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For want of a satellite photo, the battle was lost…

At IRQportz, we rarely get into politics.  Because we realize that opinions are like a long lost Uncle with septum shattering halitosis; everyone has one, and they stink.  Among the few of us there are possibly a variety of different political configurations.  Indeed, even pizza toppings are a controversial subject around here.  But, I daresay, we stand united on this day.  On this day we found that a certain politician in California, wants to “blur” Google earth (and by extension, Google maps).  Heresy!  Why take away such a cool and useful tool based on the unfounded fears of technical ludites?

CNN has so graciously informed us of this information (http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/03/11/google.earth.censor.california/), passed on from CNET.  So I am doing my solemn duty, to be another in the long chain of information passing.  As CNN’s article exposes, A California lawmaker (in a likely bid to make a name for himself) has suggested the following:

“An operator of a commercial Internet Web site or online service that makes a virtual globe browser available to members of the public shall not provide aerial or satellite photographs or imagery of a building or facility in this state that is identified on the Internet Web site by the operator as a school or place of worship, or a government or medical building or facility, unless those photographs or images have been blurred.”

To quote CNN, “Anderson … is asking only what India and some other foreign governments are demanding for their citizens.”

Because we really are just waiting in line behind India to see what great and innovative things they do next.  I see they have recently sent a space probe to the moon; however, the 1950s called and they want their science project back.  Perhaps they were actually aiming for Jupiter’s moon, Europa?  I don’t know. I realize that India is a very large nation with great ambitions.  And God bless them, they’ve been humble toward the rest of the world.  Despite this, I don’t think that they are a beacon of all that is current and modern.  Perhaps with enough call centers, they will eclipse us all someday. Perhaps.

A secondary argument of Anderson’s was presented thusly:

“I’m all for online mapping, but knowing where the air ducts are in an air shaft is not necessary for me to navigate in the city. Who wants to know that level of detail? Bad people do.”

First of all, what kind of person says they are “all for online mapping”, and then writes a bill designed to blur it?  This I find to be puzzling.  Moving on, he mentions that Google Earth shows us where the air shafts are.  You know, I hadn’t really thought about it lately.  But I’m pretty sure I knew that there were air shafts on top of buildings when Google Earth was a twinkle in a software engineer’s eye (as he oggled scantily clad Japanese female warriors sprinting across the battlefield only to pleasure each other mid air; in those dirty, dirty cartoons).  Ahem.  What was I saying?  Ah yes, his argument supposes that we a) Did not know that buildings had air shafts until Google Earth showed us.  And b) That we did not know that airshafts generally ended at the tops of buildings, until Google Earth revealed this as well.

I don’t know about you, but I thought they dug a hole that went from the basement of the building and down through to the other side of the planet, in order to vent exhaust and take in fresh air.

Moving on, the lawmaker has some witty comebacks for his critics (or so he thinks).  From the article: “I hear the argument that, “Yeah, I want to also ban cars because cars are used in robberies.” Look, cars have other commercial uses. There are no other uses for knowing on a map where there are air shafts. These are all red herring arguments.”

First of all, the argument that cars are used in robberies, and are thus somehow responsible for them is simply an excellent analogy for his entire presentation.  I laughed when I read it, and his bringing it up only made things worse.  Ok, so of course cars have other uses.  And yet you say there are no other uses for Google Earth?  Sir, have you not ever wondered if your neighbors down the street had a swimming pool?  Have you not wanted to stare at your own roof from hundreds of miles in the sky?  Have you never wanted to simply enjoy the majestic beauty that is our civilization while you are planning a simple road trip to the side of town where all the good clubs are at?

I can’t help but mention, this guy called the car argument a “red herring”, which is incorrect. A “red Herring” is a distraction argument, it’s akin to changing the subject. If I had said “I think this guy is wrong because the other day I saw a profesional boxer wearing a tank top and strawberry shortcake apron, spoon feeding an elderly man Vienna sausages while he listened to you complain about Google Earth on his IPod…” then that would be a “red herring.”

As it turns out Google Earth is not “real time.”  The pictures it takes are bought and borrowed from various corporations and agencies that own satellites.  The picture over your house could be 10 days old, and that picture over the other side of town could be back dated from when they made music worth listening to.  I can’t imagine being paranoid of technology.  Even if there were a chance they would catch a photographic glimpse of Home Depot employees having greased plunger fights on my roof, I would still not blame the high-tech.

The above is strictly opinion and hyperbole, from portzer #3.

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Tia Tequila – who?

