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Sun gazing – new hobby for extreme idiots

Today we are going to talk about Sun gazing. This is a rare fad, that is starting to pick up some popularity (unfortunately). Some people do not understand the consequences of staring at the sun with their naked eyes, mostly out of sheer animal-like stupidity. But sometimes because they are willing to discard common sense and follow a few yahoos who say it is a good thing. So I’m going to reiterate the problems with this idea.

If you do a google search for sungazing, you will find dozens of sites proclaiming the usefulness of not only staring into the sun, but doing so for extended periods of time. It is mind boggling how people are perfectly wiling to find new and inventive ways to screw themselves for life. And this phenomenon is no different.

Before I dive into my rant, here is what you can expect as a “sun gazer.”

Here is what the grand canyon looks like, to a sun gazer:

Here is what hot lesbians kissing ,looks like to a sun gazer:

Here is what a beach vacation, looks like to a sun gazer:

As you might have noticed, there is a big black hole in the middle of each image. It’s not a mistake, that’s what life looks like when you’ve damaged your eyes by staring into the sun. It’s very simple science, the back of your eyeball called the “retina”, is responsible for interpreting light. When you stare at the sun, excessive ultraviolet light literally burns the back of your eyeball, until it is no longer sensitive to light. The result is a very large dead spot in your vision. In other words, don’t do it. You must be a dumbass to the 10th power to do something like this.

Now I will go into reasons people might do this. Some idiots stared at the sun, and told other idiots that it made them feel better. Cured their diseases, made them feel “invigorated”, and even increased their sex drive. I don’t know about you, but a big part of my sex drive comes from how people look. You can pretty much kiss that goodbye if you listen to their claims (I hate to sound “mean”, but if it saves someone’s eyesight, I’m willing to be insensitive for a bit).

What’s interesting about these sites, is that they all have disclaimers telling you “not to look into the sun.” This should not surprise you. This means that there is a very real likelihood of them getting sued for someone’s eye damage as a direct result of following their advice. They are telling you to do it, and not to do it at the same time. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit odd?

Let’s talk about sex drive, shall we? If you’re middle aged or above, and find your wang a little droopy there is a reason for this. It’s called nature. At that age you’re not supposed to be having children. You’re supposed to be either taking care of the ones you have, or enjoying retirement. It’s a natural process. Besides, if it was such a huge deal you could get hormone therapy and probably get some relief. I just hate to see people screw themselves over because some idiot gave them bad advice.

A lot of people have problems in their life, and are looking for answers, cures, etc. However adding to your problems by destroying your vision is probably not going to help. I’m not being mean to sun gazers, because in all likelihood they can’t read this.

portzer #3

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What our Readers Want V: A New Hope

missle song eat fish

WTF!? WTF are you on man… 

teh cw

As you probably have sadly learned they turned Clark Kent into teh ghey…

roseanne barr nude

degenerate… damn dirty degenerate…

peeing in public pools

Be carefull of not doing this in some pools due to the special dye they put in it to detect when one has evacuated their bladder off all urine.  You could probably get away with this act in most public pools and some school ones but you never know.  It is like Russian roulette.  Fire off a round if you dare.  But if you are found out say you are quite hygenic and the red stuff is really from that chewable dye tablet that detects plaque on your teeth.

INTRODUCTION TO IRQ

I’m portzer #2 and… nm you probably wanted to know about real irq’s.  Well I find them boring so I won’t bother.  But the last time I seriously had to configure an IRQ was when I played Sam and Max hit the Road in DOS.

I want a deeper voice

Well I have thought about this since there have been many searches on this issue being directed to our site.  Either hit puberty or… Here’s my theory.  A man’s voice becomes higher when he is kicked in the crotch.  What if it was well… taken care of?  I say try pawing it like a little kitten and see if that helps.  Then we will all laugh at you because you played with yourself and we tricked you into doing so.

