Archive | Chuck Norris RSS for this section

Street Fighter IV, and the new generation of wimpy gamers

Ever since a kid I’ve enjoyed the street fighter series, starting with Street fighter I.  I later moved onto Street fighter II and found it to be somewhat easier to beat, but much more fun vs human opponents.  After that I took a hiatus until the late 90s when all those “alpha” streetfighters showed up.  I’ve always enjoyed them, and always have been good at them.  Don’t get me wrong, the game can be frustrating, but as far as games in the big picture go, it’s not the hardest thing out there.

So I was surprised to read many blogs and reviews about Street Fighter IV, saying it was “too hard to beat”, even on “Easy setting.”  Hmm, I thought.  I eventually got around to getting the game mid March.  I played it, and after about an hour was fully warmed up.  I played through the entire game on “medium-hard” (second hardest), completely devastating the characters except for Blanka, he was the only guy who gave me trouble.  After about 5 tries with him I overcame him.  I play Ryu by the way.

All the characters after Blanka were a complete slaughter fest.  Even the last boss fell during my first try, beating him 2 out of 3 rounds.   He was cheap, sure.  But I would expect that from a last boss..  Anyway, I thought back to the blogs.  All the whining about the game made me laugh, “The game is too hard, all the computer does is use super moves.”   This game was very easy to beat, while using trivial attacks.  Here’s a tip:  super moves are a distraction for shallow gamers whose job it is to make real gamers look good.  It has always been more effective to use regular punches and kicks to down an opponent than to rely on graphical ooh and ahh effects.  I didn’t even use the super deluxe thing that builds up energy, not even once.  I didn’t know how, because at that time I beat it I hadn’t even read the manual yet.

I won’t tell you my secrets, but they involve a lot of punching and kicking.  “The game is too hard.”  We’ve got a new generation of gamers out there, and they suck.  Here’s a challenge, try Street Fighter I on an emulator, if you dare.  I have played it, it has to be the most inconsistent game ever.  Sometimes your hits land, sometimes they don’t.  There doesn’t appear to be any rhyme or reason to it.  Sometimes I will play the emulator through to the end in 10 minutes, other times I will flail hopelessly against the first two opponents until I give up.  Looking back I know why I dumped so many quarters into that game back in the day.  It was very unpredictable, and very unforgiving.  Don’t get me wrong, when I won it it was a well deserved win.  You could never let your guard down in that game.  If you can get over the primitive graphics, you will realize that you have got it easy with SF IV.

Portzer #3

Haley Joel Osment flies to Saturn… well flies in a Saturn…

(Check this out, I’m going to do this with a little entertainment news style infused into the article. That means a mention of age and too many credits to be in one paragraph)

Haley Joel Osment of Jeff Foxworthy fame was in an accident recently. The “Bogus” (who he starred with Whoopie Goldberg in) actor was found hurt and had apparently tried to crawl out of the back of his 1995 Saturn station wagon…

That’s right a 95′ saturn station wagon…  What the heck is this guy making when he does his Kingdom Hearts voice-overs, Walker Texas Ranger disturbing sauna stuff, Sesame Street, Second Hand Lions stuff?  Maybe the wholesome looking Osment is throwing down the Benjamins for Candy LaYummy at the local interpretive pole dance bar (cause its uptown and what not).  Not to mention supporting a $5,000 a day crack habit.

WTH!!!??? A 95′ Saturn Station Wagon?

Poor poor bastard…

Portzer #2

America Activates its Missile Defense System

Kim Jong Il has pushed his country forward to testing their nuclear arsenal.  A long range Taepodong-2 missile was placed on a launch pad.  The U.S. believes it is not fueled yet and they are aiming for the middle of the ocean. 

So we decided to put up our missile defense system which costs billions.  Although tests have shown it not to be highly effective yet.  We probably would have done better to have created a system which launches flaming cans of Alpo for a few bucks. 

Well… short post I guess. I guess I could add some nonesense like, “We should go to Ping Pong and take out Kim Jong and his missle dong”.  Ok, got that out and now back to fashioning my foil hat.

Diamond in the rough

Dustin Diamond exuding his martial arts prowess

Well it turns out the dork of 'Saved by the Bell' fame is on hard times.  He needs $250,000 to save his home from foreclosure.  I read in his imdb.com biographical information that he was a black belt in karate.  He also defeated Ron Palillo in a 'Celebrity Boxing' match.  So why does Mr. Diamond not use his karate ways to do the following:

  1. Open a dojo
  2. Karate chop old ladies for their money and cat food
  3. Roundhouse the old ladies' cats in the head and sell their pelts in the black market fur trade
  4. Switch to Ramen noodles (call centers going out of business do)
  5. Fashion clothing out of pototato bags, go live in the wilderness, eat bugs and preach the evils of lending companies
  6. Unleash karate justice upon GIRALDO
  7. Sell shirts on http://www.getdshirts.com/

Ok you don't need karate for all of it but it sure helps you to pursuade people.   Fight on Dustin!

