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America’s Got Retardeder

Holy crap, it has been too many months since I last posted.  So today I decide to give you something profound and life changing.   Peanut fed gerbils in cryostasis.  Ok, maybe not that but…

Has anyone seen America’s Got Talent this season?  The Hoff loves everyone.  I guess they let him have a little drinky drinky so he can rival the drug induced hyper go lucky commenting of Paula Abdul.  Soon the Hoff will be swaggering onstage with nothing but a leather jacket and speedo trying to monkey hump contestents into submission.  Those who are able to repel the banana hammock offensive will move on to compete for a million dollars and treatment from the Shriner’s Hospital for chest hair burns to the thighs and backs due to repeated dry hoff humpings.

The show has degraded, which is a feat in itself, into an Arsenio Hall/Springer/Gong Show Hybrid.  I’m expecting Jerry Springer to get a spray on tan and have his index fingers surgically lengthened.  I mean what the hell has happened to the audience?  I believe before the tapings they screen people to find those with the lowest IQ give them some bad acid and have a trained circus monkey give them cue’s on what to do.  I mean a male britanny spears impersonator has made it through on a chance to obtain the final prize.  Bad thing is that he’ll go far because that monkey loves him some tranny strippers in tight fitting pvc outfits.

Sun gazing – new hobby for extreme idiots

Today we are going to talk about Sun gazing. This is a rare fad, that is starting to pick up some popularity (unfortunately). Some people do not understand the consequences of staring at the sun with their naked eyes, mostly out of sheer animal-like stupidity. But sometimes because they are willing to discard common sense and follow a few yahoos who say it is a good thing. So I’m going to reiterate the problems with this idea.

If you do a google search for sungazing, you will find dozens of sites proclaiming the usefulness of not only staring into the sun, but doing so for extended periods of time. It is mind boggling how people are perfectly wiling to find new and inventive ways to screw themselves for life. And this phenomenon is no different.

Before I dive into my rant, here is what you can expect as a “sun gazer.”

Here is what the grand canyon looks like, to a sun gazer:

Here is what hot lesbians kissing ,looks like to a sun gazer:

Here is what a beach vacation, looks like to a sun gazer:

As you might have noticed, there is a big black hole in the middle of each image. It’s not a mistake, that’s what life looks like when you’ve damaged your eyes by staring into the sun. It’s very simple science, the back of your eyeball called the “retina”, is responsible for interpreting light. When you stare at the sun, excessive ultraviolet light literally burns the back of your eyeball, until it is no longer sensitive to light. The result is a very large dead spot in your vision. In other words, don’t do it. You must be a dumbass to the 10th power to do something like this.

Now I will go into reasons people might do this. Some idiots stared at the sun, and told other idiots that it made them feel better. Cured their diseases, made them feel “invigorated”, and even increased their sex drive. I don’t know about you, but a big part of my sex drive comes from how people look. You can pretty much kiss that goodbye if you listen to their claims (I hate to sound “mean”, but if it saves someone’s eyesight, I’m willing to be insensitive for a bit).

What’s interesting about these sites, is that they all have disclaimers telling you “not to look into the sun.” This should not surprise you. This means that there is a very real likelihood of them getting sued for someone’s eye damage as a direct result of following their advice. They are telling you to do it, and not to do it at the same time. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit odd?

Let’s talk about sex drive, shall we? If you’re middle aged or above, and find your wang a little droopy there is a reason for this. It’s called nature. At that age you’re not supposed to be having children. You’re supposed to be either taking care of the ones you have, or enjoying retirement. It’s a natural process. Besides, if it was such a huge deal you could get hormone therapy and probably get some relief. I just hate to see people screw themselves over because some idiot gave them bad advice.

A lot of people have problems in their life, and are looking for answers, cures, etc. However adding to your problems by destroying your vision is probably not going to help. I’m not being mean to sun gazers, because in all likelihood they can’t read this.

portzer #3

Nancy Grace upstaged by Dutch reporter named Vries

In an amazing twist of events on the drab, overplayed, and severely unnecessary Holloway coverage – a Dutch reporter pulls off the Super Bowl of stories, and makes Nancy Grace look like the peewee football league in comparison. The reporter set up some kind of sting operation on Van Der Sloot, involving cameras, fake friends, disgusting Dutch food, and a lot of patience. More than a week ago he was telling us that he had new information and would show it to us this Sunday, and he sure delivered.

His evidence and reporting in the case push Nancy grace squarely into irrelevancy on the topic. With Nancy’s appearance today touting Vries’s weeks old information as “breaking news – Holloway dumped at sea”, it’s clear that she exists off of the table scraps of real reporters. Meanwhile, no one knows if the admission on Vries’s tape was true or if it was a fabrication. Mr. Van Der Sloot has lied before, and he could be lying again. Or he could be lying about lying. Or he could be lying about lying about lying. The point is, without a body it’s still not proof of the crime. Though it does leave the guy in the hot seat.

