Eugenics, slavery and The Hills. Yes all things that many Americans have jumped on the bandwagon of since the beginning of our wonderful nation. Now we have a new one. The penis in movies.
So, I just saw funny people. I would say the first 30 weiner jokes were funny… And then somewhere around the time Mr. Sandler commented on the thickness or size of his gardners shlong the 8 year old child inside me died. Slowly. Miserably. Choking on the mighty cock of stale humor. Mighty indeed.
Hailed as the most mature Apatow comedy? WTF!? WTF indeed good sirs.
And I’m sure America loved it. Since of course they have proven to “like the cock” as Jay would say to Silent Bob. This statement is further proven by the box office power of Bruno. <sarcasm> Yes presentations of naughty wang verbally and visually are funny <sarcasm>. Look at The Hangover a tiny asian dude with what looked like a wrinkly robbins egg in a birds nest got the biggest laughs from the audience.
I think the next evolution in American comedy will be gay porn with knock knock jokes. Because gosh darn it, male and female Americans like their wangs with overplayed jokes.
I believe this is the third sign of the apocalypse. We here at irqportz know about signs of the apocalypse… By the way. It may be another year before I post again because I’ll be going to gay porn director school. I’m gonna be rich mutha truckas!
Indeed, the pain you are about to experience is the work of none other than portzer #2. In an email sent to me on April 4th, 2007, he directs my attention to new content for the blog. And what he showed me was this monstrosity. I cannot deny him his foul content wishes, because it would hamper creativity. Censorship is a slippery slope. Thus, behold, from the bowels of hades and portzer #2’s own imagination:
Nake fat guy dancing
Yes, it has been a while as portzer #2 points out. So it’s time to get back to business. Today Richard Simmons released a controversial sex tape that is working its way through the adult market. In the tape, aptly named “How to do it like a man”, Richard Simmons vows to demonstrate how to be the Alpha male that women all secretly crave in the cave dwelling portion of their brain.
To start, Richard Simmons gives some warmup techniques, particularly how to loosen up the joints. This is performed to “Tutti Frutti” song by Little Richard. Clearly Mr. Simmons is being metrosexual, i.e. he is so confident in his heterosexuality that he is acting the opposite as a joke. In fact, he says the ladies like this a lot. So add this to your getting laid checklist: Listen to extremely fruity music.
As the tape progresses, Richard Simmons shows you how to take a woman and make her your love slave. He emphasizes this by baking a woman a pie, and then spreading it all over his chest in small circles in a very .. manly fashion. This must stir cravings in all but the most prudish of women.
Towards the end Richard can be seen yelling at a woman on a treadmill. This kind of roleplaying is typical, as he is the dungeon master when it comes to exercise equipment. “You go girlfriend, push it!”, he commands as the woman becomes exhausted from the foreplay. In fact, one rather corpulent woman nearly fainted at the sound of Mr. Simmon’s voice, when he said “ok you’re done sweet-tush.” Clearly, the man has machismo, and testosterone powers that us mere mortals can only dream about..
Until next time..
The Circle Jerk.
In blogging, there is a term known as “The Circle Jerk”, today IRQportz tackles this controversial topic. No, this article isn’t about something derogatory. It is about the process in which bloggers who have fallen on rough times tend to interview each other in order to have something to talk about. This may seem somewhat ridiculous and you might think “what’s the point?” But, there is none. The circle jerk is a means of deriving blog content from meaningless banter with other bloggers of equal unimportance.
For example, several “techie” blogs will interview each other, and then post that interview on all three blogs, thereby each saving themselves the effort of writing an actual article. Additionally, it is hoped by interviewing each other they will obtain a sense of status in the tech community. However, most people with an IQ above 50 can see through this not-so clever ruse.
In honor of this great blogging tradition, IRQportz is going to take this one step further. Instead of bribing another blogger into interviewing us, or performing “blogual favors” for other blogs, we are going to interview ourselves! This is especially cheesy, and it is our hope that this surpasses the cheesiness of the blogs that circle jerk each other.
Today, IRQportzer #3 will be interviewing the the controversial yet informative, portzer #1. (Please stay tuned for the followup interview by portzer#2 as well).
The interview will now commense:
Irqportz#3: How long have you been working for AOL?
Irqportz#1: Hmm, let me think about that one. Amid the chaos and toil that’s been going on lately, I’ll have to jog my memory for a bit to recall this important detail. By the way, the last time I jogged, I ended up pulling my groin muscle while doing so. It was very painful and I had to seek medical attention. I don’t want to explain the personal problem in detail, but just imagine a cherry tomato being stuck in a visegrip and being pressed all the way. Oh, yeah, back to that question you asked me, sorry. I have been with AOL since March of 2004.
Irqportz#3: What was your child hood like?
Irqportz#1: Thats a most excellent question, my friend! Well, growing up, my family didn’t have much money. My father worked in a blast furnace, and brought home coal so that we could barbecue expired meat that my mother would bring home from second hand grocery stores.
(Irqportz#3: I see..)
