I’ve written about her before, but now it is even more apparent that Jessica Simpson is not hot.
Take a look at her in what appears to be granny panties, converted into pants. I’m not sure how she pulled this off, or if she just likes looking like a 1960s feminist (pants to your chest so as not to arouse men, and no bra). But if that’s what she wants to do, more power to her. I just think that some people should (if they are so inclined to let themselves go) stay out of the spotlight. I think she went downhill when she stopped singing and became a pseudo reality TV star. Musically, she wasn’t particularly talented. But she was good looking (at one point).
And when meshed with a handsome dolt of a boyfriend on the TV show Newylweds, she began a sort of upward spiral of celebrity-dom. (BTW it was Portzer#2 that thought Nick Lachey was handsome).
I’m sure by now that, no one knows why she’s famous. At this point, she’s famous because she’s famous. These kinds of things become self perpetuating. Indeed this is the case for many celebrities. Like a nuclear reaction, once started it no longer needs assistance to continue. The same holds true for a variety of celebrities who are “famous because they’re famous.”
Let’s look at a few more. Hm, Christina Richi, and Paris Hilton. Fame was kick started by a background of wealth, pseudo-famous family members, and a short lived TV show. But they became self perpetuating. Even though they really had nothing to offer the public, not particularly skilled in acting, or dancing, or driving, or even eating. In fact I’d say the average joe on the street is more skilled at eating than Nicole Richie and more skilled at driving than Paris Hilton. But they are famous. Why? Because people scream and say “omg it’s someone famous” when they’re around. But why are they famous? “I don’t know, cause they’re famous!” Clearly celebrity fame is dependent on mass hysteria.
I won’t say there aren’t really famous people, because there are. Take Louis Pasteur for example, that guy invented antibiotics. He was famous and still is well known. He had a reason to be famous. These other people, not so much.
Oh and just a pointer to Jessica Simpson, I’m a guy but I’m pretty sure the granny panties are supposed to go under the pants, and you should not try to reinforce them with a sewing machine and add leggings to them. That’s not hot.
Well if you take your computer to Best Buy for software work anytime soon, that is probably what you are doing. Some sadistic bean counter somewhere has discovered that they can lower the threshold on quality in order to save money in a new and disgusting way.
From what I’ve been reading, the scenario is as follows: you bring in your computer with its software problem, they hook it up to their network and turn on remote desktop. Some guy from India connects to it. Presumably he/she fixes the issue. Meanwhile Best Buy keeps just enough “tech” staff to sell you stuff, mind you, they aren’t particularly interested in fixing it.
But getting back to the remote computer connection. What else do they do? Peruse your files? They could. My issue with it has more to do with being outside US jurisdiction than what country they’re from.
If you think customer service accountability is bad, when it goes overseas it gets much, much worse. Having worked in tech support myself, I got to see what happened to customers who got inferior service from other locales. I used to call them the “magic button pushers”, because they would literally tell customers “I just pressed the server reset button and your problem will be gone in 5 minutes. There is of course, no such thing.
My brother has problems with his cell phone bill, the customer service is exclusively from India. They tell him after repeated calls that “all is well.” This while his phone is repeatedly turned off for non-payment of unexplained charges, even after he pays them. In short, there is little or no accountability when dealing with foreign customer service.
I’m getting off topic some, but I guess my point is, if talking to foreign customer service / tech support over the phone is an unreliable nightmare at times, there is no way in hell I’d trust them to have remote control over my computer. Though I’m sure they could fix a software problem, the lack of accountability and difference in quality standards makes things like identity theft a much more frightening prospect.
The Circle Jerk.
In blogging, there is a term known as “The Circle Jerk”, today IRQportz tackles this controversial topic. No, this article isn’t about something derogatory. It is about the process in which bloggers who have fallen on rough times tend to interview each other in order to have something to talk about. This may seem somewhat ridiculous and you might think “what’s the point?” But, there is none. The circle jerk is a means of deriving blog content from meaningless banter with other bloggers of equal unimportance.
For example, several “techie” blogs will interview each other, and then post that interview on all three blogs, thereby each saving themselves the effort of writing an actual article. Additionally, it is hoped by interviewing each other they will obtain a sense of status in the tech community. However, most people with an IQ above 50 can see through this not-so clever ruse.
In honor of this great blogging tradition, IRQportz is going to take this one step further. Instead of bribing another blogger into interviewing us, or performing “blogual favors” for other blogs, we are going to interview ourselves! This is especially cheesy, and it is our hope that this surpasses the cheesiness of the blogs that circle jerk each other.
