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Well it’s black Tuesday all over again.

And it’s no surprise. Someone leaked that layoffs would be happening (today) weeks ago. AOL must be scratching their heads going “Who told?” Well we don’t know either. But we find it quite amusing.

Anyway, it should be called Happy Tuesday. Because people will just begin to see how much more life has to offer than a thankless, unrewarding job. A job that is one level above fast food, yet promised so much more.

To other “techs” in pseudo “technical” positions around the country. Think about this: If you have a hard time describing your job on a resume, that’s because your job is a joke. Real positions are well defined and easy to explain. If you have to think (like I did) and start listing out things you do instead of giving the name of a profession; your resume will not benefit from this job. Get out now.

Here’s what you can do:  Go to school.

No matter how much it costs, or how much effort it takes.  If you can afford it do it.  At least get concrete certifications if you can’t make it to college. Though certifications are only as good as how up to date they are. Degrees are forever, keep that in mind. Getting an education is about the only reliable way to prevent yourself from being used as cheap labor. There are an unlimited amount of people out there that can fill a tech job. There aren’t an unlimited amount of them with degrees.

Anyway, I wish all those that were laid off well. I really do. Hopefully all will find more rewarding prospects in the future. It’s been real.

– Irqportzter #3

This is all Portzer #2’s fault

Indeed, the pain you are about to experience is the work of none other than portzer #2. In an email sent to me on April 4th, 2007, he directs my attention to new content for the blog.  And what he showed me was this monstrosity.  I cannot deny him his foul content wishes, because it would hamper creativity.  Censorship is a slippery slope.  Thus, behold, from the bowels of hades and portzer #2’s own imagination:

Nake fat guy dancing

 

fatty.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

[@nn3d

Yes sah. We got canned here at AOL, as predicted. Our Tucson site will be closing in December 16th and along with it our jobs. We get one month severance package (yay). I only wish they would start the severance early so I could chill while finding another job.

In any case here is how the day went. On Wednesday, October 18th I went into work and I saw the Channel 13 news van. I figured, either someone got shot, or we’re getting laid off. It was that simple. And I was correct on the second account. I walked in and immediately was greeted by the Workforce management person. They had us go into a room where we listened to a Human Resources person give a spiel about why our site was getting shutdown, and what our benefits were. Well we know this was going to happen (refer to this article).

It was funny, because I was already going to jump the second I got another job offer, so this did not have the “scary” effect they supposed it would have on me. I do however, feel sorry for those who were counting on this job as it will no doubt affect them unless they can get employment quickly.

In any case, I left with a bottled water and a threat not to talk to the media or we risk losing our severance package. (Good luck figuring out who I am). Obviously that went over well. I don’t know why they didn’t want us talking to the media, maybe the media would paint them in a bad light because they are keeping India call centers open. But people should’ve known that was going to happen the second the India callcenter’s opened.

They don’t “augment” workforces with India, they replace them. And it’s so common now no one will make a big fuss when it happens. Any remaining employees working for Dell or any other big company that outsources, your jobs are in jeopardy whether your company admits it or not. I suggest education and training, and looking for a more reliable position. I will not give away my plans as I feel it may be used to identify me, but needless to say I will not be in bad shape.

For those who got canned, we salute you!

portzer #3

From Ditzy to Drunk she gets out of jail by shaking her non-existent badunkadunk

Let me start with… THAT WAS THE LONGEST TITLE EVAH!!!

Ok, now to the news. 

Paris Hilton was recently arrested on DUI charges but got out within less than three hours without posting bail.  Apparently the watch commander thought it was too dangerous to have the paparazzi around.

What I think the real reason is that the watch commander was more worried about the toxic seepage coming from Hilton.  Being anorexic, full of toxins, and STD’s makes her a biohazard that only a swat robot can come into contact with and not corrode in a minute (swat robots will go down in 5 minutes). 

But Hilton had a .8 blood alcohol level.  This is probably very bad as seeing she has a .0001 brain cell count and is unable to comprehend anything if she is looking at the pictures in See Spot Run let alone driving while drunk.

Well I’m glad she got arrested and hope she learns something

WHORE… (Tourettes moment)

Portzer #2

Nancy Grace – attention whore of the month award

Nancy

I would like to personally nominate Nancy Grace for the reward of filling the airwaves with the most useless, drivel about a 10 year old case that no one cares about anymore. On Labor day (August 28th), I had the misfortune of going to a barbeque where the people had this CNN special playing aobut the JonBenet Ramsey case. I cannot count the number of times she repeated the same information, over and over in a mind-numbing southern drone. (Removed comment about throwing hamburgers at people with southern accents).

At the time I began to wonder, why does this 10 year old case matter? What is so much more special about a rich, blonde “beauty pageant contestant” getting killed than anyone else? I don’t get it. It’s been 10 years, can we drop it please? This also brings to mind the Natalie Holloway case, another rich, blonde. What’s the deal with the blondes?

The thing that annoyed me most about Nancy, is she kept going into a slow dramatic voice, and repeating the same grisly details about the murder over and over, as if its something new. I’m sorry, but re-reading a 10 year old police report is not news. Not only that, she said that sicko Karr guy was guilty of doing the crime without any evidence. Authorities said that he completely made it up. And why do you think he made it up? I bet she have never been on a fecal stained prison water slide in Thailand.

In anycase, CNN must’ve hired this lady to keep up with FOX new’s “it’s not news but we’re talking about it anyway” stories. It has the substance of cotton candy, you take a bite and it it melts into nothing. This lady needs to be on a soap opera, not a news show. That anguished, cheesy accent will come in quite handy.

*** Update: ***

It appears Nancy Grace has struck again. This time she tried to squeeze some tears and strife out of a completely unwilling Elizabeth Smart. Ms. Smart was clearly moving on with her life and talking about a victims bill or some such, when Mrs. Grace switched to her sappy sob voice and dove headfirst into unnecessary details about Elizabeth’s captivity. Elizabeth was furious. See for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x8ARIxg51I

Portzer #3