Archive | May 2006

What our readers want

We know what our readers want. That’s right, and it’s not because we’re geniuses, or psychic, or even clairvoyantly inclined. We know what they want, because we have the search results at wordpress. WordPress tells us what people search for to reach our site. The items that have been recurring will be discussed. Some of them are disturbing, those with small children, may want to cover their eyes during this discussion.

In no particular order, recent search terms that bring people to Irqportz and our commentary on them.

crotch rot
– You sick little monkey, that is all I have to say.

Fergie peeing
– Yep, she did indeed pee and we have pictures that prove it.

dirty celebs
– We are all about the celeb bashing, dirty or clean. We get it done.

water diaper dare
– What in the world? Ok that’s just sick. If you’re wearing diapers, you better not get in a pool within 100 miles of me. I do not feel even remotely sanitary knowing that your overflowing diapers could be contaminating the water I frolic in. I like to spray water with my mouth like a whale does, think about it. If you’re wearing a diaper you don’t belong in the same water as me, simple as that. I don’t care how water proof they make it, or if they “dared” you.

fergie crotch
– Yes, her crotch is indirectly covered. What can I say? We deliver on controversial topics.

portz video
– We don’t have a video yet, but if we did it would probably feature Elton John throwing monkeys at feces.

call centre establishment in india
– Well in the states we call them “call centers”, but that aside, I’m sure you’ll see this kind of discussion spring up from time to time. BTW, learn 2 spellcheck, newb.

swiming
– You know, if you spelled swimming correctly, you probably would not have reached our site.

techniques on how to do a ninja flip
– I think this guy proved that doing ninja flips is a really bad idea (afro ninja). If you have to ask how to do this, you should not be attempting it.

Techie Fight Club

Ok, now this borders on the ridiculous.  Tech guys with ivy league degrees use household items such as frying pans and tennis rackets.  Now as I told you in an earlier posting I used to street brawl for money.  I would be able to lay the smack down no problem.  But what about little Kenny Johsnon who has been playing a little too much Tekken 5 and downed a can of Red Bull.  He’ll be so cracked out of his mind that he may just go to Beatdown ’06.  But the sad thing is he’s only able to do 3 push ups and 5 situps before exhaustion hits.  So when Sanjay Gupta comes at him with 10 pounds of curry justice there will be no doubt he’s gonna have an aneurysm.  Not to mention Nguyen rumbling in with his instant Kancho death touch and Crazy 5 Masters Peanut Pull.

 All I’m saying is that some people are gonna get hurt and I can’t see why these guys would do it.  They should do something more constructive with their time like expand and refurnish their basement.  Because there is no doubt these fools are living beneath the floorboards of Ma and Pa’s house even though they make bank or they wouldn’t be doing this…

I mean look at that picture.  Looks like two mentally handicapped atheletes down at the local elementary school polishing their Muay Thai skills for the Special Olympics.

 WOof!!

Muffeletta Jonie Thompson

What is up with celebrities and the way they name their children?

Anyways I was bored and made my own celebrity baby generator, quick and crappy like…

Take The Celebrity Baby Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

The Da Vinci Code

I didn't read the book but I did see the movie.  It was ok, not necessarily the type of thing I though it would be.  The suspense was built up as high as waiting to see if a toddler doodies in the little plastic froggy toilet.  And the references made to Da Vinci's Last Supper seemed to suck the big one.  I know Da Vinci was one for detail but give me a break.  Look at my doodle here… You can see that I have drawn a representation of Michael Jackson or maybe it is Baraka's and Raiden's love child from Mortal combat.  Notice the distinct hat and hidden jaw which may be hiding horrid teeth of Baraka or a hideously disfigured man who is losing his nose, known to the world as MJ.  But anywho beyond that it had Ian McKellen who knows S&M devices and a way to use them to get him out of a pinch. ::Yikes:: Props for the acting but I can't say much else…

 All in all I was somehow still entertained by the movie.

Oh yeah and one last thing.  Ever since The Bourne Identity all films with a European setting deem it necessary to have a smaller and smaller car to use in a chase scene.  Next we'll see two movie stars on a tricycle peddling down the road, ringing a little bell and it will culminate in a spectacular 6 inch drop off the sidewalk.  Please guys, lets come up with something new.

