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America’s Got Retardeder

Holy crap, it has been too many months since I last posted.  So today I decide to give you something profound and life changing.   Peanut fed gerbils in cryostasis.  Ok, maybe not that but…

Has anyone seen America’s Got Talent this season?  The Hoff loves everyone.  I guess they let him have a little drinky drinky so he can rival the drug induced hyper go lucky commenting of Paula Abdul.  Soon the Hoff will be swaggering onstage with nothing but a leather jacket and speedo trying to monkey hump contestents into submission.  Those who are able to repel the banana hammock offensive will move on to compete for a million dollars and treatment from the Shriner’s Hospital for chest hair burns to the thighs and backs due to repeated dry hoff humpings.

The show has degraded, which is a feat in itself, into an Arsenio Hall/Springer/Gong Show Hybrid.  I’m expecting Jerry Springer to get a spray on tan and have his index fingers surgically lengthened.  I mean what the hell has happened to the audience?  I believe before the tapings they screen people to find those with the lowest IQ give them some bad acid and have a trained circus monkey give them cue’s on what to do.  I mean a male britanny spears impersonator has made it through on a chance to obtain the final prize.  Bad thing is that he’ll go far because that monkey loves him some tranny strippers in tight fitting pvc outfits.

Richard Simmons releases controversial sex tape

Yes, it has been a while as portzer #2 points out. So it’s time to get back to business. Today Richard Simmons released a controversial sex tape that is working its way through the adult market. In the tape, aptly named “How to do it like a man”, Richard Simmons vows to demonstrate how to be the Alpha male that women all secretly crave in the cave dwelling portion of their brain.

To start, Richard Simmons gives some warmup techniques, particularly how to loosen up the joints. This is performed to “Tutti Frutti” song by Little Richard. Clearly Mr. Simmons is being metrosexual, i.e. he is so confident in his heterosexuality that he is acting the opposite as a joke. In fact, he says the ladies like this a lot. So add this to your getting laid checklist: Listen to extremely fruity music.

As the tape progresses, Richard Simmons shows you how to take a woman and make her your love slave. He emphasizes this by baking a woman a pie, and then spreading it all over his chest in small circles in a very .. manly fashion. This must stir cravings in all but the most prudish of women.

Towards the end Richard can be seen yelling at a woman on a treadmill. This kind of roleplaying is typical, as he is the dungeon master when it comes to exercise equipment. “You go girlfriend, push it!”, he commands as the woman becomes exhausted from the foreplay. In fact, one rather corpulent woman nearly fainted at the sound of Mr. Simmon’s voice, when he said “ok you’re done sweet-tush.” Clearly, the man has machismo, and testosterone powers that us mere mortals can only dream about..

Until next time..

Portzer #3

“Dr. Airportlove or how I learned to scare with the toothpaste bomb…”

oils and lubes

So it appears another terrorist plot was averted. Airports have been slowed to a crawl due to the most recent threat. The plot was believed to be near execution and was believed to target flights headed towards New York, Washington, and California.

The suspects were planning to make a bomb out of liquids and gels in harmless appearing containers. All liquids, gels and some portable media devices are being banned from boarding the planes. This leaves thousands of Londoners without their rave music, glowsticks and X. Not to mention little Bobby’s cheese whiz. No huffing for you. Only essential medications and baby food are being allowed on board.

Can’t anyone see!! It’s the babies damn it, they are the terrorist. Who knows what kind of backwash they hid in their mother’s bossoms (a backup plan if their food was not let aboard). Not to mention the diapers (AKA dirty bombs).

I know this is possible. I’ve seen Baby Geniuses 1 & 2. I have watched it over and over, studying their ways and analyzing their behaviors.

Beware the MacGyver babies… BEWARE!!

Portzer #2

P.S.

Soon I see us all flying around in planes more barren than NASA’s KC-135 while in the nude. How do you vision the big lady sitting next to you now…?

p.s. p.s.

…that would be a big ol’ saggy booby on yo leg

The Buy Will Ferrell Pants Fund

I like Will Ferrell, I think he is funny but… for the love of Pete, keep the pants on. I don’t need to see him in thongs, speedos or in anymore of that Conan O’Brien leprechaun debauchery. His naughty bits packed into the smallest area possible is not my idea of comedy.

So now I call to you people.  To join me in curbing this lewd behavior.  Will Ferrel’s scrunched package in dirty chonies is not funny!

Lets all raise money so children, grandmothers and men around the world do not see such tainted visions again.  His crotch will haunt your dreams.

Here is what I propose….

  1. Raise awareness through our banner campaign
  2. Raise money
  3. Hire engineers and fashion designers
  4. Fabricate a pair of baggy pants that cannot be removed

So please add the following banner to your page and lets get the man some pants to wear

P L E A S E   H E L P

Copy the following code to add to your site

Portzer #2…

What our Readers Want III

This is the ongoing post that answers the question, “What do our readers want and how can we help them to find it?” This information is taken directly from phrases of what people use to search our site.

Male crotch pics

Dirty dirty people….

muay + thai + money

You came to the right place my friends.  As you know two of us have fought for money growing up.  In fact that is how portzer #1 and I met.  On the mean streets of Philly at the age of 18 with machetes in hand.  Of course the machetes were for show but by golly it was showmanship at its best.

control by diapers

What type of control are you looking for?  Mind control is out of the question but you can control many things with a diaper.  In fact I could think of controlling the movements of the human body, other than bowel and bladder.  I’m talking about doing that straight up Jackie Chan style.

What to do for an animal with no bladder

I say you tie little Timmy’s marmoset to the tree and beat it with a shovel. HAHA… I kid, but seriously, WTH are you talking about?  You hook that bad boy up to a fur friendly colostomy bag and you love that animal to pieces.

maximum loads male enhancer pills

Now loaded male enhancer pills are a dangerous thing.  If you are looking at putting in a silver bullet and cocking back the hammer you are playing with fire my friend… with fire… ::dramatic hand gestures::

fergie stain

Yes the dirty hoo hoo dilly of Fergie is legendary throughout the land

aol layoff rumors

Yeah… we know… : \ 

picters of swiming pools

Well by cracky we got picters of grampa simmons floatin’ a poo boat in the pool.  Actually the pool is our cattle pond…

ROSIE O’DONNELL HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE

I repeat: “Dirty, dirty people”

getting ticks off of you

We know your secret… Although I heard you can burn them off with a lighter… I don’t know, I just heard that somewhere ::scratches leg and gets out lighter::

Portzer #2

Rush Limbaugh and the Dominican Smurf Snatcher

Rush Limbaugh returned from the Dominican Republic but was detained by customs agents.  Apparently he had a bottle of viagra not prescribed to him but to his doctor for “anonymity”. 

Sure buddy.  We all know you were going down south for cheap dirty loving and the only thing you could do to facilitate it was to swipe pills from your doctor.  Rush is only in the name and not in the genetaliation which directly results in flacidulation.  (Ok, not words but strangely it has meaning).

Why people still listen to this man confounds me.  I am a conservative person believe it or not but to listen to someone who is popping pain killers, viagra, and hostess twinkies like they are milk duds is not really someone I look to for advice.

Eh, I was bored…

Portzer #2