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Nancy Grace upstaged by Dutch reporter named Vries

In an amazing twist of events on the drab, overplayed, and severely unnecessary Holloway coverage – a Dutch reporter pulls off the Super Bowl of stories, and makes Nancy Grace look like the peewee football league in comparison. The reporter set up some kind of sting operation on Van Der Sloot, involving cameras, fake friends, disgusting Dutch food, and a lot of patience. More than a week ago he was telling us that he had new information and would show it to us this Sunday, and he sure delivered.

His evidence and reporting in the case push Nancy grace squarely into irrelevancy on the topic. With Nancy’s appearance today touting Vries’s weeks old information as “breaking news – Holloway dumped at sea”, it’s clear that she exists off of the table scraps of real reporters. Meanwhile, no one knows if the admission on Vries’s tape was true or if it was a fabrication. Mr. Van Der Sloot has lied before, and he could be lying again. Or he could be lying about lying. Or he could be lying about lying about lying. The point is, without a body it’s still not proof of the crime. Though it does leave the guy in the hot seat.

But think about this for a moment – what if the admission was a distraction? What if he really hacked her up psycho style and buried the body, and this whole “she overdosed so I freaked out and dumped her in the ocean” scenario is just a seed planted to divert from the real murder? Who knows? Nancy however does not feel the need to think outside the box on this. Though she may just be happy to have something to report on, after so many agonizing months of repeating the same information.

In her frenzy to jump on last months news bandwagon, she’s overlooking the possibility of Van Der Sloot planting a less incriminating story. Cheers Nancy. Maybe there are some soccer moms out there that think you’ve got the scoop. But we know better.

Portzer#3

Well it’s black Tuesday all over again.

And it’s no surprise. Someone leaked that layoffs would be happening (today) weeks ago. AOL must be scratching their heads going “Who told?” Well we don’t know either. But we find it quite amusing.

Anyway, it should be called Happy Tuesday. Because people will just begin to see how much more life has to offer than a thankless, unrewarding job. A job that is one level above fast food, yet promised so much more.

To other “techs” in pseudo “technical” positions around the country. Think about this: If you have a hard time describing your job on a resume, that’s because your job is a joke. Real positions are well defined and easy to explain. If you have to think (like I did) and start listing out things you do instead of giving the name of a profession; your resume will not benefit from this job. Get out now.

Here’s what you can do:  Go to school.

No matter how much it costs, or how much effort it takes.  If you can afford it do it.  At least get concrete certifications if you can’t make it to college. Though certifications are only as good as how up to date they are. Degrees are forever, keep that in mind. Getting an education is about the only reliable way to prevent yourself from being used as cheap labor. There are an unlimited amount of people out there that can fill a tech job. There aren’t an unlimited amount of them with degrees.

Anyway, I wish all those that were laid off well. I really do. Hopefully all will find more rewarding prospects in the future. It’s been real.

– Irqportzter #3

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

Whatever you do, don’t click this.

It’s rare that we come across a gross video that is too extreme, even for us.  This time may be the exception.  In this video, you will find some truly repulsive utilizations of dog poo (yes, it’s dog poo, so it’s not *that* bad). 

If you’re in the callcenter, you probably won’t get in trouble, but it might make you gag at the customer.  If you are the casual internet viewer, watch at the risk of your own disgust.  Whatever you do, do not click it. 

You were warned!

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/poopeater.html

We Gettin’ Canned Yo

At one time there was a great deal of speculation concerning AOL layoff rumors. That speculation is no more. It is now clear that all of the Tucson sites will be laid off in the near future (i.e. less than 6 months from now).

It’s an inevitable state of affairs if you look at AOL’s changing business model. They are changing revenue to be advertisement based and not subscription based. To accelerate that, they are giving free service to those who have high speed and do not want tech support. Clearly they are stepping away from a software platform, and embracing one that is web based. Hence no need for techs (us).

To make the possibility even more clear, they admitted to needing to layoff 5,000 people (duh), 3,000 of which will come from Europe. The other 2,000 will likely be us here in Tucson, and whatever callcenters remain (I think Abequerque). It is our belief that India will stay on to be the last techs. Why cut the cheap ones first? (thinking like an idiot bean counter).

So anyway we post here to put any speculation to rest, and plan for the future. Yes we were those guys that walked you through deleting files and reinstalling CD’s. Yes we wrote disgusting articles shortly after talking with you. We were those guys.

We hold little ill-will towards our employer. Much like you would not hold ill-will toward a retarded kid that hits you with a baseball he was playing with. You can’t get mad at him, because he’s retarded. The same holds for our company. I could go into a lengthy diatrabe about corporate stupidity. Let me just say, I have never understood the figure of speech “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”, more clearly than I have in the years I’ve been working at this company. For those about to be canned, we salute you!

The Presidential Massage of Doom

Lets discuss this back massage done on German Chancellor Angela Merkel. First of all, those government people were summoned to do battle with debates and discuss diplomacy, not there for shoulder massages. I mean, he’s doing it all wrong. First, they need to have less clothes on, period. Trying to rub out knotted muscles with a suit on makes it harder to do so, not to mention heat generation and so forth. Sorry if I’m being too technical. Also, they need to use some form of oil to make sure there is a friction while the rubbings take place. If not, then its like trying to play with a dry apple pie, if ya know what I mean. I almost forgot what about a happy ending?? That Chancellor look liked she was saying, “get the hell away from me, you brute” Amid the chaos, I have discovered a more effective way for a memorable massage. My gourmet process for a grande massage is as follows:

1. First, I visit local rest homes and gather all of the residents’ fresh diapers, and stick them in my stolen Dominoes Pizza heat bag, them rush them to my office. I quickly transfer the soft stool into my registered trademark liquid-proof stay fresh swim diapers and place them in the oven for 6 minutes at 100 degrees. I quickly take the diapers out and place them on my client for about 10 minutes.

2. While the bubbling diapers help warm their skin and relax the muscles, I prepare myself. I drink a cup of Bushka brand Chai tea, then make a friendly gesture towards Amen-Ramen, my god. I take off my clothes and begin to fall into a trance. I picture myself slowly falling through giant toilets; it feels like transcending through space and time. This gets me pumped up for the actual massage.

3. I remove the diapers from my client, and begin to spread on “Tres Flores” on their back. I have found this to be extremely useful in acquiring a good amount of friction to rub out the naughty and neglected muscles. It’s so greasy, in fact, they can also put it in their hair and become a John Travolta cliche` “Grease” character.

4. My client has the option of entering our exotic mud baths filled with fluide de merde, which helps open up the pores from such an exhilarating experience. The tubs operate at a lovely 110 degrees, just the right amount to aid in molten French mud. The best thing is, we never clean out the tubs, we simply keep then heated for the next client. The idea is, each individual who basks in the ambience adds to the circle, thus enriching its mystic nutrients for the next individuals to enjoy.

I hope this gave you a better understanding of my masseuse parlor, and what goals we strive to keep for each and every customer.