Irqportz#1: Since the local newspaper fired me for delivering soiled newspapers, (yeah, sometimes we didn’t have any money to buy Charmin, so I would bring home some papers early in the morning so everyone could wipe the sludge from their behinds, then I would attempt to deliver these to customers I detested) so I found a job as a street fighter.
(Irqportz#3: That’s intense..)
Irqportz#1: I studied under the warrior-ship of Caonima Peoshi, a legend in those times. He taught me devastating moves such as: Ha-Poo-Ken, a close quarter move where I would blow freeze dried feces in an opponents eyes, disabling them for the entirety of the match, but sometimes it entered their mouth by accident. I was also taught the powerful Camel Tso (pronounced “toe” ) which would cripple my opponents by having them gaze at my ghastly crotch maneuver. The effects would last for days, even weeks, and those who already witnessed its power would automatically forfeit to me, allowing me to win. I eventually gained a six pack and attained the title of grand champion.
Irqportz#3: Well, that certainly answered that question. Probably too much info if you ask me.. In any case, back to the questions.
If you had to make a choice, which would you choose: Playtex gentle-glide or Tampax medium? (Please note that portzer#1 is male and this is merely an abstract question)
Irqportz#1: I find it funny that you should ask this question. Well, luckily, I have had experience with this arcane device. One time, I decided to drink an entire bottle of Stalin brand Vodka, which got me so intoxicated, I was able to communicate with street signs.
(Irqportz#3: I’m worried already..)
Irqportz#1: Well, the next day, I experienced severe “runny buttocks” syndrome, as well as a fever, headache, dystopia, and crotch rot, and still being at about 75% blood alcohol content, I decided to visit a drug store, in search of a rectal thermometer. I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up wandering into the feminine products section. Maybe it was the dazzling colors of the items that tantalized me, who knows.
Irqportz#1: In all the confusion and not to mention blurred vision, I ended up opening a box of Play-Tex gentle-glide, took my pants and underwear off, and began to put one in my behind, not knowing they were not meant for measuring temperature.
(Irportz#3: I’m speechless..)
Irqportz#1: Well, a sales associate saw me and instantly freaked, it looked like someone had just cast an unbreakable fear on them for 20 seconds; they began to run around the store uncontrollably with their hands above their head. While the employee that made first contact was busy vomiting in the store’s water fountain, another employee grabbed a phone and called the police.
Irqportz#1: I’m not sure how much later it was but when the cops appeared, they acted like they didn’t see me and tried to leave the store (the Play-Tex gentle-glide was still halfway in)
(Irqportz#3: That I did not need to know..)
Irqportz#1: The employee who was yakking earlier pointed to me and said, “where the *#$% are you going?? Thats the guy!! Take him away, HE’S RIGHT HERE!!” Well, I’m not sure what happened next, I sort of blacked out while I felt my body being lifted. While in the backseat of the squad car I was fading in and out between levels of consciousness then all of a sudden I felt a river of “molten brown lava” flow underneath me and all over the seat. Later on in court, I lucked out and ended up getting off the hook with no criminal record charges, the judge felt sorry for me and just made me pay the bill for having the backseat of that squad car cleaned out.
Irqportz#3: I don’t think there is a word that could adequately describe that situation. But we must move on.
How would you rate AOL’s likelihood to exist in 10 years?
Irqportz#3: It’s a serious question.
Irqportz#1: Ha, thats like asking if Brian Peppers will ever look normal and become the next Mother Theresa. ‘Nuff said.
Irqportz#3: Thanks for the comments. If there was a virtual reality feature that could enable you to reach through the phone line while taking calls, would you take advantage of it?
Irqportz#1: Oh hell yes! Why must you tease me with luxuries I will never own??!! I have been thinking about this concept for many moons. With all these devious thoughts in mind, what would the limit be? How long could we sabotage their residence before our light use plan runs out and summons us back on the other end of the phone? There are many vile things I would do to hi-jack someone living quarters and the owner themselves, but I stand tall and dare not mention that, for fear of the agents stumbling onto my plans and silencing me.
Irqportz#3: Agents? .. well, no matter. Last question:
Does anyone really eat fish tacos?
Irqportz#1: For Ariel, the Little Mermaid, anything goes, hehehe.
Irqportz#3: This concludes the interview, I want to thank Irqportz#1 from taking time out of his busy day to respond to our questions.
There you have it folks, please stay tuned for the second part in our two part series: Irqportz#1 gets interviewed by Irqportz#2.
Spears was recently seen on The Today show blubbering about the paparazzi not leaving her alone. I don't think I've ever seen someone crying and chewing gum at the same time. I'm sure I can make a cow do the same if I poke it in the eye while it is chewing cud. Poor dumb animals.
I've heard people say poor Britney her mom did it to her or the paparazzi did it. Well do you notice who the paparazzi gravitates to? The more 'Ho' factor, the more uncouth, the more they are hounded. If I were Britney I would wear a moo moo, put curlers in my hair and carry a coin purse. Nothing is more repugnant yet backwoods wholesome than that.
And to those who say she should dump Federline. I say NAY! Look, she could drop him but would that be best? She says he is a simple man. That is a perfect match for a simple woman. Both are disconnected from reality and eat paste. Nothing says love more than that.
That is my post and I'm sticking to it!