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Mary J. Blige, and why you should not get plastic surgery

I remember listening to Mary J. Blige when I was in highschool, and thinking she was hot on her music videos. This would still be the case, some 12 years later. However, for some reason, MJB has apparently undergone some plastic surgery (like many women in the public eye do) and wasted what I felt were good looks.

Older women can be beautiful. I can think of several examples, like say Vanessa Williams. That woman could be 50 and I would still find her hot. The reason? She ages gracefully, and it looks natural.  My advice is to stop while you still can.  Plastic surgery eventually leads to looking like Michael Jackson, he is living proof why it is bad.  If anyone gets enough of it, they will look like he does, as well.

Plastic surgery kills, good looks.
portzer #3

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

We Gettin’ Canned Yo

At one time there was a great deal of speculation concerning AOL layoff rumors. That speculation is no more. It is now clear that all of the Tucson sites will be laid off in the near future (i.e. less than 6 months from now).

It’s an inevitable state of affairs if you look at AOL’s changing business model. They are changing revenue to be advertisement based and not subscription based. To accelerate that, they are giving free service to those who have high speed and do not want tech support. Clearly they are stepping away from a software platform, and embracing one that is web based. Hence no need for techs (us).

To make the possibility even more clear, they admitted to needing to layoff 5,000 people (duh), 3,000 of which will come from Europe. The other 2,000 will likely be us here in Tucson, and whatever callcenters remain (I think Abequerque). It is our belief that India will stay on to be the last techs. Why cut the cheap ones first? (thinking like an idiot bean counter).

So anyway we post here to put any speculation to rest, and plan for the future. Yes we were those guys that walked you through deleting files and reinstalling CD’s. Yes we wrote disgusting articles shortly after talking with you. We were those guys.

We hold little ill-will towards our employer. Much like you would not hold ill-will toward a retarded kid that hits you with a baseball he was playing with. You can’t get mad at him, because he’s retarded. The same holds for our company. I could go into a lengthy diatrabe about corporate stupidity. Let me just say, I have never understood the figure of speech “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”, more clearly than I have in the years I’ve been working at this company. For those about to be canned, we salute you!

Showtime Celebrity Love Rotisserie

hit it and forget it 

Looks like Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are splitting up.  Friends close to the couple say it isn’t true.  But you know what JT.  Dump her!  I actually spotted Diaz and Timberlake while on my honeymoon in Maui.  At Cheeseburgers in Paradise (yummy burgers and color changing collectors cups!).  She denied my wife a picture : (.  But I would have done the same if I had not spackled on concealer just 10 minutes previous to the photo.  Her skin is all freckly-like and she must have been in the ocean because her eyes were bloodshot.  But hey, we would have taken an autograph.  I should have snapped the photo anyways, ran out yelling “Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake in Cheeseburgers in Paradise.  She’s putting cheese on her head and snorting french fry seasoning”.

So now to who Timberlake is supposedly dating.  Mr. Ronco’s daughter, Lauren Popeil.  She is the heiress to the Ron Popeil Rotisserie cookin’, egg scramblin, pocket fishin’ fortune.  Which I’m sure dwarf’s Timberlake’s singing and acting career earnings combined.  Never deny the purchasing power of trailer people.  I must admit I have a little trailer person in me too, I like that rotisserie “Set it and Forget it!”.

So go for it Timberlake… For the trailer park person in all of us…

Portzer #2