Archive | German Chancellor RSS for this section

Richard Simmons releases controversial sex tape

Yes, it has been a while as portzer #2 points out. So it’s time to get back to business. Today Richard Simmons released a controversial sex tape that is working its way through the adult market. In the tape, aptly named “How to do it like a man”, Richard Simmons vows to demonstrate how to be the Alpha male that women all secretly crave in the cave dwelling portion of their brain.

To start, Richard Simmons gives some warmup techniques, particularly how to loosen up the joints. This is performed to “Tutti Frutti” song by Little Richard. Clearly Mr. Simmons is being metrosexual, i.e. he is so confident in his heterosexuality that he is acting the opposite as a joke. In fact, he says the ladies like this a lot. So add this to your getting laid checklist: Listen to extremely fruity music.

As the tape progresses, Richard Simmons shows you how to take a woman and make her your love slave. He emphasizes this by baking a woman a pie, and then spreading it all over his chest in small circles in a very .. manly fashion. This must stir cravings in all but the most prudish of women.

Towards the end Richard can be seen yelling at a woman on a treadmill. This kind of roleplaying is typical, as he is the dungeon master when it comes to exercise equipment. “You go girlfriend, push it!”, he commands as the woman becomes exhausted from the foreplay. In fact, one rather corpulent woman nearly fainted at the sound of Mr. Simmon’s voice, when he said “ok you’re done sweet-tush.” Clearly, the man has machismo, and testosterone powers that us mere mortals can only dream about..

Until next time..

Portzer #3

We Gettin’ Canned Yo

At one time there was a great deal of speculation concerning AOL layoff rumors. That speculation is no more. It is now clear that all of the Tucson sites will be laid off in the near future (i.e. less than 6 months from now).

It’s an inevitable state of affairs if you look at AOL’s changing business model. They are changing revenue to be advertisement based and not subscription based. To accelerate that, they are giving free service to those who have high speed and do not want tech support. Clearly they are stepping away from a software platform, and embracing one that is web based. Hence no need for techs (us).

To make the possibility even more clear, they admitted to needing to layoff 5,000 people (duh), 3,000 of which will come from Europe. The other 2,000 will likely be us here in Tucson, and whatever callcenters remain (I think Abequerque). It is our belief that India will stay on to be the last techs. Why cut the cheap ones first? (thinking like an idiot bean counter).

So anyway we post here to put any speculation to rest, and plan for the future. Yes we were those guys that walked you through deleting files and reinstalling CD’s. Yes we wrote disgusting articles shortly after talking with you. We were those guys.

We hold little ill-will towards our employer. Much like you would not hold ill-will toward a retarded kid that hits you with a baseball he was playing with. You can’t get mad at him, because he’s retarded. The same holds for our company. I could go into a lengthy diatrabe about corporate stupidity. Let me just say, I have never understood the figure of speech “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”, more clearly than I have in the years I’ve been working at this company. For those about to be canned, we salute you!

The Presidential Massage of Doom

Lets discuss this back massage done on German Chancellor Angela Merkel. First of all, those government people were summoned to do battle with debates and discuss diplomacy, not there for shoulder massages. I mean, he’s doing it all wrong. First, they need to have less clothes on, period. Trying to rub out knotted muscles with a suit on makes it harder to do so, not to mention heat generation and so forth. Sorry if I’m being too technical. Also, they need to use some form of oil to make sure there is a friction while the rubbings take place. If not, then its like trying to play with a dry apple pie, if ya know what I mean. I almost forgot what about a happy ending?? That Chancellor look liked she was saying, “get the hell away from me, you brute” Amid the chaos, I have discovered a more effective way for a memorable massage. My gourmet process for a grande massage is as follows:

1. First, I visit local rest homes and gather all of the residents’ fresh diapers, and stick them in my stolen Dominoes Pizza heat bag, them rush them to my office. I quickly transfer the soft stool into my registered trademark liquid-proof stay fresh swim diapers and place them in the oven for 6 minutes at 100 degrees. I quickly take the diapers out and place them on my client for about 10 minutes.

2. While the bubbling diapers help warm their skin and relax the muscles, I prepare myself. I drink a cup of Bushka brand Chai tea, then make a friendly gesture towards Amen-Ramen, my god. I take off my clothes and begin to fall into a trance. I picture myself slowly falling through giant toilets; it feels like transcending through space and time. This gets me pumped up for the actual massage.

3. I remove the diapers from my client, and begin to spread on “Tres Flores” on their back. I have found this to be extremely useful in acquiring a good amount of friction to rub out the naughty and neglected muscles. It’s so greasy, in fact, they can also put it in their hair and become a John Travolta cliche` “Grease” character.

4. My client has the option of entering our exotic mud baths filled with fluide de merde, which helps open up the pores from such an exhilarating experience. The tubs operate at a lovely 110 degrees, just the right amount to aid in molten French mud. The best thing is, we never clean out the tubs, we simply keep then heated for the next client. The idea is, each individual who basks in the ambience adds to the circle, thus enriching its mystic nutrients for the next individuals to enjoy.

I hope this gave you a better understanding of my masseuse parlor, and what goals we strive to keep for each and every customer.