Archive | April 2006

This just in.. Jessica Simpson is not hot anymore

I suppose I could talk about the lastest blah blah from Bill Gates toting some new and improved feature/product that will either become the next thing or fade into obscurity. Blogs will clamor to cover it, so if it does take off they were "there when it happened." However, I will spare you my attempts to look cool and nerdy covering a techo-feature today. Does it really matter if you go a day without seeing something about an I-pod? I say no.

Today I would like to talk about Jessica Simpson. She is probably the most overrated celebrity I've seen in a long time. And yet, some people buy her "I'm a dumb bleached blonde" routine. Don't get me wrong, she used to be quite the hottie (evidence). But now her fake fish lips, other cosmetic "enhancements", and country-bumpkin act are really getting tired. Bleh

And then there is Jessica's sister, Ashlee Simpson. Hopefully talent doesn't run in the family. Case in point her ill-fated attempt to lip sync on Saturday night live, don't people remember Milli Vanilli? When the record skips you have a lot of explaining to do. And then the poor kid tried to blame it on her band, so sad. If I was in her band I so would have sold her diary to the enquirer after that crap.

Well since the Saturday night live incident, Ashlee has abandoned her "alternative rocker" routine and now has become a pure imitation of Jessica Simpson. Case in point, how her look has changed: Before After Don't get me wrong, she doesn't look bad, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers if you know what I mean.

Anyways, back to Jessica. I can think of several nobodies that are hotter. Like this incredibly hot school teacher lady. School teacher lady. Hmm I think some more pictures are warranted. Yeah. She was recently arrested for having "relations" with one of her students. My question is, where the hell was she when I was in high school?

Jessica Simpson, eat your heart out.


The Matrix Online – Why it failed

The Matrix Online was supposed to be one of the best MMORPG's on the market when it was introduced. The premise was simple, become Neo, be the "one", and win the internet. The trouble is, what do you do with 10,000 players who all want to win the internet?

How can you placate them? "Look Johnny, I understand your desire to win the internets, but you must realize that Susie, George, Bob, and Stinklebean over here also want to win the internet." How do you tell 10,000 would be heroes that there are 9,999 other would-be heroes?

Answer: You can't. It would crush the egos of the pasty, sickly pale kids who survive for years without social interaction; their only reason for living being some pending video game accomplishment. You simply can't take that away from them. Just as in the matrix, if the mind dies, the body dies.

There are other problems noted with the game in addition to the above. The characters on the screen had chronic "muppet mouth." In other words, they probably could have done better animation with several cans of tuna and a tube sock. This was highly unrealistic and non-immersive. And frankly, it kinda creeped me out.

Here is an artist's rendition of what playing Matrix online was like: Artist's rendition

I think I've had more fun throwing zip lock bags of rancid greenbeans at oncoming traffic. Fortunately this is no longer our problem. Time Warner sold the rights for Matrix Online to Sony Online Entertainment on June 17, 2005. Now that this tur.. er.. torch has been passed on, other avenues of gaming can be explored.

Note: The Matrix Online, Time Warner, and Sony Online Entertainment are registered trademarks of their respective holders.

Coding Forums

While searching for coding forums on the web using the invulnerable Firefox browser, I came across this site instead:  Chuck Norris Jeans

It got me so excited that I nearly forgot the task at hand; coding.
These pants look so cool that I ordered a pair. In fact, I ordered two pairs, one for myself and one for my cousin Frank, who is a black belt in Mu Tai.

I’m no slouch myself, I used to street fight growing up and would get money pots from winning. I was in pretty good shape, I even had a six-pack, something that is hard to obtain now as a programmer. Anyway, it helped my family pay the bills so they were ok with it. But now my interest is more on computers and their applications.

Back to my search for coding, I came across many sites that claimed Tom Cruise wanted to chow down on his wives newly expired placenta. I began to think what exactly was in the placenta and its role in pregnancy and childbirth. The more I thought about it, the more ill I became. In fact, I had to UNPL because the thought of Tom Cruise eating a placenta rendered me hopelessly disgusted. I nearly gagged at my member. The member’s cries of “Hello? Hello?” were met with a faint weezing sound I was making. In any case that’s a story for another time.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah programming. There are lots of programming forums I want to look into. I will be reviewing them and we will later compare them for our purposes

Mac training

I just found out, everyone is going to get mac trained at the call center. That is interesting, I wonder why they still support the old OS. I would make them use a ASCII/Unicode browser so they can only see text. The machines are so old, it’s too hard to work with them. Some of them can still run javascript but in general they will not load pages with flash or activeX controls in them.

Let’s talk about Mac’s.  Well a Mac is just a Windows NT machine that was made way before its time.  Nothing wrong with that. I find it hard to hack on macs. They have so few things you can do to them for modifications. I think this is probably the number one difference between macs and PCs. A mac is like a car with its hood welded shut. Since we are coders it makes our life difficult, so I will not be using macs except maybe to test web pages.

The new OS X is pretty cool, uses open source code and Unix base. It could use some more support for Internet Explorer and office applications though IMO.

And now, my real introduction…

I would like to say sorry for the informal intro I presented yesterday, I was too busy assisting members with clearing out cookies and resetting locations :P. Enough small talk, behold:

At Irqportz we like to mess around, but when it comes down to it, we are coders at heart. Our years of experience at AOL give us access to advanced technical knowledge, including the latest tech buzzwords. XML, HTML, Javascript. We pretty much have them down. We have filled out applications for other positions in AOL. I'm afraid we may have to say goodbye to our beloved callcenter soon. Even so, we will still continue to keep this blog up to date with hot topics.

For example, I was bored today on my break and I started hacking. Not hacking in the bad sense, but the good productive kind. Here is what a few minutes of work produced:


As you can see the AOL and Internet technologies have limitless potential, and we hope to show others how to use them. It's challenging, but you don't have to be a tech to learn this stuff.

Taking it to the DANGER ZONE!

Well I just got off a horrible call where the member said her cat peed on the keyboard and was not able to sign on. Turned out the urine had shorted out the ever important asdf row. After arguing for 30 minutes and blowing my day I decided to hit the road for lunch. I had brought a sandwich but there is only one thing that can change my state of mind. That is Kenny Loggins singing ‘Danger Zone’. I hopped in my festiva, threw on my bomber jacket with the Maverick name patch, in 90 degree weather no less, and cranked the tune. I felt free weaving in and out of traffic with the driving guitar music and sweet sweet lyrics. It was an esoteric experience. Only the chosen few will experience it. I hope that you the reader are one of them.

Funderbuss and the Legend of Pikminlink

Recently while searching for Legend of Zelda hacks I came across a dude/dudet who dresses up as Link. What the heck is that thing? Why is it so hard to determine, it is like if SNL took Pat and put that WoMan into fantasy clothing and let it roam free on the internet. If you are a forensic anthropologist or close friend of this person please help me out. I’m banging my head against the desk trying to figure out what sh…, well it is.

See for yourself at: