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Foreign Pastries and the War on Terrorism

Ladies and Gentlemen….

The world is now safe. My mother was not allowed to bring her empanadas on board her flight home. For the uninitiated and the un-Mexican, empanadas are pastries which have a semi-circular dough like exterior and a filling that is the consistency of pumpkin pie filling. (and yes there are a few more cultures which have empanadas).

Well my mother called the airline for advice as to whether she could board with an empanada and they denied her due to it having a filling.  Wow…

If this is what America is coming to I do not like it.  I love this country but for the love of Pete, no empanadas.  Although there are the many terrorists that will MacGyver a pastry to bring the crew of a plane to their knees.  And God help us all if they had a Smuckers Uncrustable.

But if I were a terrorist I think I could smuggle in the necessary items without much hassle.  I would disguise myself as a female kindergarten teacher.  The large beaded necklace could be made out of C4 and the wire to attach to the power source would be in said necklace.  I would then power it with a toilet paper roll wrapped with the necklace wire and then have the energy go into a capacitor which I would get from my “earrings”.  Then I would eat paste and animal crackers while reflecting on my evil genius.

Things to be banned after the release of this article…

  • Large-bead necklaces (good because they are freaky anyways)
  • Toilet paper rolls
  • Earrings
  • Paste (bad because I need a tasty treat… well it is already banned I guess… well maybe not in gluestick form…)

Portzer #2

What our Readers Want IV

Well, it has been a while since we posted.  All of us have been busy with impending doom and what not so we thought we would throw something out there.  A little thank you of sorts for still coming to the site.  So without further ado, what our readers want….

male diapers

This one seemed to be a big hitter today.  I have no idea why you would click that link… Maybe our site has something to say about the world that appeal people who need to wear male diapers.  We aren’t ragging on you, only curious to know what destiny is in store for those with weak bladders and a penchant for this style of news.  We SALUTE YOU!

missile popeil

Well… Um… I think this comes from some peeps on a Jihad.  You come to America not knowing how to get hooked up but are awake at 4 a.m. learning about the Showtime Rotisserie.  Then ::light bulb turns on:: this dude is as amped as we are, maybe he has a missle or two to sell.  Hell I’ll take two Ronco Missiles and a Pocket Fisherman.

creepy toilet

Yes, I have seen many a creepy toilet.  I especially find ones with dim lighting and the automatic flushers to be hecka scary.  You move one millimeter while enthroned upon those bad boys and it is a European experience of a cool wet splash to the buttocks. So creepy…

skin and crack addicts – crack+addiction+skin

Since these were similar I decided to group them.  Portzer #1 had a run in at a crack house before.  He thought he was there to pick up landscaping materials when his friend told him to go down and pick up some rocks.  Of course it was too late when he arrived at the front door and “Twitchy” Willy came to the door saying something about Mac and Cheese and the end of the world.  So here is the part you came for.  Willy was ashy as a naga baba fighting a forrest fire.  The experience wasn’t so bad because Portzer #1 met a new friend and was able to sell some of his skin care products.  Willy is no longer ashy or “Twitchy” due to crack.

pee site hack

I always have to add at least on of these.  You sick, sick monkeys.  No further comment required.

fluke call center

Well either we are talking about the worm or the fish and I don’t know of a call center for either.  Unless maybe it is one of those care hotlines where you can call them up and say you have a worm invading your liver.  Not funny or anything, just weird…

Peace, I’m out britches…

Portzer #2

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

Bill Gates and the Oompa Loompa Empire…

Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!

Well it appears that Mr. Gates is going to step down from running day to day operations at Microsoft.  I guess it will be really nice to chill at home and sip a 40.  I mean come on, the dude is more powerful than Oprah.  I guess he is going to retire so that he can protect the secret treasure that our forefathers had hidden for hundreds of years.  Or he can hopefully go through a mid-life crisis, buy a Jag, get a Clay Aiken haircut, two monkeys that do Aikido and eat broccoli, and learn a new sense of fashion from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (that's right oversized rose colored glasses, big wooden beads and a shirt that will show off his non-existent chest).  I say hopefully because he looks like the character Dana Carvey played to get into the Turtle club.  What makes it even further amusing is if you imagine Gates running in slow motion with his lips out and his head hunched over while Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" plays in the background.  'Im a coWboy, on a steel horse IIII riiIIIIiide!!! IIIII'mMm WANTED DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!'

Well, I think we portzers (not portzer #1) will be ruling the world soon.  Through ninjitsu, |_33+ [0d||\|G, and our savvy business sense.  While I think portzer #1 will be left homeless having lost all of his money running a poop site with Mr. Greenstein.  Although, by our search and tag hits, it looks like the poo is popular.

Well good luck and have fun Bill.

Ride on cowboy… ride on…

portzer #2

Techie Fight Club

Ok, now this borders on the ridiculous.  Tech guys with ivy league degrees use household items such as frying pans and tennis rackets.  Now as I told you in an earlier posting I used to street brawl for money.  I would be able to lay the smack down no problem.  But what about little Kenny Johsnon who has been playing a little too much Tekken 5 and downed a can of Red Bull.  He’ll be so cracked out of his mind that he may just go to Beatdown ’06.  But the sad thing is he’s only able to do 3 push ups and 5 situps before exhaustion hits.  So when Sanjay Gupta comes at him with 10 pounds of curry justice there will be no doubt he’s gonna have an aneurysm.  Not to mention Nguyen rumbling in with his instant Kancho death touch and Crazy 5 Masters Peanut Pull.

 All I’m saying is that some people are gonna get hurt and I can’t see why these guys would do it.  They should do something more constructive with their time like expand and refurnish their basement.  Because there is no doubt these fools are living beneath the floorboards of Ma and Pa’s house even though they make bank or they wouldn’t be doing this…

I mean look at that picture.  Looks like two mentally handicapped atheletes down at the local elementary school polishing their Muay Thai skills for the Special Olympics.

 WOof!!

The Matrix Online – Why it failed

The Matrix Online was supposed to be one of the best MMORPG's on the market when it was introduced. The premise was simple, become Neo, be the "one", and win the internet. The trouble is, what do you do with 10,000 players who all want to win the internet?

How can you placate them? "Look Johnny, I understand your desire to win the internets, but you must realize that Susie, George, Bob, and Stinklebean over here also want to win the internet." How do you tell 10,000 would be heroes that there are 9,999 other would-be heroes?

Answer: You can't. It would crush the egos of the pasty, sickly pale kids who survive for years without social interaction; their only reason for living being some pending video game accomplishment. You simply can't take that away from them. Just as in the matrix, if the mind dies, the body dies.

There are other problems noted with the game in addition to the above. The characters on the screen had chronic "muppet mouth." In other words, they probably could have done better animation with several cans of tuna and a tube sock. This was highly unrealistic and non-immersive. And frankly, it kinda creeped me out.

Here is an artist's rendition of what playing Matrix online was like: Artist's rendition

I think I've had more fun throwing zip lock bags of rancid greenbeans at oncoming traffic. Fortunately this is no longer our problem. Time Warner sold the rights for Matrix Online to Sony Online Entertainment on June 17, 2005. Now that this tur.. er.. torch has been passed on, other avenues of gaming can be explored.

Note: The Matrix Online, Time Warner, and Sony Online Entertainment are registered trademarks of their respective holders.

Coding Forums

While searching for coding forums on the web using the invulnerable Firefox browser 1.5.0.2, I came across this site instead:  Chuck Norris Jeans

It got me so excited that I nearly forgot the task at hand; coding.
These pants look so cool that I ordered a pair. In fact, I ordered two pairs, one for myself and one for my cousin Frank, who is a black belt in Mu Tai.

I’m no slouch myself, I used to street fight growing up and would get money pots from winning. I was in pretty good shape, I even had a six-pack, something that is hard to obtain now as a programmer. Anyway, it helped my family pay the bills so they were ok with it. But now my interest is more on computers and their applications.

Back to my search for coding, I came across many sites that claimed Tom Cruise wanted to chow down on his wives newly expired placenta. I began to think what exactly was in the placenta and its role in pregnancy and childbirth. The more I thought about it, the more ill I became. In fact, I had to UNPL because the thought of Tom Cruise eating a placenta rendered me hopelessly disgusted. I nearly gagged at my member. The member’s cries of “Hello? Hello?” were met with a faint weezing sound I was making. In any case that’s a story for another time.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah programming. There are lots of programming forums I want to look into. I will be reviewing them and we will later compare them for our purposes