Archive | July 2006

Who woulda thought..Lance Bass…gay? Surely you jest.

So In recent news Lance Bass revealed that he’s gay. So how is that news? From the first time this portzer (#5) saw these guys he called it by telling his friends when *NSYNC premiered “Dude hes totally ghey”. Now he’s coming out and revealing everything in a tell all article. I guess he decided to follow in JT’s footsteps about his private life showing he isn’t so squeaky clean after all (He who squeaks the loudest gets the lube). We are all anxiously waiting for the quotes about why Bass decided to come out now to be similar to.. “I figured since Justin was exposing his private life about his doing drugs and stuff..and I guess I want to do the same, but instead of doing drugs..it’s guys.” Brings new meaning to “PUFF PUFF PASS to the left.  Then he’ll flash his quirky I-could-be-a-child-molester-but-I’m-a-pop-star smile and we’ll feel sorry as a society for oppressing him and not being able to flaunt his sexuality to all those 10-12 year olds. Way to make me feel bad Lance! According to him he felt that telling anyone would “overpower” everything. Overpower the most powerful boy band this planet has seen? Riiiiggghhhhhttt. Well if they ever go on tour they will have a bigger fanbase than before. One would have to wonder how it made a gay man feel to have to sing songs about “Be my girlfriend baby”, “Baby, would you be my baby, Baby?”, and “Girl, I want to do you as my girlfriend, baby, all night girl, baby” when he really wanted to sing songs like “I want you in my back”, “Tie me up, punch me and tell me you love me”, and “Young and tender tubesteak”. Well good for you Lance in taking some time to think about how to come out. “I wanted to think about it because I knew I had 4 guys.. in my hands”..he was talking about their careers. Well if you ever decide to change teams you have the millions of barely legal girls that still think you’re a hunk and we like you too. But not in that way. Hey maybe the other guys from *NSYNC can be gay too..it would definately help their careers..joe fat one , that one guy chris (who we think is gay also) and JC Shazam. Does this new found sexuality mean that you’re not going to try to work your way back into the black void…er..of space? Well We here at the IRQ wish you the bestest of the gay. Peace out homo..er..homie.-Portzer #5

The Presidential Massage of Doom

Lets discuss this back massage done on German Chancellor Angela Merkel. First of all, those government people were summoned to do battle with debates and discuss diplomacy, not there for shoulder massages. I mean, he’s doing it all wrong. First, they need to have less clothes on, period. Trying to rub out knotted muscles with a suit on makes it harder to do so, not to mention heat generation and so forth. Sorry if I’m being too technical. Also, they need to use some form of oil to make sure there is a friction while the rubbings take place. If not, then its like trying to play with a dry apple pie, if ya know what I mean. I almost forgot what about a happy ending?? That Chancellor look liked she was saying, “get the hell away from me, you brute” Amid the chaos, I have discovered a more effective way for a memorable massage. My gourmet process for a grande massage is as follows:

1. First, I visit local rest homes and gather all of the residents’ fresh diapers, and stick them in my stolen Dominoes Pizza heat bag, them rush them to my office. I quickly transfer the soft stool into my registered trademark liquid-proof stay fresh swim diapers and place them in the oven for 6 minutes at 100 degrees. I quickly take the diapers out and place them on my client for about 10 minutes.

2. While the bubbling diapers help warm their skin and relax the muscles, I prepare myself. I drink a cup of Bushka brand Chai tea, then make a friendly gesture towards Amen-Ramen, my god. I take off my clothes and begin to fall into a trance. I picture myself slowly falling through giant toilets; it feels like transcending through space and time. This gets me pumped up for the actual massage.

3. I remove the diapers from my client, and begin to spread on “Tres Flores” on their back. I have found this to be extremely useful in acquiring a good amount of friction to rub out the naughty and neglected muscles. It’s so greasy, in fact, they can also put it in their hair and become a John Travolta cliche` “Grease” character.

4. My client has the option of entering our exotic mud baths filled with fluide de merde, which helps open up the pores from such an exhilarating experience. The tubs operate at a lovely 110 degrees, just the right amount to aid in molten French mud. The best thing is, we never clean out the tubs, we simply keep then heated for the next client. The idea is, each individual who basks in the ambience adds to the circle, thus enriching its mystic nutrients for the next individuals to enjoy.

I hope this gave you a better understanding of my masseuse parlor, and what goals we strive to keep for each and every customer.

