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Funny People… apparently like the penis…

Eugenics, slavery and The Hills.  Yes all things that many Americans have jumped on the bandwagon of since the beginning of our wonderful nation.  Now we have a new one.  The penis in movies.

So, I just saw funny people. I would say the first 30 weiner jokes were funny… And then somewhere around the time Mr. Sandler commented on the thickness or size of his gardners shlong the 8 year old child inside me died.  Slowly.  Miserably.  Choking on the mighty cock of stale humor.  Mighty indeed.

Hailed as the most mature Apatow comedy?  WTF!? WTF indeed good sirs.

And I’m sure America loved it.  Since of course they have proven to “like the cock” as Jay would say to Silent Bob.  This statement is further proven by the box office power of Bruno.  <sarcasm> Yes presentations of naughty wang verbally and visually are funny <sarcasm>.  Look at The Hangover a tiny asian dude with what looked like a wrinkly robbins egg in a birds nest got the biggest laughs from the audience.

I think the next evolution in American comedy will be gay porn with knock knock jokes.  Because gosh darn it, male and female Americans like their wangs with overplayed jokes.

I believe this is the third sign of the apocalypse.  We here at irqportz know about signs of the apocalypse…  By the way.  It may be another year before I post again because I’ll be going to gay porn director school.  I’m gonna be rich mutha truckas!

Portzer #2

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America’s Got Retardeder

Holy crap, it has been too many months since I last posted.  So today I decide to give you something profound and life changing.   Peanut fed gerbils in cryostasis.  Ok, maybe not that but…

Has anyone seen America’s Got Talent this season?  The Hoff loves everyone.  I guess they let him have a little drinky drinky so he can rival the drug induced hyper go lucky commenting of Paula Abdul.  Soon the Hoff will be swaggering onstage with nothing but a leather jacket and speedo trying to monkey hump contestents into submission.  Those who are able to repel the banana hammock offensive will move on to compete for a million dollars and treatment from the Shriner’s Hospital for chest hair burns to the thighs and backs due to repeated dry hoff humpings.

The show has degraded, which is a feat in itself, into an Arsenio Hall/Springer/Gong Show Hybrid.  I’m expecting Jerry Springer to get a spray on tan and have his index fingers surgically lengthened.  I mean what the hell has happened to the audience?  I believe before the tapings they screen people to find those with the lowest IQ give them some bad acid and have a trained circus monkey give them cue’s on what to do.  I mean a male britanny spears impersonator has made it through on a chance to obtain the final prize.  Bad thing is that he’ll go far because that monkey loves him some tranny strippers in tight fitting pvc outfits.

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

The New CW! Free to be Teh Ghey…

Well I just had to post this new advertisement. If Superman Returns didn’t have enough articles about “is Superman gay?” then this will surely generate more.

Sweet merciful crap man… Poor poor Tom Welling…

And now I present the CW ad entitled “Teh GHEYNESS SUPREME”

Conan at the 2006 Emmy’s

Conan O’brien was a presenter at the Emmy’s last night.  The opening skit began with a parody of Lost but many people found it to be offensive.  Only two hours before a plane had crashed in Kentucky.  An actual plane crashing was not shown but extreme turbulence with Mr. O’Brien bouncing about was shown.

Yes this is a tragedy but how can you blame them for releasing something so close to the time it happened.  People really need to think about it this way…

Law & Order deals with murders so should everytime a murder takes place the show be yanked off the air? Or should shows be censored from having people dying in car accidents because the same thing happens in real life?

What type of guideline should these people use?  How big of a tragedy does it have to be in order to be worthy enough to yank the “objectional” content.

Just something to think about…

BTW Conan was funny…

Portzer #2

Whatever you do, don’t click this.

It’s rare that we come across a gross video that is too extreme, even for us.  This time may be the exception.  In this video, you will find some truly repulsive utilizations of dog poo (yes, it’s dog poo, so it’s not *that* bad). 

If you’re in the callcenter, you probably won’t get in trouble, but it might make you gag at the customer.  If you are the casual internet viewer, watch at the risk of your own disgust.  Whatever you do, do not click it. 

You were warned!

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/poopeater.html

Star Jones in the Wampa Cave

The Wampa that is Star Jones

Thanks to the portzer #1 for the absolutely ridiculous picture

Star Jones has finally left The View.  Not that I watched it or anything.  A bunch of post menopausal women and one token youngin talking about who they think is hunky doesn’t really draw me in as entertainment.

Barbara Walters sternly scolded Star for the way she left.  I believe this is what Walters said:
“We would have wet stawh jownes go with herwheh dignity but she decided to bite the buffet that fweeds her.  The twuth is that she is a cwack whore.  She lost all that weight fwum smoking the wock.  So with gweat regret I bid Staw Jones ado”

If Rosie O’Donnell would have been on the show at the same time as Jones they would have needed a larger table and The Dog Whisperer.  Cesar would be making his hand that signature bite shape and plunge it into the doughy necks the feral hosts posses.  The only problem is that they would bite him back and Mr. Millan would have to wear them down by hooking them each up to a tow chain attached to a multi-trailered semi.  Once he got them to pull him 100 miles or so he could train them in their new calm-submissive state.  Hooray for Ceaser Millan “The Dog Whisperer”.  Only he could sooth these savage beast women.  So their only choices were to let Star Jones go, put the big women down, or to bring in Cesar.  I say bring in Cesar cause I would watch that….

I think Star Jones will now start her journey towards the snow-capped peaks of Mt. Everest.  In 300 years she will be found in a cave resembling the Wampa inhabited in The Empire Strikes Back.  Except pack llamas and Gucci shoes would be hanging from the ceiling.  Jones will be found entombed in ice gnawing on a yak leg.  Next to her will lie the 64. oz big gulp she carted with her up the mountain.  Strangely it will be filled with gazpacho.  Her DNA will be tested and she will be touted as the missing link until a video surfaces showing Star Jones on The View.  From there she will be launched in a capsule on a path into the sun.  Never to be seen or feared again…

And you would fear her if there were hot sauce on your leg.

Portzer #2