How to get the best support possible… or not to tick off a tech

Here are some tips on what to do when you call tech support.  This is more of a ran than anything so here it goes:

  • When you reach me don't blame me for your problem or complain about another tech or how much time you had to wait.  Guess what the guy before you did the same thing.  He made you wait and so did the guy before hime ::watches snowball roll down hill::
  • Don't call me when your computer is off or you are not at it.  I do not want to wait for 10 minutes because you've got an 8 year old emachine.   This also adds to people complaining about the hold time.
  • Don't say something isn't there.  I have done this for many years and know it is there.  I especially know you are lying when you respond immediately.
  • Don't say you don't know what I mean when I give you instructions.  I'm speaking plain english.  If I say look for the Windows I mean that the word Windows will be on the screen.  Not something close to that.
  • If you say you don't know where to find it and I took you to a screen you are an idiot.  I give you a 5 x 7 inch screen to find one word with a maximum of 20 words on it yet you can find the Ho Ho's at the 1 acre Super Wal-Mart.
  • Don't say you are not computer illiterate.  If you say this meaning you do not know about computers you are far more illiterate than you think.
  • Do not close an error message before we are done with it and say it disappeared.  I know you closed it, I know you are a retard.
  • Do not say you don't think that the reason I give you for the issue or having to call someone else is not the problem.  I am the tech support person.  You called me for help remember?  You were the dingus that couldn't find the start button.
  • You do not have a mow-dee-um.  It is a mo-dumb.
  • Your computer is not the screen you are looking at.  It is the box like thing that has your cd-rom drive and your modem in it.  Also note, the computer is not the modem.
  • I'm more intelligent than 95% of you fools out there, I took an IQ test.  So please don't try to act smart, I can tell the difference.

I'll add to this list as I take more calls…


About irqportz

Disclaimer:  This site is not endorsed or maintained by any company or corporate entity. The opinions herein are solely those of the authors. Topics on this blog consist of a wide variety including but not limited to Internet technology, and bladder control.

2 responses to “How to get the best support possible… or not to tick off a tech”

  1. irqportz says :

    I would have to agree with the above post, and throw in my own two cents as well:

    – If you spend 10 minutes trying to find something, don’t expect me to compliment you when you finally find it, this is not kindergarten. We need to move on with the next 10 things you will have problems finding.

    – We do not want to hear your stories about India, if you haven’t guessed, we are rated by how many phone calls we can handle in a day. Listening to you rant about how bad the India tech was wastes precious time. Do you want me to get outsourced too?

    – Mac users. Please take your arrogant attitude elsewhere. You’re not special cause you buy underdog products. By that logic, I’m a genius because I prefer Hydrox cookies to Oreos.

    – Screaming babies. Please do not subject me to your pain because you forgot to use birth control.

    – Hand-me-down computers. They gave them to you for a reason, think about it.

    – Please do not read every screen you see, line by line, word for word. I have likely seen that screen about 1 million times, and hearing it read to me the 1 million and first time does not make my job any easier or more pleasant.

    – Requests to call you back. When you pickup a squirt gun for your kid at the store, does the clerk call you back to see if it gets your cats nice and wet?

    – Computer literacy. You don’t need to be a computer expert, you just need to be able to follow instructions.

  2. Joe M. says :

    I will add even more to the list:

    – Fear the tech you speak to, like how it was in mid 90’s. They are better than you.

    – It’s always your fault for either not maintaining your computer, not backing up your 10 years of email, or for tinking with setting you shouldn’t be.

    – Don’t call tech support from your bedroom, with no intent of turning on the PC because “I dont wanna”. Hang up and call back when you feel comfortable investing an hour into fixing it.

    – When we determine its not an AOL issue, after your 4th call, don’t challenge it. Just call your computer manufacturer — oh wait, you picked this POS up at the dumpster?

    – Complaining about the IVR (Interactive Voice Response) system. We know its total shit. We don’t fix it, or could care less since any changes in it just means more calls for us anyhow. Its only acceptable to mention it once “Oh man, that IVR sucks.” and thats it. Any more time you waste on it, the more you deserve to sit holding in queue.

    – The old “customer is always right” BS. You are never right when you reach me.

    – Request to speak to supervisor, a sly attempt to somehow get some special tech to fix *your* computer’s problem, not our software’s. Our supervisors have paperwork to do, not to talk to some neophyte who can’t find their start menu. If a supervisor must be contacted; *we* will place you on hold and ask. Thats the only supervisor input necessary.

    – Patience. We all know it sucks that you dont maintain your computer, and placate life as a total victim. It annoys us too, especially when you are not following directions, or just argue. Please just take a breath, relax for a moment, and just understand that its our job to work to find an ideal resolution; even if that means calling Microsoft.

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