.  I give you a 5 x 7 inch screen to find one word with a maximum of 20 words on it yet you can find the Ho Ho's at the 1 acre Super Wal-Mart.
• Don't say you are not computer illiterate.  If you say this meaning you do not know about computers you are far more illiterate than you think.
• Do not close an error message before we are done with it and say it disappeared.  I know you closed it, I know you are a retard.
• Do not say you don't think that the reason I give you for the issue or having to call someone else is not the problem.  I am the tech support person.  You called me for help remember?  You were the dingus that couldn't find the start button.
• You do not have a mow-dee-um.  It is a mo-dumb.
• Your computer is not the screen you are looking at.  It is the box like thing that has your cd-rom drive and your modem in it.  Also note, the computer is not the modem.
• I'm more intelligent than 95% of you fools out there, I took an IQ test.  So please don't try to act smart, I can tell the difference.

I'll add to this list as I take more calls…

AOL search – Thou Art Loosed!!

Well, I was looking for a topic to talk about that would be AOL related. And it was promised earlier, so here it is…

The site of focus is AOL Advanced search
I ran along this while reading the FAQ's on AOL's searchsite. If you want to refine a search and don't feel like typing (OR, AND, -, NOT) it has fields which you can fill out.

Here are some tips for searching

• Make use of the NOT field why search for Starsky and Hutch and get endless pictures of Ben and Owen when you want the original bad mamma jamma's of law enforcement
• If you are looking for something exact like a quote use the exact phrase field
• Lets say you lost a pdf that you once had concerning the IRS or the latest House M.D. fanfic, choose Adobe Acrobat PDF (*.pdf) from the format menu
• Got a problem you think microsoft has the answer for and you only want their take on the issue?  Then enter microsoft.com in the domain search only.  Or exclude them if they make you angry ::shakes fist::

Well those are just a few nifty features of the Advanced Search.  Enjoy!

Our deepest apologies

Today on May 4th, 2006 a very regrettable deed has happened. One of our Irqportz trio has reported on a very controversial topic. Irqportz #1, as we call him, made a post regarding the hot-greasing of a customer in a restaurant. His post was considered somewhat extreme and even grotesque to many. It is not of the Irqportz standards, and we were forced to reprimand Irqportz #1. Currently, he is no longer part of the staff here, for how long it is not certain. #1 left one last note to the fans and to our community, in an effort to repair any damage done:

"The decision to post a comment regarding the hot-greasing of a customer in a restaurant was made after Irqportz went home for the day. The rest of the Irqportz trio was completely unaware of it. It was not my intention that it went as far as it did. I apologize to anyone offended — including my audience, random readers, and fellow bloggers, who were completely unaware it would happen.

With love to my fans, #1." 

Again, at Irqportz we regret any offense taken at the post of #1, and he will no longer be among our staff for a probationary period. Until then he may post in the comments section.