Haley Joel Osment flies to Saturn… well flies in a Saturn…

(Check this out, I’m going to do this with a little entertainment news style infused into the article. That means a mention of age and too many credits to be in one paragraph)

Haley Joel Osment of Jeff Foxworthy fame was in an accident recently. The “Bogus” (who he starred with Whoopie Goldberg in) actor was found hurt and had apparently tried to crawl out of the back of his 1995 Saturn station wagon…

That’s right a 95′ saturn station wagon…  What the heck is this guy making when he does his Kingdom Hearts voice-overs, Walker Texas Ranger disturbing sauna stuff, Sesame Street, Second Hand Lions stuff?  Maybe the wholesome looking Osment is throwing down the Benjamins for Candy LaYummy at the local interpretive pole dance bar (cause its uptown and what not).  Not to mention supporting a $5,000 a day crack habit.

WTH!!!??? A 95′ Saturn Station Wagon?

Poor poor bastard…

Portzer #2

FEEEL MY PAINNNN!!!

Have fun disguising links to your co workers and bust this bad boy on them…

Instant Death

May God have mercy on me… 

Portzer #2

What our Readers Want IV

Well, it has been a while since we posted.  All of us have been busy with impending doom and what not so we thought we would throw something out there.  A little thank you of sorts for still coming to the site.  So without further ado, what our readers want….

male diapers

This one seemed to be a big hitter today.  I have no idea why you would click that link… Maybe our site has something to say about the world that appeal people who need to wear male diapers.  We aren’t ragging on you, only curious to know what destiny is in store for those with weak bladders and a penchant for this style of news.  We SALUTE YOU!

missile popeil

Well… Um… I think this comes from some peeps on a Jihad.  You come to America not knowing how to get hooked up but are awake at 4 a.m. learning about the Showtime Rotisserie.  Then ::light bulb turns on:: this dude is as amped as we are, maybe he has a missle or two to sell.  Hell I’ll take two Ronco Missiles and a Pocket Fisherman.

creepy toilet

Yes, I have seen many a creepy toilet.  I especially find ones with dim lighting and the automatic flushers to be hecka scary.  You move one millimeter while enthroned upon those bad boys and it is a European experience of a cool wet splash to the buttocks. So creepy…

skin and crack addicts – crack+addiction+skin

Since these were similar I decided to group them.  Portzer #1 had a run in at a crack house before.  He thought he was there to pick up landscaping materials when his friend told him to go down and pick up some rocks.  Of course it was too late when he arrived at the front door and “Twitchy” Willy came to the door saying something about Mac and Cheese and the end of the world.  So here is the part you came for.  Willy was ashy as a naga baba fighting a forrest fire.  The experience wasn’t so bad because Portzer #1 met a new friend and was able to sell some of his skin care products.  Willy is no longer ashy or “Twitchy” due to crack.

pee site hack

I always have to add at least on of these.  You sick, sick monkeys.  No further comment required.

fluke call center

Well either we are talking about the worm or the fish and I don’t know of a call center for either.  Unless maybe it is one of those care hotlines where you can call them up and say you have a worm invading your liver.  Not funny or anything, just weird…

Peace, I’m out britches…

Portzer #2

What our Readers Want III

This is the ongoing post that answers the question, “What do our readers want and how can we help them to find it?” This information is taken directly from phrases of what people use to search our site.

Male crotch pics

Dirty dirty people….

muay + thai + money

You came to the right place my friends.  As you know two of us have fought for money growing up.  In fact that is how portzer #1 and I met.  On the mean streets of Philly at the age of 18 with machetes in hand.  Of course the machetes were for show but by golly it was showmanship at its best.

control by diapers

What type of control are you looking for?  Mind control is out of the question but you can control many things with a diaper.  In fact I could think of controlling the movements of the human body, other than bowel and bladder.  I’m talking about doing that straight up Jackie Chan style.

What to do for an animal with no bladder

I say you tie little Timmy’s marmoset to the tree and beat it with a shovel. HAHA… I kid, but seriously, WTH are you talking about?  You hook that bad boy up to a fur friendly colostomy bag and you love that animal to pieces.

maximum loads male enhancer pills

Now loaded male enhancer pills are a dangerous thing.  If you are looking at putting in a silver bullet and cocking back the hammer you are playing with fire my friend… with fire… ::dramatic hand gestures::

fergie stain

Yes the dirty hoo hoo dilly of Fergie is legendary throughout the land

aol layoff rumors

Yeah… we know… : \ 

picters of swiming pools

Well by cracky we got picters of grampa simmons floatin’ a poo boat in the pool.  Actually the pool is our cattle pond…

ROSIE O’DONNELL HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE

I repeat: “Dirty, dirty people”

getting ticks off of you

We know your secret… Although I heard you can burn them off with a lighter… I don’t know, I just heard that somewhere ::scratches leg and gets out lighter::

Portzer #2