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America’s Got Retardeder

Holy crap, it has been too many months since I last posted.  So today I decide to give you something profound and life changing.   Peanut fed gerbils in cryostasis.  Ok, maybe not that but…

Has anyone seen America’s Got Talent this season?  The Hoff loves everyone.  I guess they let him have a little drinky drinky so he can rival the drug induced hyper go lucky commenting of Paula Abdul.  Soon the Hoff will be swaggering onstage with nothing but a leather jacket and speedo trying to monkey hump contestents into submission.  Those who are able to repel the banana hammock offensive will move on to compete for a million dollars and treatment from the Shriner’s Hospital for chest hair burns to the thighs and backs due to repeated dry hoff humpings.

The show has degraded, which is a feat in itself, into an Arsenio Hall/Springer/Gong Show Hybrid.  I’m expecting Jerry Springer to get a spray on tan and have his index fingers surgically lengthened.  I mean what the hell has happened to the audience?  I believe before the tapings they screen people to find those with the lowest IQ give them some bad acid and have a trained circus monkey give them cue’s on what to do.  I mean a male britanny spears impersonator has made it through on a chance to obtain the final prize.  Bad thing is that he’ll go far because that monkey loves him some tranny strippers in tight fitting pvc outfits.

Richard Simmons releases controversial sex tape

Yes, it has been a while as portzer #2 points out. So it’s time to get back to business. Today Richard Simmons released a controversial sex tape that is working its way through the adult market. In the tape, aptly named “How to do it like a man”, Richard Simmons vows to demonstrate how to be the Alpha male that women all secretly crave in the cave dwelling portion of their brain.

To start, Richard Simmons gives some warmup techniques, particularly how to loosen up the joints. This is performed to “Tutti Frutti” song by Little Richard. Clearly Mr. Simmons is being metrosexual, i.e. he is so confident in his heterosexuality that he is acting the opposite as a joke. In fact, he says the ladies like this a lot. So add this to your getting laid checklist: Listen to extremely fruity music.

As the tape progresses, Richard Simmons shows you how to take a woman and make her your love slave. He emphasizes this by baking a woman a pie, and then spreading it all over his chest in small circles in a very .. manly fashion. This must stir cravings in all but the most prudish of women.

Towards the end Richard can be seen yelling at a woman on a treadmill. This kind of roleplaying is typical, as he is the dungeon master when it comes to exercise equipment. “You go girlfriend, push it!”, he commands as the woman becomes exhausted from the foreplay. In fact, one rather corpulent woman nearly fainted at the sound of Mr. Simmon’s voice, when he said “ok you’re done sweet-tush.” Clearly, the man has machismo, and testosterone powers that us mere mortals can only dream about..

Until next time..

Portzer #3

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

What our Readers Want V: A New Hope

missle song eat fish

WTF!? WTF are you on man… 

teh cw

As you probably have sadly learned they turned Clark Kent into teh ghey…

roseanne barr nude

degenerate… damn dirty degenerate…

peeing in public pools

Be carefull of not doing this in some pools due to the special dye they put in it to detect when one has evacuated their bladder off all urine.  You could probably get away with this act in most public pools and some school ones but you never know.  It is like Russian roulette.  Fire off a round if you dare.  But if you are found out say you are quite hygenic and the red stuff is really from that chewable dye tablet that detects plaque on your teeth.

INTRODUCTION TO IRQ

I’m portzer #2 and… nm you probably wanted to know about real irq’s.  Well I find them boring so I won’t bother.  But the last time I seriously had to configure an IRQ was when I played Sam and Max hit the Road in DOS.

I want a deeper voice

Well I have thought about this since there have been many searches on this issue being directed to our site.  Either hit puberty or… Here’s my theory.  A man’s voice becomes higher when he is kicked in the crotch.  What if it was well… taken care of?  I say try pawing it like a little kitten and see if that helps.  Then we will all laugh at you because you played with yourself and we tricked you into doing so.

 I’m out foo’s

Portzer #2

Nancy Grace – attention whore of the month award

Nancy

I would like to personally nominate Nancy Grace for the reward of filling the airwaves with the most useless, drivel about a 10 year old case that no one cares about anymore. On Labor day (August 28th), I had the misfortune of going to a barbeque where the people had this CNN special playing aobut the JonBenet Ramsey case. I cannot count the number of times she repeated the same information, over and over in a mind-numbing southern drone. (Removed comment about throwing hamburgers at people with southern accents).

At the time I began to wonder, why does this 10 year old case matter? What is so much more special about a rich, blonde “beauty pageant contestant” getting killed than anyone else? I don’t get it. It’s been 10 years, can we drop it please? This also brings to mind the Natalie Holloway case, another rich, blonde. What’s the deal with the blondes?