Today, IRQportzer #3 will be interviewing the the controversial yet informative, portzer #1. (Please stay tuned for the followup interview by portzer#2 as well).
The interview will now commense:
Irqportz#3: How long have you been working for AOL?
Irqportz#1: Hmm, let me think about that one. Amid the chaos and toil that’s been going on lately, I’ll have to jog my memory for a bit to recall this important detail. By the way, the last time I jogged, I ended up pulling my groin muscle while doing so. It was very painful and I had to seek medical attention. I don’t want to explain the personal problem in detail, but just imagine a cherry tomato being stuck in a visegrip and being pressed all the way. Oh, yeah, back to that question you asked me, sorry. I have been with AOL since March of 2004.
Irqportz#3: What was your child hood like?
Irqportz#1: Thats a most excellent question, my friend! Well, growing up, my family didn’t have much money. My father worked in a blast furnace, and brought home coal so that we could barbecue expired meat that my mother would bring home from second hand grocery stores.
(Irqportz#3: I see..)
Irqportz#1: Since the local newspaper fired me for delivering soiled newspapers, (yeah, sometimes we didn’t have any money to buy Charmin, so I would bring home some papers early in the morning so everyone could wipe the sludge from their behinds, then I would attempt to deliver these to customers I detested) so I found a job as a street fighter.
(Irqportz#3: That’s intense..)
Irqportz#1: I studied under the warrior-ship of Caonima Peoshi, a legend in those times. He taught me devastating moves such as: Ha-Poo-Ken, a close quarter move where I would blow freeze dried feces in an opponents eyes, disabling them for the entirety of the match, but sometimes it entered their mouth by accident. I was also taught the powerful Camel Tso (pronounced “toe” ) which would cripple my opponents by having them gaze at my ghastly crotch maneuver. The effects would last for days, even weeks, and those who already witnessed its power would automatically forfeit to me, allowing me to win. I eventually gained a six pack and attained the title of grand champion.
Irqportz#3: Well, that certainly answered that question. Probably too much info if you ask me.. In any case, back to the questions.
If you had to make a choice, which would you choose: Playtex gentle-glide or Tampax medium? (Please note that portzer#1 is male and this is merely an abstract question)
Irqportz#1: I find it funny that you should ask this question. Well, luckily, I have had experience with this arcane device. One time, I decided to drink an entire bottle of Stalin brand Vodka, which got me so intoxicated, I was able to communicate with street signs.
(Irqportz#3: I’m worried already..)
Irqportz#1: Well, the next day, I experienced severe “runny buttocks” syndrome, as well as a fever, headache, dystopia, and crotch rot, and still being at about 75% blood alcohol content, I decided to visit a drug store, in search of a rectal thermometer. I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up wandering into the feminine products section. Maybe it was the dazzling colors of the items that tantalized me, who knows.
Irqportz#1: In all the confusion and not to mention blurred vision, I ended up opening a box of Play-Tex gentle-glide, took my pants and underwear off, and began to put one in my behind, not knowing they were not meant for measuring temperature.
(Irportz#3: I’m speechless..)
Irqportz#1: Well, a sales associate saw me and instantly freaked, it looked like someone had just cast an unbreakable fear on them for 20 seconds; they began to run around the store uncontrollably with their hands above their head. While the employee that made first contact was busy vomiting in the store’s water fountain, another employee grabbed a phone and called the police.
Irqportz#1: I’m not sure how much later it was but when the cops appeared, they acted like they didn’t see me and tried to leave the store (the Play-Tex gentle-glide was still halfway in)
(Irqportz#3: That I did not need to know..)
Irqportz#1: The employee who was yakking earlier pointed to me and said, “where the *#$% are you going?? Thats the guy!! Take him away, HE’S RIGHT HERE!!” Well, I’m not sure what happened next, I sort of blacked out while I felt my body being lifted. While in the backseat of the squad car I was fading in and out between levels of consciousness then all of a sudden I felt a river of “molten brown lava” flow underneath me and all over the seat. Later on in court, I lucked out and ended up getting off the hook with no criminal record charges, the judge felt sorry for me and just made me pay the bill for having the backseat of that squad car cleaned out.
Irqportz#3: I don’t think there is a word that could adequately describe that situation. But we must move on.
How would you rate AOL’s likelihood to exist in 10 years?
Irqportz#3: It’s a serious question.