But think about this for a moment – what if the admission was a distraction? What if he really hacked her up psycho style and buried the body, and this whole “she overdosed so I freaked out and dumped her in the ocean” scenario is just a seed planted to divert from the real murder? Who knows? Nancy however does not feel the need to think outside the box on this. Though she may just be happy to have something to report on, after so many agonizing months of repeating the same information.

In her frenzy to jump on last months news bandwagon, she’s overlooking the possibility of Van Der Sloot planting a less incriminating story. Cheers Nancy. Maybe there are some soccer moms out there that think you’ve got the scoop. But we know better.

Portzer#3

This just in.. Jessica Simpson, is still not hot

I’ve written about her before, but now it is even more apparent that Jessica Simpson is not hot.

e_jessicasimpson_325.jpg

Take a look at her in what appears to be granny panties, converted into pants. I’m not sure how she pulled this off, or if she just likes looking like a 1960s feminist (pants to your chest so as not to arouse men, and no bra). But if that’s what she wants to do, more power to her. I just think that some people should (if they are so inclined to let themselves go) stay out of the spotlight. I think she went downhill when she stopped singing and became a pseudo reality TV star. Musically, she wasn’t particularly talented. But she was good looking (at one point).

And when meshed with a handsome dolt of a boyfriend on the TV show Newylweds, she began a sort of upward spiral of celebrity-dom. (BTW it was Portzer#2 that thought Nick Lachey was handsome).

I’m sure by now that, no one knows why she’s famous. At this point, she’s famous because she’s famous. These kinds of things become self perpetuating. Indeed this is the case for many celebrities. Like a nuclear reaction, once started it no longer needs assistance to continue. The same holds true for a variety of celebrities who are “famous because they’re famous.”

Let’s look at a few more. Hm, Christina Richi, and Paris Hilton. Fame was kick started by a background of wealth, pseudo-famous family members, and a short lived TV show. But they became self perpetuating. Even though they really had nothing to offer the public, not particularly skilled in acting, or dancing, or driving, or even eating. In fact I’d say the average joe on the street is more skilled at eating than Nicole Richie and more skilled at driving than Paris Hilton. But they are famous. Why? Because people scream and say “omg it’s someone famous” when they’re around. But why are they famous? “I don’t know, cause they’re famous!” Clearly celebrity fame is dependent on mass hysteria.

I won’t say there aren’t really famous people, because there are. Take Louis Pasteur for example, that guy invented antibiotics. He was famous and still is well known. He had a reason to be famous. These other people, not so much.

Oh and just a pointer to Jessica Simpson, I’m a guy but I’m pretty sure the granny panties are supposed to go under the pants, and you should not try to reinforce them with a sewing machine and add leggings to them. That’s not hot.

Portzer #3

Nancy Grace – attention whore of the month award

Nancy

I would like to personally nominate Nancy Grace for the reward of filling the airwaves with the most useless, drivel about a 10 year old case that no one cares about anymore. On Labor day (August 28th), I had the misfortune of going to a barbeque where the people had this CNN special playing aobut the JonBenet Ramsey case. I cannot count the number of times she repeated the same information, over and over in a mind-numbing southern drone. (Removed comment about throwing hamburgers at people with southern accents).

At the time I began to wonder, why does this 10 year old case matter? What is so much more special about a rich, blonde “beauty pageant contestant” getting killed than anyone else? I don’t get it. It’s been 10 years, can we drop it please? This also brings to mind the Natalie Holloway case, another rich, blonde. What’s the deal with the blondes?

The thing that annoyed me most about Nancy, is she kept going into a slow dramatic voice, and repeating the same grisly details about the murder over and over, as if its something new. I’m sorry, but re-reading a 10 year old police report is not news. Not only that, she said that sicko Karr guy was guilty of doing the crime without any evidence. Authorities said that he completely made it up. And why do you think he made it up? I bet she have never been on a fecal stained prison water slide in Thailand.

In anycase, CNN must’ve hired this lady to keep up with FOX new’s “it’s not news but we’re talking about it anyway” stories. It has the substance of cotton candy, you take a bite and it it melts into nothing. This lady needs to be on a soap opera, not a news show. That anguished, cheesy accent will come in quite handy.

*** Update: ***

It appears Nancy Grace has struck again. This time she tried to squeeze some tears and strife out of a completely unwilling Elizabeth Smart. Ms. Smart was clearly moving on with her life and talking about a victims bill or some such, when Mrs. Grace switched to her sappy sob voice and dove headfirst into unnecessary details about Elizabeth’s captivity. Elizabeth was furious. See for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x8ARIxg51I

Portzer #3