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Cell phone rage

Naomi Campbell

Naomi Campbell – taking lessons from Ike Turner, is beating the crap out of her subordinates.  It is not clear what have driven her to violence, but a combination of getting older, a face that looks like it is covered in parafin wax, and crack cocaine are likely culprits.

In 2003, Naomi threw a cell phone at her victim, an assistant, while throwing a temper tantrum.  It became clear that Naomi loves using phones as weapons.  In 2006 she upped the anti by apparently wielding a cell phone and dropping bombs on her replacement assistant’s dome. This latest assistant needed four stitches to the cranium after they cleaned her up.

What causes cell phone rage?  As mentioned Naomi has had a lot of plastic surgery.  Her face looks like it has been preserved by aliens, with a 1,000 year shelf life.  Most people just get old, Naomi gets even, with her face.  Now this kind of mentality can lead to random violence, like when she looks in the mirror and notices what looks like a piece of cellophane peeling off of her cheek.  That type of occurence does not promote inner peace.

What’s next for Naomi?  I would recommend a dual-wield setup with a Motorola in the main hand and a Kyocera in the weak hand for maximum damage.  Motorola’s are heavier and have more stopping power.  While Kyocera’s allow for light and quick attacks that send the target fleeing in terror.  As for durability of the phones, that is not certain as it was not their design to be wielded as a weapon.

There are pioneers for everything, for Naomi campbell, her claim to fame will be cell phone rage.

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Interview madness

The Circle Jerk.

In blogging, there is a term known as “The Circle Jerk”, today IRQportz tackles this controversial topic. No, this article isn’t about something derogatory. It is about the process in which bloggers who have fallen on rough times tend to interview each other in order to have something to talk about. This may seem somewhat ridiculous and you might think “what’s the point?” But, there is none. The circle jerk is a means of deriving blog content from meaningless banter with other bloggers of equal unimportance.

For example, several “techie” blogs will interview each other, and then post that interview on all three blogs, thereby each saving themselves the effort of writing an actual article. Additionally, it is hoped by interviewing each other they will obtain a sense of status in the tech community. However, most people with an IQ above 50 can see through this not-so clever ruse.

In honor of this great blogging tradition, IRQportz is going to take this one step further. Instead of bribing another blogger into interviewing us, or performing “blogual favors” for other blogs, we are going to interview ourselves! This is especially cheesy, and it is our hope that this surpasses the cheesiness of the blogs that circle jerk each other.

Today, IRQportzer #3 will be interviewing the the controversial yet informative, portzer #1. (Please stay tuned for the followup interview by portzer#2 as well).

The interview will now commense:

Irqportz#3: How long have you been working for AOL?

Irqportz#1: Hmm, let me think about that one. Amid the chaos and toil that’s been going on lately, I’ll have to jog my memory for a bit to recall this important detail. By the way, the last time I jogged, I ended up pulling my groin muscle while doing so. It was very painful and I had to seek medical attention. I don’t want to explain the personal problem in detail, but just imagine a cherry tomato being stuck in a visegrip and being pressed all the way. Oh, yeah, back to that question you asked me, sorry. I have been with AOL since March of 2004.

Irqportz#3: What was your child hood like?

Irqportz#1: Thats a most excellent question, my friend! Well, growing up, my family didn’t have much money. My father worked in a blast furnace, and brought home coal so that we could barbecue expired meat that my mother would bring home from second hand grocery stores.

(Irqportz#3: I see..)

Irqportz#1: Since the local newspaper fired me for delivering soiled newspapers, (yeah, sometimes we didn’t have any money to buy Charmin, so I would bring home some papers early in the morning so everyone could wipe the sludge from their behinds, then I would attempt to deliver these to customers I detested) so I found a job as a street fighter.

(Irqportz#3: That’s intense..)

Irqportz#1: I studied under the warrior-ship of Caonima Peoshi, a legend in those times. He taught me devastating moves such as: Ha-Poo-Ken, a close quarter move where I would blow freeze dried feces in an opponents eyes, disabling them for the entirety of the match, but sometimes it entered their mouth by accident. I was also taught the powerful Camel Tso (pronounced “toe” ) which would cripple my opponents by having them gaze at my ghastly crotch maneuver. The effects would last for days, even weeks, and those who already witnessed its power would automatically forfeit to me, allowing me to win. I eventually gained a six pack and attained the title of grand champion.

Irqportz#3: Well, that certainly answered that question. Probably too much info if you ask me.. In any case, back to the questions.

