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Diamond in the rough

Dustin Diamond exuding his martial arts prowess

Well it turns out the dork of 'Saved by the Bell' fame is on hard times.  He needs $250,000 to save his home from foreclosure.  I read in his imdb.com biographical information that he was a black belt in karate.  He also defeated Ron Palillo in a 'Celebrity Boxing' match.  So why does Mr. Diamond not use his karate ways to do the following:

  1. Open a dojo
  2. Karate chop old ladies for their money and cat food
  3. Roundhouse the old ladies' cats in the head and sell their pelts in the black market fur trade
  4. Switch to Ramen noodles (call centers going out of business do)
  5. Fashion clothing out of pototato bags, go live in the wilderness, eat bugs and preach the evils of lending companies
  6. Unleash karate justice upon GIRALDO
  7. Sell shirts on http://www.getdshirts.com/

Ok you don't need karate for all of it but it sure helps you to pursuade people.   Fight on Dustin!

COBRA KAI!!

portzer #2

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Malarky in the Pool

To get slightly off tangent and to break up the mahogany (hehe) of these past events, I would like to share a true story that occurred when I was around 12 years of age:

My family belonged to a private pool i.e. members only community. We would go there often during the hottest months to cool off, have a bar-b-que, relax, and have fun. Well, it just happens that one severely blazing day , my family decided to the community and scorch some chicken, hot dogs, and steak, and have a grand ole time. It just happens to be that a few vagrants I befriended were there with their kindred as well.

I didn’t plan on seeing any of them that day, so I brought a multitude of G.I. Joe and He-Man figures with me in case I got lonely in the pool (boo-hoo) It was going to be a while before any of the food was going to be ready, and it was too hot to leave the comfort of the cooling waters, so we decided to play “dive for the action figures” game. I began to feel my bowels contract; it began to feel as if something wanted to be released, but was partially constricted. As we continued to dive for magical toys such as Cobra Commander, Skeletor, and Beast-Man, the pressure began to increase. Damnit, this always happens when I’m having fun. As always, I didn’t want to break away from the festivities I was being a part of. I thought, I’ll just hold it and go later, and since it was so devastatingly hot outside, I didn’t dare get out of the pool unless I was forced to by someone else.

I’ll try to paint you a picture: In World of Warcraft, the Warlock’s Curse of Agony spell damage is dealt slowly at first, and builds up as the curse reaches its full duration, so was my bowels ready to push a huge gob of solid waste out of my rear end. My friends and fellow listeners let me tell you, it was too late. This huge load of caca was just released in my swim trunks at lightning speed. Luckily, the trunks were loose enough for me to work the waste dump free and distribute its pain upon the world. At the moment, we were in a deeper area of the pool, thank goodness. Well, that chunk sunk as fast as an automobile free falling out of the sky; in no time, that bad boy was on the bottom of the pool.

Unfortunately, my cohorts were still diving for the various figures, I wanted to tell them we were finished here and to move on to a different area of the pool, but at the same time I was extremely embarrassed and didn’t know what action to take to get away from the poop pile that lie in the depths, waiting for a hapless victim. I tried to distract them and lure them over to a shallower part of the pool, telling them I just threw more figures near that area. It began to work; they slowly inched their way towards the shallower area, but one of the poor bastards said he just saw something dark down below and before I could react, he was beneath the surface, on his path to doom.

When he surfaced, in his hand was a broken slab from my poop bomb. The others couldn’t believe their eyes; the poo bearer was even more surprised. The only thing that came from his mouth was, “UGHHHHHH” and he dropped it instantly, and literally launched out of the pool and darted to the bathroom to wash his hands. Me and the others couldn’t stop laughing, it seemed to last for eternity. Luckily, no one knew it was me; I was hysterically laughing inside in a demented sort of way, and no one knew the damned truth but me.

To this day, I still think of this experience and recall it to almost every detail, despite being over 10 years ago. Moral of the story? Hahahah hah ah, there is none!!! If you think I was going to say something like, “be sure to get out of the pool in time and take a bowel movement before its too late” is totally wrong. It’s more like, don’t go diving deep for shit, because you never know how far you have to go until you stumble upon some.

Irqportz 1