The thing that annoyed me most about Nancy, is she kept going into a slow dramatic voice, and repeating the same grisly details about the murder over and over, as if its something new. I’m sorry, but re-reading a 10 year old police report is not news. Not only that, she said that sicko Karr guy was guilty of doing the crime without any evidence. Authorities said that he completely made it up. And why do you think he made it up? I bet she have never been on a fecal stained prison water slide in Thailand.

In anycase, CNN must’ve hired this lady to keep up with FOX new’s “it’s not news but we’re talking about it anyway” stories. It has the substance of cotton candy, you take a bite and it it melts into nothing. This lady needs to be on a soap opera, not a news show. That anguished, cheesy accent will come in quite handy.

*** Update: ***

It appears Nancy Grace has struck again. This time she tried to squeeze some tears and strife out of a completely unwilling Elizabeth Smart. Ms. Smart was clearly moving on with her life and talking about a victims bill or some such, when Mrs. Grace switched to her sappy sob voice and dove headfirst into unnecessary details about Elizabeth’s captivity. Elizabeth was furious. See for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x8ARIxg51I

Portzer #3

We Gettin’ Canned Yo

At one time there was a great deal of speculation concerning AOL layoff rumors. That speculation is no more. It is now clear that all of the Tucson sites will be laid off in the near future (i.e. less than 6 months from now).

It’s an inevitable state of affairs if you look at AOL’s changing business model. They are changing revenue to be advertisement based and not subscription based. To accelerate that, they are giving free service to those who have high speed and do not want tech support. Clearly they are stepping away from a software platform, and embracing one that is web based. Hence no need for techs (us).

To make the possibility even more clear, they admitted to needing to layoff 5,000 people (duh), 3,000 of which will come from Europe. The other 2,000 will likely be us here in Tucson, and whatever callcenters remain (I think Abequerque). It is our belief that India will stay on to be the last techs. Why cut the cheap ones first? (thinking like an idiot bean counter).

So anyway we post here to put any speculation to rest, and plan for the future. Yes we were those guys that walked you through deleting files and reinstalling CD’s. Yes we wrote disgusting articles shortly after talking with you. We were those guys.

We hold little ill-will towards our employer. Much like you would not hold ill-will toward a retarded kid that hits you with a baseball he was playing with. You can’t get mad at him, because he’s retarded. The same holds for our company. I could go into a lengthy diatrabe about corporate stupidity. Let me just say, I have never understood the figure of speech “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”, more clearly than I have in the years I’ve been working at this company. For those about to be canned, we salute you!

Who woulda thought..Lance Bass…gay? Surely you jest.

So In recent news Lance Bass revealed that he’s gay. So how is that news? From the first time this portzer (#5) saw these guys he called it by telling his friends when *NSYNC premiered “Dude hes totally ghey”. Now he’s coming out and revealing everything in a tell all article. I guess he decided to follow in JT’s footsteps about his private life showing he isn’t so squeaky clean after all (He who squeaks the loudest gets the lube). We are all anxiously waiting for the quotes about why Bass decided to come out now to be similar to.. “I figured since Justin was exposing his private life about his doing drugs and stuff..and I guess I want to do the same, but instead of doing drugs..it’s guys.” Brings new meaning to “PUFF PUFF PASS to the left.  Then he’ll flash his quirky I-could-be-a-child-molester-but-I’m-a-pop-star smile and we’ll feel sorry as a society for oppressing him and not being able to flaunt his sexuality to all those 10-12 year olds. Way to make me feel bad Lance! According to him he felt that telling anyone would “overpower” everything. Overpower the most powerful boy band this planet has seen? Riiiiggghhhhhttt. Well if they ever go on tour they will have a bigger fanbase than before. One would have to wonder how it made a gay man feel to have to sing songs about “Be my girlfriend baby”, “Baby, would you be my baby, Baby?”, and “Girl, I want to do you as my girlfriend, baby, all night girl, baby” when he really wanted to sing songs like “I want you in my back”, “Tie me up, punch me and tell me you love me”, and “Young and tender tubesteak”. Well good for you Lance in taking some time to think about how to come out. “I wanted to think about it because I knew I had 4 guys.. in my hands”..he was talking about their careers. Well if you ever decide to change teams you have the millions of barely legal girls that still think you’re a hunk and we like you too. But not in that way. Hey maybe the other guys from *NSYNC can be gay too..it would definately help their careers..joe fat one , that one guy chris (who we think is gay also) and JC Shazam. Does this new found sexuality mean that you’re not going to try to work your way back into the black void…er..of space? Well We here at the IRQ wish you the bestest of the gay. Peace out homo..er..homie.-Portzer #5