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Interview madness

The Circle Jerk.

In blogging, there is a term known as “The Circle Jerk”, today IRQportz tackles this controversial topic. No, this article isn’t about something derogatory. It is about the process in which bloggers who have fallen on rough times tend to interview each other in order to have something to talk about. This may seem somewhat ridiculous and you might think “what’s the point?” But, there is none. The circle jerk is a means of deriving blog content from meaningless banter with other bloggers of equal unimportance.

For example, several “techie” blogs will interview each other, and then post that interview on all three blogs, thereby each saving themselves the effort of writing an actual article. Additionally, it is hoped by interviewing each other they will obtain a sense of status in the tech community. However, most people with an IQ above 50 can see through this not-so clever ruse.

In honor of this great blogging tradition, IRQportz is going to take this one step further. Instead of bribing another blogger into interviewing us, or performing “blogual favors” for other blogs, we are going to interview ourselves! This is especially cheesy, and it is our hope that this surpasses the cheesiness of the blogs that circle jerk each other.

Today, IRQportzer #3 will be interviewing the the controversial yet informative, portzer #1. (Please stay tuned for the followup interview by portzer#2 as well).

The interview will now commense:

Irqportz#3: How long have you been working for AOL?

Irqportz#1: Hmm, let me think about that one. Amid the chaos and toil that’s been going on lately, I’ll have to jog my memory for a bit to recall this important detail. By the way, the last time I jogged, I ended up pulling my groin muscle while doing so. It was very painful and I had to seek medical attention. I don’t want to explain the personal problem in detail, but just imagine a cherry tomato being stuck in a visegrip and being pressed all the way. Oh, yeah, back to that question you asked me, sorry. I have been with AOL since March of 2004.

Irqportz#3: What was your child hood like?

Irqportz#1: Thats a most excellent question, my friend! Well, growing up, my family didn’t have much money. My father worked in a blast furnace, and brought home coal so that we could barbecue expired meat that my mother would bring home from second hand grocery stores.

(Irqportz#3: I see..)

Irqportz#1: Since the local newspaper fired me for delivering soiled newspapers, (yeah, sometimes we didn’t have any money to buy Charmin, so I would bring home some papers early in the morning so everyone could wipe the sludge from their behinds, then I would attempt to deliver these to customers I detested) so I found a job as a street fighter.

(Irqportz#3: That’s intense..)

Irqportz#1: I studied under the warrior-ship of Caonima Peoshi, a legend in those times. He taught me devastating moves such as: Ha-Poo-Ken, a close quarter move where I would blow freeze dried feces in an opponents eyes, disabling them for the entirety of the match, but sometimes it entered their mouth by accident. I was also taught the powerful Camel Tso (pronounced “toe” ) which would cripple my opponents by having them gaze at my ghastly crotch maneuver. The effects would last for days, even weeks, and those who already witnessed its power would automatically forfeit to me, allowing me to win. I eventually gained a six pack and attained the title of grand champion.

Irqportz#3: Well, that certainly answered that question. Probably too much info if you ask me.. In any case, back to the questions.

If you had to make a choice, which would you choose: Playtex gentle-glide or Tampax medium? (Please note that portzer#1 is male and this is merely an abstract question)

Irqportz#1: I find it funny that you should ask this question. Well, luckily, I have had experience with this arcane device. One time, I decided to drink an entire bottle of Stalin brand Vodka, which got me so intoxicated, I was able to communicate with street signs.

(Irqportz#3: I’m worried already..)

Irqportz#1: Well, the next day, I experienced severe “runny buttocks” syndrome, as well as a fever, headache, dystopia, and crotch rot, and still being at about 75% blood alcohol content, I decided to visit a drug store, in search of a rectal thermometer. I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up wandering into the feminine products section. Maybe it was the dazzling colors of the items that tantalized me, who knows.

Irqportz#1: In all the confusion and not to mention blurred vision, I ended up opening a box of Play-Tex gentle-glide, took my pants and underwear off, and began to put one in my behind, not knowing they were not meant for measuring temperature.

