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This just in.. Jessica Simpson, is still not hot

I’ve written about her before, but now it is even more apparent that Jessica Simpson is not hot.

e_jessicasimpson_325.jpg

Take a look at her in what appears to be granny panties, converted into pants. I’m not sure how she pulled this off, or if she just likes looking like a 1960s feminist (pants to your chest so as not to arouse men, and no bra). But if that’s what she wants to do, more power to her. I just think that some people should (if they are so inclined to let themselves go) stay out of the spotlight. I think she went downhill when she stopped singing and became a pseudo reality TV star. Musically, she wasn’t particularly talented. But she was good looking (at one point).

And when meshed with a handsome dolt of a boyfriend on the TV show Newylweds, she began a sort of upward spiral of celebrity-dom. (BTW it was Portzer#2 that thought Nick Lachey was handsome).

I’m sure by now that, no one knows why she’s famous. At this point, she’s famous because she’s famous. These kinds of things become self perpetuating. Indeed this is the case for many celebrities. Like a nuclear reaction, once started it no longer needs assistance to continue. The same holds true for a variety of celebrities who are “famous because they’re famous.”

Let’s look at a few more. Hm, Christina Richi, and Paris Hilton. Fame was kick started by a background of wealth, pseudo-famous family members, and a short lived TV show. But they became self perpetuating. Even though they really had nothing to offer the public, not particularly skilled in acting, or dancing, or driving, or even eating. In fact I’d say the average joe on the street is more skilled at eating than Nicole Richie and more skilled at driving than Paris Hilton. But they are famous. Why? Because people scream and say “omg it’s someone famous” when they’re around. But why are they famous? “I don’t know, cause they’re famous!” Clearly celebrity fame is dependent on mass hysteria.

I won’t say there aren’t really famous people, because there are. Take Louis Pasteur for example, that guy invented antibiotics. He was famous and still is well known. He had a reason to be famous. These other people, not so much.

Oh and just a pointer to Jessica Simpson, I’m a guy but I’m pretty sure the granny panties are supposed to go under the pants, and you should not try to reinforce them with a sewing machine and add leggings to them. That’s not hot.

Portzer #3

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Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

What our Readers Want V: A New Hope

missle song eat fish

WTF!? WTF are you on man… 

teh cw

As you probably have sadly learned they turned Clark Kent into teh ghey…

roseanne barr nude

degenerate… damn dirty degenerate…

peeing in public pools

Be carefull of not doing this in some pools due to the special dye they put in it to detect when one has evacuated their bladder off all urine.  You could probably get away with this act in most public pools and some school ones but you never know.  It is like Russian roulette.  Fire off a round if you dare.  But if you are found out say you are quite hygenic and the red stuff is really from that chewable dye tablet that detects plaque on your teeth.

INTRODUCTION TO IRQ

I’m portzer #2 and… nm you probably wanted to know about real irq’s.  Well I find them boring so I won’t bother.  But the last time I seriously had to configure an IRQ was when I played Sam and Max hit the Road in DOS.

I want a deeper voice

Well I have thought about this since there have been many searches on this issue being directed to our site.  Either hit puberty or… Here’s my theory.  A man’s voice becomes higher when he is kicked in the crotch.  What if it was well… taken care of?  I say try pawing it like a little kitten and see if that helps.  Then we will all laugh at you because you played with yourself and we tricked you into doing so.

 I’m out foo’s

Portzer #2

Haley Joel Osment flies to Saturn… well flies in a Saturn…

(Check this out, I’m going to do this with a little entertainment news style infused into the article. That means a mention of age and too many credits to be in one paragraph)

Haley Joel Osment of Jeff Foxworthy fame was in an accident recently. The “Bogus” (who he starred with Whoopie Goldberg in) actor was found hurt and had apparently tried to crawl out of the back of his 1995 Saturn station wagon…

That’s right a 95′ saturn station wagon…  What the heck is this guy making when he does his Kingdom Hearts voice-overs, Walker Texas Ranger disturbing sauna stuff, Sesame Street, Second Hand Lions stuff?  Maybe the wholesome looking Osment is throwing down the Benjamins for Candy LaYummy at the local interpretive pole dance bar (cause its uptown and what not).  Not to mention supporting a $5,000 a day crack habit.

WTH!!!??? A 95′ Saturn Station Wagon?

Poor poor bastard…

Portzer #2

Cell phone rage

Naomi Campbell

Naomi Campbell – taking lessons from Ike Turner, is beating the crap out of her subordinates.  It is not clear what have driven her to violence, but a combination of getting older, a face that looks like it is covered in parafin wax, and crack cocaine are likely culprits.

In 2003, Naomi threw a cell phone at her victim, an assistant, while throwing a temper tantrum.  It became clear that Naomi loves using phones as weapons.  In 2006 she upped the anti by apparently wielding a cell phone and dropping bombs on her replacement assistant’s dome. This latest assistant needed four stitches to the cranium after they cleaned her up.

What causes cell phone rage?  As mentioned Naomi has had a lot of plastic surgery.  Her face looks like it has been preserved by aliens, with a 1,000 year shelf life.  Most people just get old, Naomi gets even, with her face.  Now this kind of mentality can lead to random violence, like when she looks in the mirror and notices what looks like a piece of cellophane peeling off of her cheek.  That type of occurence does not promote inner peace.

What’s next for Naomi?  I would recommend a dual-wield setup with a Motorola in the main hand and a Kyocera in the weak hand for maximum damage.  Motorola’s are heavier and have more stopping power.  While Kyocera’s allow for light and quick attacks that send the target fleeing in terror.  As for durability of the phones, that is not certain as it was not their design to be wielded as a weapon.

There are pioneers for everything, for Naomi campbell, her claim to fame will be cell phone rage.

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

Showtime Celebrity Love Rotisserie

hit it and forget it 

Looks like Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are splitting up.  Friends close to the couple say it isn’t true.  But you know what JT.  Dump her!  I actually spotted Diaz and Timberlake while on my honeymoon in Maui.  At Cheeseburgers in Paradise (yummy burgers and color changing collectors cups!).  She denied my wife a picture : (.  But I would have done the same if I had not spackled on concealer just 10 minutes previous to the photo.  Her skin is all freckly-like and she must have been in the ocean because her eyes were bloodshot.  But hey, we would have taken an autograph.  I should have snapped the photo anyways, ran out yelling “Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake in Cheeseburgers in Paradise.  She’s putting cheese on her head and snorting french fry seasoning”.

So now to who Timberlake is supposedly dating.  Mr. Ronco’s daughter, Lauren Popeil.  She is the heiress to the Ron Popeil Rotisserie cookin’, egg scramblin, pocket fishin’ fortune.  Which I’m sure dwarf’s Timberlake’s singing and acting career earnings combined.  Never deny the purchasing power of trailer people.  I must admit I have a little trailer person in me too, I like that rotisserie “Set it and Forget it!”.

So go for it Timberlake… For the trailer park person in all of us…

Portzer #2