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Sun gazing – new hobby for extreme idiots

Today we are going to talk about Sun gazing. This is a rare fad, that is starting to pick up some popularity (unfortunately). Some people do not understand the consequences of staring at the sun with their naked eyes, mostly out of sheer animal-like stupidity. But sometimes because they are willing to discard common sense and follow a few yahoos who say it is a good thing. So I’m going to reiterate the problems with this idea.

If you do a google search for sungazing, you will find dozens of sites proclaiming the usefulness of not only staring into the sun, but doing so for extended periods of time. It is mind boggling how people are perfectly wiling to find new and inventive ways to screw themselves for life. And this phenomenon is no different.

Before I dive into my rant, here is what you can expect as a “sun gazer.”

Here is what the grand canyon looks like, to a sun gazer:

Here is what hot lesbians kissing ,looks like to a sun gazer:

Here is what a beach vacation, looks like to a sun gazer:

As you might have noticed, there is a big black hole in the middle of each image. It’s not a mistake, that’s what life looks like when you’ve damaged your eyes by staring into the sun. It’s very simple science, the back of your eyeball called the “retina”, is responsible for interpreting light. When you stare at the sun, excessive ultraviolet light literally burns the back of your eyeball, until it is no longer sensitive to light. The result is a very large dead spot in your vision. In other words, don’t do it. You must be a dumbass to the 10th power to do something like this.

Now I will go into reasons people might do this. Some idiots stared at the sun, and told other idiots that it made them feel better. Cured their diseases, made them feel “invigorated”, and even increased their sex drive. I don’t know about you, but a big part of my sex drive comes from how people look. You can pretty much kiss that goodbye if you listen to their claims (I hate to sound “mean”, but if it saves someone’s eyesight, I’m willing to be insensitive for a bit).

What’s interesting about these sites, is that they all have disclaimers telling you “not to look into the sun.” This should not surprise you. This means that there is a very real likelihood of them getting sued for someone’s eye damage as a direct result of following their advice. They are telling you to do it, and not to do it at the same time. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit odd?

Let’s talk about sex drive, shall we? If you’re middle aged or above, and find your wang a little droopy there is a reason for this. It’s called nature. At that age you’re not supposed to be having children. You’re supposed to be either taking care of the ones you have, or enjoying retirement. It’s a natural process. Besides, if it was such a huge deal you could get hormone therapy and probably get some relief. I just hate to see people screw themselves over because some idiot gave them bad advice.

A lot of people have problems in their life, and are looking for answers, cures, etc. However adding to your problems by destroying your vision is probably not going to help. I’m not being mean to sun gazers, because in all likelihood they can’t read this.

portzer #3

Nancy Grace upstaged by Dutch reporter named Vries

In an amazing twist of events on the drab, overplayed, and severely unnecessary Holloway coverage – a Dutch reporter pulls off the Super Bowl of stories, and makes Nancy Grace look like the peewee football league in comparison. The reporter set up some kind of sting operation on Van Der Sloot, involving cameras, fake friends, disgusting Dutch food, and a lot of patience. More than a week ago he was telling us that he had new information and would show it to us this Sunday, and he sure delivered.

His evidence and reporting in the case push Nancy grace squarely into irrelevancy on the topic. With Nancy’s appearance today touting Vries’s weeks old information as “breaking news – Holloway dumped at sea”, it’s clear that she exists off of the table scraps of real reporters. Meanwhile, no one knows if the admission on Vries’s tape was true or if it was a fabrication. Mr. Van Der Sloot has lied before, and he could be lying again. Or he could be lying about lying. Or he could be lying about lying about lying. The point is, without a body it’s still not proof of the crime. Though it does leave the guy in the hot seat.

But think about this for a moment – what if the admission was a distraction? What if he really hacked her up psycho style and buried the body, and this whole “she overdosed so I freaked out and dumped her in the ocean” scenario is just a seed planted to divert from the real murder? Who knows? Nancy however does not feel the need to think outside the box on this. Though she may just be happy to have something to report on, after so many agonizing months of repeating the same information.

In her frenzy to jump on last months news bandwagon, she’s overlooking the possibility of Van Der Sloot planting a less incriminating story. Cheers Nancy. Maybe there are some soccer moms out there that think you’ve got the scoop. But we know better.

