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Tia Tequila – who?

I hadn’t heard the name until seeing the “A Shot at love” reality show on some low rent TV channel when my cable went out.  I was surprised that they had a show with so many people vying for the affections of this girl.. A girl who looks like most any you’d find at your local strip club.  “What’s the catch?”,  I thought.  Oh, she’s bisexual.  That’s cool..  Hmm, this would be super controversial if it were, I dunno, 1999?  Not even the “touchy” subject of yesteryear seemed enough to justify this show.  I didn’t get it.

Out of morbid curiosity, I watched the whole episode.  16 Lesbians who looked like men, and 16 men, were competing to give her attention.  I don’t know a nice way to say this, but I think they could do much better.  Her tattoos made her look 10 years older than she is.  I was shocked to find out she was 26, I thought for sure she was pushing early/mid 30s.  Her personality is, average.  Just your typical, “I grew up in the suburbs but I’m embellishing the hood”, girl.

Anyhow, the season ends, she gets her guy (I seriously didn’t think any of the “women” had a chance.  They all looked like men – why settle for a woman who looks like a man when you can have, I dunno, a man?).  So besides that shocking discovery that she picked a dude over a dudely chick, my mind swept this out of relevance and I began thinking of more important things, such as whether to buy Bumblebee tuna or Starkist.  (Starkist won btw).

Just this last month I saw the show on again, “reruns” I think to myself.  But no, um, she’s back.. Wait, what?  Why?  The show was supposed to give her “A shot at love” and it did.  Next contestant.  But no, her 15 minutes of fame were apparently not enough.  What about the other girls that want a shot at love?  I honestly don’t care if she can or can’t find love at this point, she was given a perfectly good opportunity and either screwed it up or quit it for another shot at fame.  Yeah, we get it, you’re edgy.  You like girls and guys but will probably pick a guy again this time.  Kissing other girls for attention at bars became popular in the late 1990s, maybe it’s played out.

Sooner or later your biological clock will be ticking and you really will have to choose between a man and a life with women who look like Tom Jones. Don’t waste the chances you are given, sweet pea.

Portzer #3

Richard Simmons releases controversial sex tape

Yes, it has been a while as portzer #2 points out. So it’s time to get back to business. Today Richard Simmons released a controversial sex tape that is working its way through the adult market. In the tape, aptly named “How to do it like a man”, Richard Simmons vows to demonstrate how to be the Alpha male that women all secretly crave in the cave dwelling portion of their brain.

To start, Richard Simmons gives some warmup techniques, particularly how to loosen up the joints. This is performed to “Tutti Frutti” song by Little Richard. Clearly Mr. Simmons is being metrosexual, i.e. he is so confident in his heterosexuality that he is acting the opposite as a joke. In fact, he says the ladies like this a lot. So add this to your getting laid checklist: Listen to extremely fruity music.

As the tape progresses, Richard Simmons shows you how to take a woman and make her your love slave. He emphasizes this by baking a woman a pie, and then spreading it all over his chest in small circles in a very .. manly fashion. This must stir cravings in all but the most prudish of women.

Towards the end Richard can be seen yelling at a woman on a treadmill. This kind of roleplaying is typical, as he is the dungeon master when it comes to exercise equipment. “You go girlfriend, push it!”, he commands as the woman becomes exhausted from the foreplay. In fact, one rather corpulent woman nearly fainted at the sound of Mr. Simmon’s voice, when he said “ok you’re done sweet-tush.” Clearly, the man has machismo, and testosterone powers that us mere mortals can only dream about..

Until next time..

Portzer #3