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America’s Got Retardeder

Holy crap, it has been too many months since I last posted.  So today I decide to give you something profound and life changing.   Peanut fed gerbils in cryostasis.  Ok, maybe not that but…

Has anyone seen America’s Got Talent this season?  The Hoff loves everyone.  I guess they let him have a little drinky drinky so he can rival the drug induced hyper go lucky commenting of Paula Abdul.  Soon the Hoff will be swaggering onstage with nothing but a leather jacket and speedo trying to monkey hump contestents into submission.  Those who are able to repel the banana hammock offensive will move on to compete for a million dollars and treatment from the Shriner’s Hospital for chest hair burns to the thighs and backs due to repeated dry hoff humpings.

The show has degraded, which is a feat in itself, into an Arsenio Hall/Springer/Gong Show Hybrid.  I’m expecting Jerry Springer to get a spray on tan and have his index fingers surgically lengthened.  I mean what the hell has happened to the audience?  I believe before the tapings they screen people to find those with the lowest IQ give them some bad acid and have a trained circus monkey give them cue’s on what to do.  I mean a male britanny spears impersonator has made it through on a chance to obtain the final prize.  Bad thing is that he’ll go far because that monkey loves him some tranny strippers in tight fitting pvc outfits.

Well it’s black Tuesday all over again.

And it’s no surprise. Someone leaked that layoffs would be happening (today) weeks ago. AOL must be scratching their heads going “Who told?” Well we don’t know either. But we find it quite amusing.

Anyway, it should be called Happy Tuesday. Because people will just begin to see how much more life has to offer than a thankless, unrewarding job. A job that is one level above fast food, yet promised so much more.

To other “techs” in pseudo “technical” positions around the country. Think about this: If you have a hard time describing your job on a resume, that’s because your job is a joke. Real positions are well defined and easy to explain. If you have to think (like I did) and start listing out things you do instead of giving the name of a profession; your resume will not benefit from this job. Get out now.

Here’s what you can do:  Go to school.

No matter how much it costs, or how much effort it takes.  If you can afford it do it.  At least get concrete certifications if you can’t make it to college. Though certifications are only as good as how up to date they are. Degrees are forever, keep that in mind. Getting an education is about the only reliable way to prevent yourself from being used as cheap labor. There are an unlimited amount of people out there that can fill a tech job. There aren’t an unlimited amount of them with degrees.

Anyway, I wish all those that were laid off well. I really do. Hopefully all will find more rewarding prospects in the future. It’s been real.

– Irqportzter #3

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

What our Readers Want V: A New Hope

missle song eat fish

WTF!? WTF are you on man… 

teh cw

As you probably have sadly learned they turned Clark Kent into teh ghey…

roseanne barr nude

degenerate… damn dirty degenerate…

peeing in public pools

Be carefull of not doing this in some pools due to the special dye they put in it to detect when one has evacuated their bladder off all urine.  You could probably get away with this act in most public pools and some school ones but you never know.  It is like Russian roulette.  Fire off a round if you dare.  But if you are found out say you are quite hygenic and the red stuff is really from that chewable dye tablet that detects plaque on your teeth.

INTRODUCTION TO IRQ

I’m portzer #2 and… nm you probably wanted to know about real irq’s.  Well I find them boring so I won’t bother.  But the last time I seriously had to configure an IRQ was when I played Sam and Max hit the Road in DOS.

I want a deeper voice

Well I have thought about this since there have been many searches on this issue being directed to our site.  Either hit puberty or… Here’s my theory.  A man’s voice becomes higher when he is kicked in the crotch.  What if it was well… taken care of?  I say try pawing it like a little kitten and see if that helps.  Then we will all laugh at you because you played with yourself and we tricked you into doing so.

 I’m out foo’s

Portzer #2

Foreign Pastries and the War on Terrorism

Ladies and Gentlemen….

The world is now safe. My mother was not allowed to bring her empanadas on board her flight home. For the uninitiated and the un-Mexican, empanadas are pastries which have a semi-circular dough like exterior and a filling that is the consistency of pumpkin pie filling. (and yes there are a few more cultures which have empanadas).

Well my mother called the airline for advice as to whether she could board with an empanada and they denied her due to it having a filling.  Wow…

If this is what America is coming to I do not like it.  I love this country but for the love of Pete, no empanadas.  Although there are the many terrorists that will MacGyver a pastry to bring the crew of a plane to their knees.  And God help us all if they had a Smuckers Uncrustable.

But if I were a terrorist I think I could smuggle in the necessary items without much hassle.  I would disguise myself as a female kindergarten teacher.  The large beaded necklace could be made out of C4 and the wire to attach to the power source would be in said necklace.  I would then power it with a toilet paper roll wrapped with the necklace wire and then have the energy go into a capacitor which I would get from my “earrings”.  Then I would eat paste and animal crackers while reflecting on my evil genius.

Things to be banned after the release of this article…

  • Large-bead necklaces (good because they are freaky anyways)
  • Toilet paper rolls
  • Earrings
  • Paste (bad because I need a tasty treat… well it is already banned I guess… well maybe not in gluestick form…)

Portzer #2

Whatever you do, don’t click this.

It’s rare that we come across a gross video that is too extreme, even for us.  This time may be the exception.  In this video, you will find some truly repulsive utilizations of dog poo (yes, it’s dog poo, so it’s not *that* bad). 

If you’re in the callcenter, you probably won’t get in trouble, but it might make you gag at the customer.  If you are the casual internet viewer, watch at the risk of your own disgust.  Whatever you do, do not click it. 

You were warned!

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/poopeater.html