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We Gettin’ Canned Yo

At one time there was a great deal of speculation concerning AOL layoff rumors. That speculation is no more. It is now clear that all of the Tucson sites will be laid off in the near future (i.e. less than 6 months from now).

It’s an inevitable state of affairs if you look at AOL’s changing business model. They are changing revenue to be advertisement based and not subscription based. To accelerate that, they are giving free service to those who have high speed and do not want tech support. Clearly they are stepping away from a software platform, and embracing one that is web based. Hence no need for techs (us).

To make the possibility even more clear, they admitted to needing to layoff 5,000 people (duh), 3,000 of which will come from Europe. The other 2,000 will likely be us here in Tucson, and whatever callcenters remain (I think Abequerque). It is our belief that India will stay on to be the last techs. Why cut the cheap ones first? (thinking like an idiot bean counter).

So anyway we post here to put any speculation to rest, and plan for the future. Yes we were those guys that walked you through deleting files and reinstalling CD’s. Yes we wrote disgusting articles shortly after talking with you. We were those guys.

We hold little ill-will towards our employer. Much like you would not hold ill-will toward a retarded kid that hits you with a baseball he was playing with. You can’t get mad at him, because he’s retarded. The same holds for our company. I could go into a lengthy diatrabe about corporate stupidity. Let me just say, I have never understood the figure of speech “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”, more clearly than I have in the years I’ve been working at this company. For those about to be canned, we salute you!

What our Readers Want IV

Well, it has been a while since we posted.  All of us have been busy with impending doom and what not so we thought we would throw something out there.  A little thank you of sorts for still coming to the site.  So without further ado, what our readers want….

male diapers

This one seemed to be a big hitter today.  I have no idea why you would click that link… Maybe our site has something to say about the world that appeal people who need to wear male diapers.  We aren’t ragging on you, only curious to know what destiny is in store for those with weak bladders and a penchant for this style of news.  We SALUTE YOU!

missile popeil

Well… Um… I think this comes from some peeps on a Jihad.  You come to America not knowing how to get hooked up but are awake at 4 a.m. learning about the Showtime Rotisserie.  Then ::light bulb turns on:: this dude is as amped as we are, maybe he has a missle or two to sell.  Hell I’ll take two Ronco Missiles and a Pocket Fisherman.

creepy toilet

Yes, I have seen many a creepy toilet.  I especially find ones with dim lighting and the automatic flushers to be hecka scary.  You move one millimeter while enthroned upon those bad boys and it is a European experience of a cool wet splash to the buttocks. So creepy…

skin and crack addicts – crack+addiction+skin

Since these were similar I decided to group them.  Portzer #1 had a run in at a crack house before.  He thought he was there to pick up landscaping materials when his friend told him to go down and pick up some rocks.  Of course it was too late when he arrived at the front door and “Twitchy” Willy came to the door saying something about Mac and Cheese and the end of the world.  So here is the part you came for.  Willy was ashy as a naga baba fighting a forrest fire.  The experience wasn’t so bad because Portzer #1 met a new friend and was able to sell some of his skin care products.  Willy is no longer ashy or “Twitchy” due to crack.

pee site hack

I always have to add at least on of these.  You sick, sick monkeys.  No further comment required.

fluke call center

Well either we are talking about the worm or the fish and I don’t know of a call center for either.  Unless maybe it is one of those care hotlines where you can call them up and say you have a worm invading your liver.  Not funny or anything, just weird…

Peace, I’m out britches…

Portzer #2

What our readers want II

Today we discuss the sequel to our classic: What our readers want.

You see, we repond to our readers demand for hyperbole, and satire. The way we do that, is with our search results.

In no particular order, we will review some of the more recent attempts to reach our site.

AOL haCK

– We have had brief discussions on hard hitting hacks such as changing the color of the AOL icons, and discussed strange techie terms such as Boxley that are either a town in South Africa or an AOL technology, we’re not sure wihch.

Naga Ashley Olsen

– This is an interesting idea, Ashely Olsen is certainly skinny enough to be a Naga Baba. The only thing she lacks are the male parts needed for the strange twisting rituals. See article.

swiming pools

– Apparently, we are the universal repositoriy for information about mispelled swimming pools. This wasn’t the first one, and I don’t think it will be the last we see of it.

aol saves call

– This may be discussed in a future article, unfortunately the person who made the call is attempting to sell the recording to the highest bidder in an attempt to make himself rich and famous. This is akin to the “severed finger in my chili” scandal, except there was no finger and no chili.