COBRA KAI!!

portzer #2

Pop Tarts and the Art of War

Well today I went to go toast my pop tarts…. I push the handle down and nothing…  Ok, so I look in there and there are busted chunks of pop tart charcoal in the bottom.  I dare to push it down again this time with great dexterity and force.  So now it starts smoking.  Well it turns out I didn’t get to toast my tarts to golden brown goodness but instead to barely warm.  I was a little pissed.  Then walks in portzer #1 who began giggling like a schoolgirl that peed in the rose bushes.  He admits as to doing it and laughs. 

DUDE, you do not f*** with a man toatsting his pop tarts.  I told him to take it out but he didn’t.  How the frick do you leave large chunks of pop tart in the toaster.  If you are so dinglish you don’t know how to remove a pop tart in one piece you do not deserve to live.  So says Portzer #2’s Art of War.  So I say to you portzer #1…. you shall pay.

He is in trouble.  As you know I grew up as a street brawler.  I fought for cash money.  The only reason I’m here and not battling underground ‘Lionheart/Jean-Claude Van Damme’ style is that I needed to end my violent ways.  I put the life behind me, but the art I still practice.  My Shidoshi has taught me to control my violent outburst, but as I start my day I expect to be able to eat a friggin pop tart without any fear of under-toastage.   So for that portzer #1 I give you warning.  Pray that I do not find you in the parking lot or in the break room or…

Can of Whoop Aspirin

Have any comments? Twalk amongst yourselves in our comments…

What our readers want

We know what our readers want. That’s right, and it’s not because we’re geniuses, or psychic, or even clairvoyantly inclined. We know what they want, because we have the search results at wordpress. WordPress tells us what people search for to reach our site. The items that have been recurring will be discussed. Some of them are disturbing, those with small children, may want to cover their eyes during this discussion.

In no particular order, recent search terms that bring people to Irqportz and our commentary on them.

crotch rot
– You sick little monkey, that is all I have to say.

Fergie peeing
– Yep, she did indeed pee and we have pictures that prove it.

dirty celebs
– We are all about the celeb bashing, dirty or clean. We get it done.

water diaper dare
– What in the world? Ok that’s just sick. If you’re wearing diapers, you better not get in a pool within 100 miles of me. I do not feel even remotely sanitary knowing that your overflowing diapers could be contaminating the water I frolic in. I like to spray water with my mouth like a whale does, think about it. If you’re wearing a diaper you don’t belong in the same water as me, simple as that. I don’t care how water proof they make it, or if they “dared” you.

fergie crotch
– Yes, her crotch is indirectly covered. What can I say? We deliver on controversial topics.

portz video
– We don’t have a video yet, but if we did it would probably feature Elton John throwing monkeys at feces.

call centre establishment in india
– Well in the states we call them “call centers”, but that aside, I’m sure you’ll see this kind of discussion spring up from time to time. BTW, learn 2 spellcheck, newb.

swiming
– You know, if you spelled swimming correctly, you probably would not have reached our site.

techniques on how to do a ninja flip
– I think this guy proved that doing ninja flips is a really bad idea (afro ninja). If you have to ask how to do this, you should not be attempting it.

Techie Fight Club

Ok, now this borders on the ridiculous.  Tech guys with ivy league degrees use household items such as frying pans and tennis rackets.  Now as I told you in an earlier posting I used to street brawl for money.  I would be able to lay the smack down no problem.  But what about little Kenny Johsnon who has been playing a little too much Tekken 5 and downed a can of Red Bull.  He’ll be so cracked out of his mind that he may just go to Beatdown ’06.  But the sad thing is he’s only able to do 3 push ups and 5 situps before exhaustion hits.  So when Sanjay Gupta comes at him with 10 pounds of curry justice there will be no doubt he’s gonna have an aneurysm.  Not to mention Nguyen rumbling in with his instant Kancho death touch and Crazy 5 Masters Peanut Pull.

 All I’m saying is that some people are gonna get hurt and I can’t see why these guys would do it.  They should do something more constructive with their time like expand and refurnish their basement.  Because there is no doubt these fools are living beneath the floorboards of Ma and Pa’s house even though they make bank or they wouldn’t be doing this…

I mean look at that picture.  Looks like two mentally handicapped atheletes down at the local elementary school polishing their Muay Thai skills for the Special Olympics.

 WOof!!