Irqportz#1: Ha, thats like asking if Brian Peppers will ever look normal and become the next Mother Theresa. ‘Nuff said.
Irqportz#3: Thanks for the comments. If there was a virtual reality feature that could enable you to reach through the phone line while taking calls, would you take advantage of it?
Irqportz#1: Oh hell yes! Why must you tease me with luxuries I will never own??!! I have been thinking about this concept for many moons. With all these devious thoughts in mind, what would the limit be? How long could we sabotage their residence before our light use plan runs out and summons us back on the other end of the phone? There are many vile things I would do to hi-jack someone living quarters and the owner themselves, but I stand tall and dare not mention that, for fear of the agents stumbling onto my plans and silencing me.
Irqportz#3: Agents? .. well, no matter. Last question:
Does anyone really eat fish tacos?
Irqportz#1: For Ariel, the Little Mermaid, anything goes, hehehe.
Irqportz#3: This concludes the interview, I want to thank Irqportz#1 from taking time out of his busy day to respond to our questions.
There you have it folks, please stay tuned for the second part in our two part series: Irqportz#1 gets interviewed by Irqportz#2.
Today we discuss the sequel to our classic: What our readers want.
You see, we repond to our readers demand for hyperbole, and satire. The way we do that, is with our search results.
In no particular order, we will review some of the more recent attempts to reach our site.
– We have had brief discussions on hard hitting hacks such as changing the color of the AOL icons, and discussed strange techie terms such as Boxley that are either a town in South Africa or an AOL technology, we’re not sure wihch.
Naga Ashley Olsen
– This is an interesting idea, Ashely Olsen is certainly skinny enough to be a Naga Baba. The only thing she lacks are the male parts needed for the strange twisting rituals. See article.
– Apparently, we are the universal repositoriy for information about mispelled swimming pools. This wasn’t the first one, and I don’t think it will be the last we see of it.
aol saves call
– This may be discussed in a future article, unfortunately the person who made the call is attempting to sell the recording to the highest bidder in an attempt to make himself rich and famous. This is akin to the “severed finger in my chili” scandal, except there was no finger and no chili.
Jessica Simpson unofficial
– Um yeah, we have some unofficial info on Jessica. See it here.
water proof diapers
– Unforunately this topic comes up frequently enough that I have stopped swimming in public pools. Now you will never see me don a speedo and cannonball into zesty water for fear of potentially running into a fragmented poop bomb.
– Just look this up in the dictionary, it’s an embarassing accident in a social situation. Sheesh.
Sitemanager fun video feces
– At some point we will try to put all those things together. Stay tuned..
Male enchancement bill
– I think they meant pill? Or perhaps they are starting a blog to get generous internet browsers to help pay for their male enhancement. More power to ya we say, just don’t ask us for money.
Various celebrity pee, and/or bladder control requests.
– We’ve covered it here, but we will have to wait until another celeb drops traw and lets it go on stage. It could be any day now. Portzer #2 has a slighty unhealthy obsession with dirty celebrities. My guess is you will not be disappointed.
im i not turtley enough for the turtle c
– You might think it a fluke, but this strange request has been asked for more than once. Unfortunately, due to the cryptic nature of the search, we may not be able to deliver an article about it. And will probably spend the rest of our lives wondering what the last word was supposed to be.
Until the next search results review, keep on searching. Don’t forget to keep it legible.
I have heard that two ugly parents that come together to make a child will normally have a gorgeous baby. But what if the roles were reversed? This may actually be demonstrated in the birth of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new child, Shiloh.
Here at IRQ Portz we have worked tirelessly to bring these photos to you. They were meticulously crafted from the famous photo of the baby released just last week and other details were pulled from photographs of the baby’s parents.
Shiloh – Age 7
Shiloh – 12
Now for our squeamish visitors we have hidden the link of the final progression photo. We warn all of you that you should not be ingesting any food or beverage at the time of clicking this link. We do recommend you have some alcohol and steel wool at hand so you may scrub the image from your mind…
Sadly as you can see, Shiloh will look like an ugly male hobbit. Also my theory has been proven that HOT PARENTS + BABY MAKING = SUPER FUGLINESS (By the way it was portzer 1 that said Brad Pitt was hot…)
When the children start chasing her around searching for “The One Ring” I’m sure Brangelina will pop into action and get some serious plastic surgery for the child. Maybe they can take the kid back to Africa to live with the pygmies. Maybe this one child with the bulgy eyes and forehead will be crowned Queen.