Jessica Simpson unofficial

– Um yeah, we have some unofficial info on Jessica. See it here.

water proof diapers

– Unforunately this topic comes up frequently enough that I have stopped swimming in public pools. Now you will never see me don a speedo and cannonball into zesty water for fear of potentially running into a fragmented poop bomb.

faux pa

– Just look this up in the dictionary, it’s an embarassing accident in a social situation. Sheesh.

Sitemanager fun video feces

– At some point we will try to put all those things together. Stay tuned..

Male enchancement bill

– I think they meant pill? Or perhaps they are starting a blog to get generous internet browsers to help pay for their male enhancement. More power to ya we say, just don’t ask us for money.

Various celebrity pee, and/or bladder control requests.

– We’ve covered it here, but we will have to wait until another celeb drops traw and lets it go on stage. It could be any day now. Portzer #2 has a slighty unhealthy obsession with dirty celebrities. My guess is you will not be disappointed.

im i not turtley enough for the turtle c

– You might think it a fluke, but this strange request has been asked for more than once. Unfortunately, due to the cryptic nature of the search, we may not be able to deliver an article about it. And will probably spend the rest of our lives wondering what the last word was supposed to be.

Until the next search results review, keep on searching. Don’t forget to keep it legible.

portzer #3

Connie Chung and a Little Drinky Drinky

Connie Chung singing a farewall song to her viewers and her career.  Looks like Connie Chung took a note from Bobby Lee on how she should perform.  She apparently hit the rice wine a little hard.

I don't understand how that piano player can keep a straight face while she scurries around the piano like a seal then rolls off the edge while grunting.  I would have had a fish tosser from Pike Place chuck a 40 pound frozen filet at her hoping to knock her unconcious.

I don't think it will be too long till we start seeing Connie in a tube top and flip flops trying to find out who her babies daddy is (good thing Maury has that television genre cornered).  She will proceed to to stomp around stage with saggy skin flopping about her belly area and yelling explitives.  I know this because it has been told her assistants have seen her do this before show tapings.  The biggest incident being when she snorted a box of ground altoids and complained of not being F*ed up enough.

"Rike a lhinestone cowhrboy"

portzer #2

The end is nigh…

So um, some people are freaked about tomorrow being 6-6-06 but hey we did live through 6-6-06 in the 1900's so I think we're good to go.  The real sign of the apocalypse will be more Ghostbusters style.  I think it will involve Richard Simmons as the Gatekeeper and Rosie O'Donnell as the Keymaster/Stay Puff Marshmellow woMAN.

"Fear the end, for the fluffy one shall walk the Earth seeking honey baked ham and a man of small stature, shorts, yet large puffy hair."

-Nagabamas

Naga Babas

Untitled1.jpg

We start this post, with a picture. First, you see the Indian actress from Mumbai, India. Behind her oddly, is one of the rare Hindu known as “Naga Baba.” Naga means “naked”, and Baba means “Father” or “Uncle.” In this case, we do not know why the Naga Baba is in the photo.

Let’s get more in-depth about these so-called “nude uncles”. First, you must know, they cover themselves from head to toe in what looks to be ashes. I’m not quite sure what it is, could be anything that resembles that pasty color; flour, powdered sugar, coccaine, etc. Well, you get the point. Some have speculated that it may even be dried bodily fluids, hmmm. Secondly, they also have this fun habit of wrapping and stretching their mr. happy around a stick, just like a clown uses those flexible balloons to make colorful circus animals. Ever go to a carnival and see them make salt water taffy? Salt water taffy machine image can be seen here:

taffy_machine_pink2.jpg

Now try to visualize this image but first replace those metal rotators with a stick from a tree. Next, replace the taffy with the mr. happy. Hit the “on” button and watch the process begin. Well, this is exactly what they do. I do not know the benefit of doing this, and to be clear, it looks quite painful. The consensus is that they are “above” the notion of human sexuality, and only see their thingee as a “prop” for demonstrating weird stretching rituals on public streets.

For those of you who would like to view a real life, Naga Baba video, click below to view it. I must warn you in advance, this video is definitely not work safe as it depicts national geographic style nudity, and once watching it you cannot “undo” the mental imagery. However, it can be quite uplifting in a “my life could be worse” kind of way. The song is also quite catchy. If you are not afraid, this foul yet educational documentary can be seen at You tube, credit goes to DennisTheRed.