Portzer#3

Well it’s black Tuesday all over again.

And it’s no surprise. Someone leaked that layoffs would be happening (today) weeks ago. AOL must be scratching their heads going “Who told?” Well we don’t know either. But we find it quite amusing.

Anyway, it should be called Happy Tuesday. Because people will just begin to see how much more life has to offer than a thankless, unrewarding job. A job that is one level above fast food, yet promised so much more.

To other “techs” in pseudo “technical” positions around the country. Think about this: If you have a hard time describing your job on a resume, that’s because your job is a joke. Real positions are well defined and easy to explain. If you have to think (like I did) and start listing out things you do instead of giving the name of a profession; your resume will not benefit from this job. Get out now.

Here’s what you can do:  Go to school.

No matter how much it costs, or how much effort it takes.  If you can afford it do it.  At least get concrete certifications if you can’t make it to college. Though certifications are only as good as how up to date they are. Degrees are forever, keep that in mind. Getting an education is about the only reliable way to prevent yourself from being used as cheap labor. There are an unlimited amount of people out there that can fill a tech job. There aren’t an unlimited amount of them with degrees.

Anyway, I wish all those that were laid off well. I really do. Hopefully all will find more rewarding prospects in the future. It’s been real.

– Irqportzter #3

A most unexpected party…

It’s Portzer #1 here, just stopping by to share my wealth of knowledge from a most recent experience. You see, It just so happens that I got a mystery gift card for my 31st birthday. On this card was written, “the holder of this card is hereby entitled to join us as a magical guest of honor at our new location”. All it contained was an address, no phone number, no venue name, and nothing more, very secretive. Was this some kind of joke?

I used google maps in an attempt to get a better idea of where this place was located, but that section of town seemed to be unclear on the maps, even though it existed. I proceeded to take a bus down there, since my car was tainted from a vagrant who broke in and spent the night. My car smelt of solidified milk that had expired 6 months back. Apparently, I had left a few of my favorite “Cream Pie Honeys” magazines in the back seat, which I’m sure the vagrant immensely loved, so much, in fact that he made a mess all over the dashboard and steering wheel. I hope the smell goes away eventually.

Ok, back to our story. So, I took the bus to this shadowy part of town, which ended at the ‘end of the line’ stop. I was the only one who got off. Let me try to describe to you what this part of town looked like. Imagine Star Jones and Rosie O’ Donnell wrestling over the last Milky Way Lite candy bar on the planet and at the same time imagine two gay sumo wrestlers fighting over a nude snapshot of Yokozuna. This area of town was in shambles!
I began to walk down the street, avoiding the fecal stained sidewalks and dried vomit encrusted buildings. Looks like someone had a gagfest at both ends. From the 4th floor of a particular extra dark brown building, a hand waved out to me with a yellow handkerchief. I called out, “Umm, hello…there?” I waved my gift card in the air for them to see. The hand retracted from the window and after a few moments of unnerving silence, a door on the side opened slowly with a shrill noise. A unique voice beckoned me, “right this way dear”. It sounded like a mix between Michael Jackson and a castrated Bobcat Goldthwait. (try to imagine that). As soon as I stepped in, I gagged as hard as the time when Fergus found out that Dil had a peepi instead….The smell was overpowering, like bleach mixed with moldy cheese and grape juice vomit. I tried to take another step forward, but then blacked out. I’m not sure how long I was out for, but I had the most intense (and unwelcome dreams ever) Countless females would approach me, then slowly undress and to my horror, were men instead. They would pet me like a purring kitty, running their hands down my crotch in wave like motions, and all I could do was watch. It was like this helplessness overcame me, and I could not combat it. I eventually awoke in some kind of back alley way, littered with glitter and pink ribbons, with a bad taste of expired squid in my mouth. I felt a presence, and turned around; 4 men wearing mops on their heads and smeared crimson lipstick were staring at me. One of them spoke to me, “well little one, that was quite a party we had”. I tried to respond but then the pale one quickly cut in, “it’s ok, you don’t owe us anything” He smiled deeply afterwards, and I noticed a bit of dried crust in the corner of his lip. I became severely horrified and ran as fast as I could from that place…..