(Irportz#3: I’m speechless..)

Irqportz#1: Well, a sales associate saw me and instantly freaked, it looked like someone had just cast an unbreakable fear on them for 20 seconds; they began to run around the store uncontrollably with their hands above their head. While the employee that made first contact was busy vomiting in the store’s water fountain, another employee grabbed a phone and called the police.

Irqportz#1: I’m not sure how much later it was but when the cops appeared, they acted like they didn’t see me and tried to leave the store (the Play-Tex gentle-glide was still halfway in)

(Irqportz#3: That I did not need to know..)

Irqportz#1: The employee who was yakking earlier pointed to me and said, “where the *#$% are you going?? Thats the guy!! Take him away, HE’S RIGHT HERE!!” Well, I’m not sure what happened next, I sort of blacked out while I felt my body being lifted. While in the backseat of the squad car I was fading in and out between levels of consciousness then all of a sudden I felt a river of “molten brown lava” flow underneath me and all over the seat. Later on in court, I lucked out and ended up getting off the hook with no criminal record charges, the judge felt sorry for me and just made me pay the bill for having the backseat of that squad car cleaned out.

Irqportz#3: I don’t think there is a word that could adequately describe that situation. But we must move on.

How would you rate AOL’s likelihood to exist in 10 years?

Irqportz#1: ROFLMFAO!!!!!

Irqportz#3: It’s a serious question.

Irqportz#1: Ha, thats like asking if Brian Peppers will ever look normal and become the next Mother Theresa. ‘Nuff said.

Irqportz#3: Thanks for the comments. If there was a virtual reality feature that could enable you to reach through the phone line while taking calls, would you take advantage of it?

Irqportz#1: Oh hell yes! Why must you tease me with luxuries I will never own??!! I have been thinking about this concept for many moons. With all these devious thoughts in mind, what would the limit be? How long could we sabotage their residence before our light use plan runs out and summons us back on the other end of the phone? There are many vile things I would do to hi-jack someone living quarters and the owner themselves, but I stand tall and dare not mention that, for fear of the agents stumbling onto my plans and silencing me.

Irqportz#3: Agents? .. well, no matter. Last question:

Does anyone really eat fish tacos?

Irqportz#1: For Ariel, the Little Mermaid, anything goes, hehehe.

Irqportz#3: This concludes the interview, I want to thank Irqportz#1 from taking time out of his busy day to respond to our questions.

There you have it folks, please stay tuned for the second part in our two part series: Irqportz#1 gets interviewed by Irqportz#2.

Bill Gates and the Oompa Loompa Empire…

Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!

Well it appears that Mr. Gates is going to step down from running day to day operations at Microsoft.  I guess it will be really nice to chill at home and sip a 40.  I mean come on, the dude is more powerful than Oprah.  I guess he is going to retire so that he can protect the secret treasure that our forefathers had hidden for hundreds of years.  Or he can hopefully go through a mid-life crisis, buy a Jag, get a Clay Aiken haircut, two monkeys that do Aikido and eat broccoli, and learn a new sense of fashion from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (that's right oversized rose colored glasses, big wooden beads and a shirt that will show off his non-existent chest).  I say hopefully because he looks like the character Dana Carvey played to get into the Turtle club.  What makes it even further amusing is if you imagine Gates running in slow motion with his lips out and his head hunched over while Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" plays in the background.  'Im a coWboy, on a steel horse IIII riiIIIIiide!!! IIIII'mMm WANTED DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!'

Well, I think we portzers (not portzer #1) will be ruling the world soon.  Through ninjitsu, |_33+ [0d||\|G, and our savvy business sense.  While I think portzer #1 will be left homeless having lost all of his money running a poop site with Mr. Greenstein.  Although, by our search and tag hits, it looks like the poo is popular.

Well good luck and have fun Bill.

Ride on cowboy… ride on…

portzer #2