I hadn’t heard the name until seeing the “A Shot at love” reality show on some low rent TV channel when my cable went out.  I was surprised that they had a show with so many people vying for the affections of this girl.. A girl who looks like most any you’d find at your local strip club.  “What’s the catch?”,  I thought.  Oh, she’s bisexual.  That’s cool..  Hmm, this would be super controversial if it were, I dunno, 1999?  Not even the “touchy” subject of yesteryear seemed enough to justify this show.  I didn’t get it.

Out of morbid curiosity, I watched the whole episode.  16 Lesbians who looked like men, and 16 men, were competing to give her attention.  I don’t know a nice way to say this, but I think they could do much better.  Her tattoos made her look 10 years older than she is.  I was shocked to find out she was 26, I thought for sure she was pushing early/mid 30s.  Her personality is, average.  Just your typical, “I grew up in the suburbs but I’m embellishing the hood”, girl.

Anyhow, the season ends, she gets her guy (I seriously didn’t think any of the “women” had a chance.  They all looked like men – why settle for a woman who looks like a man when you can have, I dunno, a man?).  So besides that shocking discovery that she picked a dude over a dudely chick, my mind swept this out of relevance and I began thinking of more important things, such as whether to buy Bumblebee tuna or Starkist.  (Starkist won btw).

Just this last month I saw the show on again, “reruns” I think to myself.  But no, um, she’s back.. Wait, what?  Why?  The show was supposed to give her “A shot at love” and it did.  Next contestant.  But no, her 15 minutes of fame were apparently not enough.  What about the other girls that want a shot at love?  I honestly don’t care if she can or can’t find love at this point, she was given a perfectly good opportunity and either screwed it up or quit it for another shot at fame.  Yeah, we get it, you’re edgy.  You like girls and guys but will probably pick a guy again this time.  Kissing other girls for attention at bars became popular in the late 1990s, maybe it’s played out.

Sooner or later your biological clock will be ticking and you really will have to choose between a man and a life with women who look like Tom Jones. Don’t waste the chances you are given, sweet pea.

Portzer #3

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

Nancy Grace – attention whore of the month award

Nancy

I would like to personally nominate Nancy Grace for the reward of filling the airwaves with the most useless, drivel about a 10 year old case that no one cares about anymore. On Labor day (August 28th), I had the misfortune of going to a barbeque where the people had this CNN special playing aobut the JonBenet Ramsey case. I cannot count the number of times she repeated the same information, over and over in a mind-numbing southern drone. (Removed comment about throwing hamburgers at people with southern accents).

At the time I began to wonder, why does this 10 year old case matter? What is so much more special about a rich, blonde “beauty pageant contestant” getting killed than anyone else? I don’t get it. It’s been 10 years, can we drop it please? This also brings to mind the Natalie Holloway case, another rich, blonde. What’s the deal with the blondes?

The thing that annoyed me most about Nancy, is she kept going into a slow dramatic voice, and repeating the same grisly details about the murder over and over, as if its something new. I’m sorry, but re-reading a 10 year old police report is not news. Not only that, she said that sicko Karr guy was guilty of doing the crime without any evidence. Authorities said that he completely made it up. And why do you think he made it up? I bet she have never been on a fecal stained prison water slide in Thailand.

In anycase, CNN must’ve hired this lady to keep up with FOX new’s “it’s not news but we’re talking about it anyway” stories. It has the substance of cotton candy, you take a bite and it it melts into nothing. This lady needs to be on a soap opera, not a news show. That anguished, cheesy accent will come in quite handy.

*** Update: ***

It appears Nancy Grace has struck again. This time she tried to squeeze some tears and strife out of a completely unwilling Elizabeth Smart. Ms. Smart was clearly moving on with her life and talking about a victims bill or some such, when Mrs. Grace switched to her sappy sob voice and dove headfirst into unnecessary details about Elizabeth’s captivity. Elizabeth was furious. See for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x8ARIxg51I

Portzer #3

Connie Chung and a Little Drinky Drinky

Connie Chung singing a farewall song to her viewers and her career.  Looks like Connie Chung took a note from Bobby Lee on how she should perform.  She apparently hit the rice wine a little hard.

I don't understand how that piano player can keep a straight face while she scurries around the piano like a seal then rolls off the edge while grunting.  I would have had a fish tosser from Pike Place chuck a 40 pound frozen filet at her hoping to knock her unconcious.

I don't think it will be too long till we start seeing Connie in a tube top and flip flops trying to find out who her babies daddy is (good thing Maury has that television genre cornered).  She will proceed to to stomp around stage with saggy skin flopping about her belly area and yelling explitives.  I know this because it has been told her assistants have seen her do this before show tapings.  The biggest incident being when she snorted a box of ground altoids and complained of not being F*ed up enough.

"Rike a lhinestone cowhrboy"

portzer #2