First sign of the apocalypse…

It is foretold that a headless primate will roam the world on a Roomba made of gold.  He will bring peace to the Middle East and fling poo as far as the West is from the East and as far as the North is from the South…

Sorry, this was just hecka freaky…

Malarky in the Pool

To get slightly off tangent and to break up the mahogany (hehe) of these past events, I would like to share a true story that occurred when I was around 12 years of age:

My family belonged to a private pool i.e. members only community. We would go there often during the hottest months to cool off, have a bar-b-que, relax, and have fun. Well, it just happens that one severely blazing day , my family decided to the community and scorch some chicken, hot dogs, and steak, and have a grand ole time. It just happens to be that a few vagrants I befriended were there with their kindred as well.

I didn’t plan on seeing any of them that day, so I brought a multitude of G.I. Joe and He-Man figures with me in case I got lonely in the pool (boo-hoo) It was going to be a while before any of the food was going to be ready, and it was too hot to leave the comfort of the cooling waters, so we decided to play “dive for the action figures” game. I began to feel my bowels contract; it began to feel as if something wanted to be released, but was partially constricted. As we continued to dive for magical toys such as Cobra Commander, Skeletor, and Beast-Man, the pressure began to increase. Damnit, this always happens when I’m having fun. As always, I didn’t want to break away from the festivities I was being a part of. I thought, I’ll just hold it and go later, and since it was so devastatingly hot outside, I didn’t dare get out of the pool unless I was forced to by someone else.

I’ll try to paint you a picture: In World of Warcraft, the Warlock’s Curse of Agony spell damage is dealt slowly at first, and builds up as the curse reaches its full duration, so was my bowels ready to push a huge gob of solid waste out of my rear end. My friends and fellow listeners let me tell you, it was too late. This huge load of caca was just released in my swim trunks at lightning speed. Luckily, the trunks were loose enough for me to work the waste dump free and distribute its pain upon the world. At the moment, we were in a deeper area of the pool, thank goodness. Well, that chunk sunk as fast as an automobile free falling out of the sky; in no time, that bad boy was on the bottom of the pool.

Unfortunately, my cohorts were still diving for the various figures, I wanted to tell them we were finished here and to move on to a different area of the pool, but at the same time I was extremely embarrassed and didn’t know what action to take to get away from the poop pile that lie in the depths, waiting for a hapless victim. I tried to distract them and lure them over to a shallower part of the pool, telling them I just threw more figures near that area. It began to work; they slowly inched their way towards the shallower area, but one of the poor bastards said he just saw something dark down below and before I could react, he was beneath the surface, on his path to doom.

When he surfaced, in his hand was a broken slab from my poop bomb. The others couldn’t believe their eyes; the poo bearer was even more surprised. The only thing that came from his mouth was, “UGHHHHHH” and he dropped it instantly, and literally launched out of the pool and darted to the bathroom to wash his hands. Me and the others couldn’t stop laughing, it seemed to last for eternity. Luckily, no one knew it was me; I was hysterically laughing inside in a demented sort of way, and no one knew the damned truth but me.

To this day, I still think of this experience and recall it to almost every detail, despite being over 10 years ago. Moral of the story? Hahahah hah ah, there is none!!! If you think I was going to say something like, “be sure to get out of the pool in time and take a bowel movement before its too late” is totally wrong. It’s more like, don’t go diving deep for shit, because you never know how far you have to go until you stumble upon some.

Irqportz 1

I can see into the future….

Ok, well maybe I can't and I just saw the dingles on Access Hollywood accidentally release the information on error. So anywho here is what happened. I was watching access hollywood then ::BAM:: "Sadly Elliot Yamin is going home…".

Of course I still watched the show and was happy to see that Taylor and Elliot got warm receptions from thousands on fans, not to mention both got days officially proclaimed for them. While the McPheester just got some high school kids she didn't know to cheer for her. For some reason she seems to have a hidden evil to her.

And finally what the poo is up with Paula Abdul. It looks like she's been partying with Bobby and Whitney. I'm suprised she hadn't launched herself on stage tearing off her clothes and yelling that the tangerine ape monster was coming for soul and rent money.  But that won't happen I guess because the addiction of choice seems to be alcohol since she is slurs her speech more than Joan Rivers after a double dose of botox.

SOUL PATROL!!!