Archive | basement living RSS for this section

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

Advertisements

Whatever you do, don’t click this.

It’s rare that we come across a gross video that is too extreme, even for us.  This time may be the exception.  In this video, you will find some truly repulsive utilizations of dog poo (yes, it’s dog poo, so it’s not *that* bad). 

If you’re in the callcenter, you probably won’t get in trouble, but it might make you gag at the customer.  If you are the casual internet viewer, watch at the risk of your own disgust.  Whatever you do, do not click it. 

You were warned!

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/poopeater.html

Haley Joel Osment flies to Saturn… well flies in a Saturn…

(Check this out, I’m going to do this with a little entertainment news style infused into the article. That means a mention of age and too many credits to be in one paragraph)

Haley Joel Osment of Jeff Foxworthy fame was in an accident recently. The “Bogus” (who he starred with Whoopie Goldberg in) actor was found hurt and had apparently tried to crawl out of the back of his 1995 Saturn station wagon…

That’s right a 95′ saturn station wagon…  What the heck is this guy making when he does his Kingdom Hearts voice-overs, Walker Texas Ranger disturbing sauna stuff, Sesame Street, Second Hand Lions stuff?  Maybe the wholesome looking Osment is throwing down the Benjamins for Candy LaYummy at the local interpretive pole dance bar (cause its uptown and what not).  Not to mention supporting a $5,000 a day crack habit.

WTH!!!??? A 95′ Saturn Station Wagon?

Poor poor bastard…

Portzer #2

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

What our readers want II

Today we discuss the sequel to our classic: What our readers want.

You see, we repond to our readers demand for hyperbole, and satire. The way we do that, is with our search results.

In no particular order, we will review some of the more recent attempts to reach our site.

AOL haCK

– We have had brief discussions on hard hitting hacks such as changing the color of the AOL icons, and discussed strange techie terms such as Boxley that are either a town in South Africa or an AOL technology, we’re not sure wihch.

Naga Ashley Olsen

– This is an interesting idea, Ashely Olsen is certainly skinny enough to be a Naga Baba. The only thing she lacks are the male parts needed for the strange twisting rituals. See article.

swiming pools

– Apparently, we are the universal repositoriy for information about mispelled swimming pools. This wasn’t the first one, and I don’t think it will be the last we see of it.

aol saves call

– This may be discussed in a future article, unfortunately the person who made the call is attempting to sell the recording to the highest bidder in an attempt to make himself rich and famous. This is akin to the “severed finger in my chili” scandal, except there was no finger and no chili.

Jessica Simpson unofficial

– Um yeah, we have some unofficial info on Jessica. See it here.

water proof diapers

– Unforunately this topic comes up frequently enough that I have stopped swimming in public pools. Now you will never see me don a speedo and cannonball into zesty water for fear of potentially running into a fragmented poop bomb.

faux pa

– Just look this up in the dictionary, it’s an embarassing accident in a social situation. Sheesh.

Sitemanager fun video feces

– At some point we will try to put all those things together. Stay tuned..

Male enchancement bill

– I think they meant pill? Or perhaps they are starting a blog to get generous internet browsers to help pay for their male enhancement. More power to ya we say, just don’t ask us for money.

Various celebrity pee, and/or bladder control requests.

– We’ve covered it here, but we will have to wait until another celeb drops traw and lets it go on stage. It could be any day now. Portzer #2 has a slighty unhealthy obsession with dirty celebrities. My guess is you will not be disappointed.

im i not turtley enough for the turtle c

– You might think it a fluke, but this strange request has been asked for more than once. Unfortunately, due to the cryptic nature of the search, we may not be able to deliver an article about it. And will probably spend the rest of our lives wondering what the last word was supposed to be.

Until the next search results review, keep on searching. Don’t forget to keep it legible.

portzer #3

The School Cell Phone ban

School cell phones in a nutshell: They weren't common as little as 7 years ago. Yet somehow we managed to survive. It never fails that as our society progresses in technology, people become less self reliant.

Like Linus of Peanuts ™ fame, cell phones are becoming the security blanket for parents and students. I mean sure Linus could use his blanket and judo knowledge to disarm a knife wielding assailent, but didn't the kids always look down on him for having fetal alcohol syndrome? Are cell phones an issue of survival? Safety? I think the "bling bling" factor is more likely. The kids use their parents' fears, so they can be the "Ludakris" of the playground. They "gotta make dat money", trading shifts at Micky Dees, word. In short, they think it's cool to be seen with a cell phone, and make it ring in class; even though it's only only their parents and crazy-cat-lady Aunt that know the number.

Dingle parents of America. If your 16 year old can't survive being away from home for 8 hours without calling you, then they need a plastic bubble to live in, not a cell phone. You need to cut the umbilical cord and stop being so wussified, lest this generation be known as the weakest one. Comments from high school debate teams are welcome.

– portzer #3

The end is nigh…

So um, some people are freaked about tomorrow being 6-6-06 but hey we did live through 6-6-06 in the 1900's so I think we're good to go.  The real sign of the apocalypse will be more Ghostbusters style.  I think it will involve Richard Simmons as the Gatekeeper and Rosie O'Donnell as the Keymaster/Stay Puff Marshmellow woMAN.

"Fear the end, for the fluffy one shall walk the Earth seeking honey baked ham and a man of small stature, shorts, yet large puffy hair."

-Nagabamas