If you had to make a choice, which would you choose: Playtex gentle-glide or Tampax medium? (Please note that portzer#1 is male and this is merely an abstract question)

Irqportz#1: I find it funny that you should ask this question. Well, luckily, I have had experience with this arcane device. One time, I decided to drink an entire bottle of Stalin brand Vodka, which got me so intoxicated, I was able to communicate with street signs.

(Irqportz#3: I’m worried already..)

Irqportz#1: Well, the next day, I experienced severe “runny buttocks” syndrome, as well as a fever, headache, dystopia, and crotch rot, and still being at about 75% blood alcohol content, I decided to visit a drug store, in search of a rectal thermometer. I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up wandering into the feminine products section. Maybe it was the dazzling colors of the items that tantalized me, who knows.

Irqportz#1: In all the confusion and not to mention blurred vision, I ended up opening a box of Play-Tex gentle-glide, took my pants and underwear off, and began to put one in my behind, not knowing they were not meant for measuring temperature.

(Irportz#3: I’m speechless..)

Irqportz#1: Well, a sales associate saw me and instantly freaked, it looked like someone had just cast an unbreakable fear on them for 20 seconds; they began to run around the store uncontrollably with their hands above their head. While the employee that made first contact was busy vomiting in the store’s water fountain, another employee grabbed a phone and called the police.

Irqportz#1: I’m not sure how much later it was but when the cops appeared, they acted like they didn’t see me and tried to leave the store (the Play-Tex gentle-glide was still halfway in)

(Irqportz#3: That I did not need to know..)

Irqportz#1: The employee who was yakking earlier pointed to me and said, “where the *#$% are you going?? Thats the guy!! Take him away, HE’S RIGHT HERE!!” Well, I’m not sure what happened next, I sort of blacked out while I felt my body being lifted. While in the backseat of the squad car I was fading in and out between levels of consciousness then all of a sudden I felt a river of “molten brown lava” flow underneath me and all over the seat. Later on in court, I lucked out and ended up getting off the hook with no criminal record charges, the judge felt sorry for me and just made me pay the bill for having the backseat of that squad car cleaned out.

Irqportz#3: I don’t think there is a word that could adequately describe that situation. But we must move on.

How would you rate AOL’s likelihood to exist in 10 years?

Irqportz#1: ROFLMFAO!!!!!

Irqportz#3: It’s a serious question.

Irqportz#1: Ha, thats like asking if Brian Peppers will ever look normal and become the next Mother Theresa. ‘Nuff said.

Irqportz#3: Thanks for the comments. If there was a virtual reality feature that could enable you to reach through the phone line while taking calls, would you take advantage of it?

Irqportz#1: Oh hell yes! Why must you tease me with luxuries I will never own??!! I have been thinking about this concept for many moons. With all these devious thoughts in mind, what would the limit be? How long could we sabotage their residence before our light use plan runs out and summons us back on the other end of the phone? There are many vile things I would do to hi-jack someone living quarters and the owner themselves, but I stand tall and dare not mention that, for fear of the agents stumbling onto my plans and silencing me.

Irqportz#3: Agents? .. well, no matter. Last question:

Does anyone really eat fish tacos?

Irqportz#1: For Ariel, the Little Mermaid, anything goes, hehehe.

Irqportz#3: This concludes the interview, I want to thank Irqportz#1 from taking time out of his busy day to respond to our questions.

There you have it folks, please stay tuned for the second part in our two part series: Irqportz#1 gets interviewed by Irqportz#2.

Diamond in the rough

Dustin Diamond exuding his martial arts prowess

Well it turns out the dork of 'Saved by the Bell' fame is on hard times.  He needs $250,000 to save his home from foreclosure.  I read in his imdb.com biographical information that he was a black belt in karate.  He also defeated Ron Palillo in a 'Celebrity Boxing' match.  So why does Mr. Diamond not use his karate ways to do the following:

  1. Open a dojo
  2. Karate chop old ladies for their money and cat food
  3. Roundhouse the old ladies' cats in the head and sell their pelts in the black market fur trade
  4. Switch to Ramen noodles (call centers going out of business do)
  5. Fashion clothing out of pototato bags, go live in the wilderness, eat bugs and preach the evils of lending companies
  6. Unleash karate justice upon GIRALDO
  7. Sell shirts on http://www.getdshirts.com/

Ok you don't need karate for all of it but it sure helps you to pursuade people.   Fight on Dustin!

COBRA KAI!!

portzer #2