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The Buy Will Ferrell Pants Fund

I like Will Ferrell, I think he is funny but… for the love of Pete, keep the pants on. I don’t need to see him in thongs, speedos or in anymore of that Conan O’Brien leprechaun debauchery. His naughty bits packed into the smallest area possible is not my idea of comedy.

So now I call to you people.  To join me in curbing this lewd behavior.  Will Ferrel’s scrunched package in dirty chonies is not funny!

Lets all raise money so children, grandmothers and men around the world do not see such tainted visions again.  His crotch will haunt your dreams.

Here is what I propose….

  1. Raise awareness through our banner campaign
  2. Raise money
  3. Hire engineers and fashion designers
  4. Fabricate a pair of baggy pants that cannot be removed

So please add the following banner to your page and lets get the man some pants to wear

P L E A S E   H E L P

Copy the following code to add to your site

Portzer #2…

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

America Activates its Missile Defense System

Kim Jong Il has pushed his country forward to testing their nuclear arsenal.  A long range Taepodong-2 missile was placed on a launch pad.  The U.S. believes it is not fueled yet and they are aiming for the middle of the ocean. 

So we decided to put up our missile defense system which costs billions.  Although tests have shown it not to be highly effective yet.  We probably would have done better to have created a system which launches flaming cans of Alpo for a few bucks. 

Well… short post I guess. I guess I could add some nonesense like, “We should go to Ping Pong and take out Kim Jong and his missle dong”.  Ok, got that out and now back to fashioning my foil hat.

Bill Gates and the Oompa Loompa Empire…

Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!

Well it appears that Mr. Gates is going to step down from running day to day operations at Microsoft.  I guess it will be really nice to chill at home and sip a 40.  I mean come on, the dude is more powerful than Oprah.  I guess he is going to retire so that he can protect the secret treasure that our forefathers had hidden for hundreds of years.  Or he can hopefully go through a mid-life crisis, buy a Jag, get a Clay Aiken haircut, two monkeys that do Aikido and eat broccoli, and learn a new sense of fashion from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (that's right oversized rose colored glasses, big wooden beads and a shirt that will show off his non-existent chest).  I say hopefully because he looks like the character Dana Carvey played to get into the Turtle club.  What makes it even further amusing is if you imagine Gates running in slow motion with his lips out and his head hunched over while Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" plays in the background.  'Im a coWboy, on a steel horse IIII riiIIIIiide!!! IIIII'mMm WANTED DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!'

Well, I think we portzers (not portzer #1) will be ruling the world soon.  Through ninjitsu, |_33+ [0d||\|G, and our savvy business sense.  While I think portzer #1 will be left homeless having lost all of his money running a poop site with Mr. Greenstein.  Although, by our search and tag hits, it looks like the poo is popular.

Well good luck and have fun Bill.

Ride on cowboy… ride on…

portzer #2

What our readers want

We know what our readers want. That’s right, and it’s not because we’re geniuses, or psychic, or even clairvoyantly inclined. We know what they want, because we have the search results at wordpress. WordPress tells us what people search for to reach our site. The items that have been recurring will be discussed. Some of them are disturbing, those with small children, may want to cover their eyes during this discussion.

In no particular order, recent search terms that bring people to Irqportz and our commentary on them.

crotch rot
– You sick little monkey, that is all I have to say.

Fergie peeing
– Yep, she did indeed pee and we have pictures that prove it.

dirty celebs
– We are all about the celeb bashing, dirty or clean. We get it done.

water diaper dare
– What in the world? Ok that’s just sick. If you’re wearing diapers, you better not get in a pool within 100 miles of me. I do not feel even remotely sanitary knowing that your overflowing diapers could be contaminating the water I frolic in. I like to spray water with my mouth like a whale does, think about it. If you’re wearing a diaper you don’t belong in the same water as me, simple as that. I don’t care how water proof they make it, or if they “dared” you.

fergie crotch
– Yes, her crotch is indirectly covered. What can I say? We deliver on controversial topics.

portz video
– We don’t have a video yet, but if we did it would probably feature Elton John throwing monkeys at feces.

call centre establishment in india
– Well in the states we call them “call centers”, but that aside, I’m sure you’ll see this kind of discussion spring up from time to time. BTW, learn 2 spellcheck, newb.

swiming
– You know, if you spelled swimming correctly, you probably would not have reached our site.

techniques on how to do a ninja flip
– I think this guy proved that doing ninja flips is a really bad idea (afro ninja). If you have to ask how to do this, you should not be attempting it.

Techie Fight Club

Ok, now this borders on the ridiculous.  Tech guys with ivy league degrees use household items such as frying pans and tennis rackets.  Now as I told you in an earlier posting I used to street brawl for money.  I would be able to lay the smack down no problem.  But what about little Kenny Johsnon who has been playing a little too much Tekken 5 and downed a can of Red Bull.  He’ll be so cracked out of his mind that he may just go to Beatdown ’06.  But the sad thing is he’s only able to do 3 push ups and 5 situps before exhaustion hits.  So when Sanjay Gupta comes at him with 10 pounds of curry justice there will be no doubt he’s gonna have an aneurysm.  Not to mention Nguyen rumbling in with his instant Kancho death touch and Crazy 5 Masters Peanut Pull.

 All I’m saying is that some people are gonna get hurt and I can’t see why these guys would do it.  They should do something more constructive with their time like expand and refurnish their basement.  Because there is no doubt these fools are living beneath the floorboards of Ma and Pa’s house even though they make bank or they wouldn’t be doing this…

I mean look at that picture.  Looks like two mentally handicapped atheletes down at the local elementary school polishing their Muay Thai skills for the Special Olympics.

 WOof!!

Boxley

What is boxley? Well according to wikipedia, boxley is a small town in England (source). If you want to argue that fact, I'm game. Until you can prove otherwise, boxley is a town. Oh, it's a programming interface or something you say? I see, well in that case let me do some web searches for it.

Oki doki, here I did a websearch for Boxley programmer and this is what came up:

Frankly, I'm disgusted by this image. This Boxley programmer got really smacked out on Animal tranquilizers and PCP, and self-urinated in public, whilst wearing what looks like a sleeping bag or a skirt to cover his lower region. I think this is unacceptable for any programmer, and it tends to give us a bad name.

Here at IRQportz I can assure you that none of us will get zonked out on veterinary supplies and "hit the rave" with a sleeping bag and a full bladder.

We've addressed adult bladder control issues once before on our site, I would hope by now we would not have to address it again. People please, if you are not less than 5 years old, peeing yourself like that is simply unacceptable.