 I’m out foo’s

Portzer #2

The New CW! Free to be Teh Ghey…

Well I just had to post this new advertisement. If Superman Returns didn’t have enough articles about “is Superman gay?” then this will surely generate more.

Sweet merciful crap man… Poor poor Tom Welling…

And now I present the CW ad entitled “Teh GHEYNESS SUPREME”

Haley Joel Osment flies to Saturn… well flies in a Saturn…

(Check this out, I’m going to do this with a little entertainment news style infused into the article. That means a mention of age and too many credits to be in one paragraph)

Haley Joel Osment of Jeff Foxworthy fame was in an accident recently. The “Bogus” (who he starred with Whoopie Goldberg in) actor was found hurt and had apparently tried to crawl out of the back of his 1995 Saturn station wagon…

That’s right a 95′ saturn station wagon…  What the heck is this guy making when he does his Kingdom Hearts voice-overs, Walker Texas Ranger disturbing sauna stuff, Sesame Street, Second Hand Lions stuff?  Maybe the wholesome looking Osment is throwing down the Benjamins for Candy LaYummy at the local interpretive pole dance bar (cause its uptown and what not).  Not to mention supporting a $5,000 a day crack habit.

WTH!!!??? A 95′ Saturn Station Wagon?

Poor poor bastard…

Portzer #2

Showtime Celebrity Love Rotisserie

hit it and forget it 

Looks like Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are splitting up.  Friends close to the couple say it isn’t true.  But you know what JT.  Dump her!  I actually spotted Diaz and Timberlake while on my honeymoon in Maui.  At Cheeseburgers in Paradise (yummy burgers and color changing collectors cups!).  She denied my wife a picture : (.  But I would have done the same if I had not spackled on concealer just 10 minutes previous to the photo.  Her skin is all freckly-like and she must have been in the ocean because her eyes were bloodshot.  But hey, we would have taken an autograph.  I should have snapped the photo anyways, ran out yelling “Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake in Cheeseburgers in Paradise.  She’s putting cheese on her head and snorting french fry seasoning”.

So now to who Timberlake is supposedly dating.  Mr. Ronco’s daughter, Lauren Popeil.  She is the heiress to the Ron Popeil Rotisserie cookin’, egg scramblin, pocket fishin’ fortune.  Which I’m sure dwarf’s Timberlake’s singing and acting career earnings combined.  Never deny the purchasing power of trailer people.  I must admit I have a little trailer person in me too, I like that rotisserie “Set it and Forget it!”.

So go for it Timberlake… For the trailer park person in all of us…

Portzer #2

America Activates its Missile Defense System

Kim Jong Il has pushed his country forward to testing their nuclear arsenal.  A long range Taepodong-2 missile was placed on a launch pad.  The U.S. believes it is not fueled yet and they are aiming for the middle of the ocean. 

So we decided to put up our missile defense system which costs billions.  Although tests have shown it not to be highly effective yet.  We probably would have done better to have created a system which launches flaming cans of Alpo for a few bucks. 

Well… short post I guess. I guess I could add some nonesense like, “We should go to Ping Pong and take out Kim Jong and his missle dong”.  Ok, got that out and now back to fashioning my foil hat.

Connie Chung and a Little Drinky Drinky

Connie Chung singing a farewall song to her viewers and her career.  Looks like Connie Chung took a note from Bobby Lee on how she should perform.  She apparently hit the rice wine a little hard.

I don't understand how that piano player can keep a straight face while she scurries around the piano like a seal then rolls off the edge while grunting.  I would have had a fish tosser from Pike Place chuck a 40 pound frozen filet at her hoping to knock her unconcious.

I don't think it will be too long till we start seeing Connie in a tube top and flip flops trying to find out who her babies daddy is (good thing Maury has that television genre cornered).  She will proceed to to stomp around stage with saggy skin flopping about her belly area and yelling explitives.  I know this because it has been told her assistants have seen her do this before show tapings.  The biggest incident being when she snorted a box of ground altoids and complained of not being F*ed up enough.

"Rike a lhinestone cowhrboy"

portzer #2