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The Presidential Massage of Doom

Lets discuss this back massage done on German Chancellor Angela Merkel. First of all, those government people were summoned to do battle with debates and discuss diplomacy, not there for shoulder massages. I mean, he’s doing it all wrong. First, they need to have less clothes on, period. Trying to rub out knotted muscles with a suit on makes it harder to do so, not to mention heat generation and so forth. Sorry if I’m being too technical. Also, they need to use some form of oil to make sure there is a friction while the rubbings take place. If not, then its like trying to play with a dry apple pie, if ya know what I mean. I almost forgot what about a happy ending?? That Chancellor look liked she was saying, “get the hell away from me, you brute” Amid the chaos, I have discovered a more effective way for a memorable massage. My gourmet process for a grande massage is as follows:

1. First, I visit local rest homes and gather all of the residents’ fresh diapers, and stick them in my stolen Dominoes Pizza heat bag, them rush them to my office. I quickly transfer the soft stool into my registered trademark liquid-proof stay fresh swim diapers and place them in the oven for 6 minutes at 100 degrees. I quickly take the diapers out and place them on my client for about 10 minutes.

2. While the bubbling diapers help warm their skin and relax the muscles, I prepare myself. I drink a cup of Bushka brand Chai tea, then make a friendly gesture towards Amen-Ramen, my god. I take off my clothes and begin to fall into a trance. I picture myself slowly falling through giant toilets; it feels like transcending through space and time. This gets me pumped up for the actual massage.

3. I remove the diapers from my client, and begin to spread on “Tres Flores” on their back. I have found this to be extremely useful in acquiring a good amount of friction to rub out the naughty and neglected muscles. It’s so greasy, in fact, they can also put it in their hair and become a John Travolta cliche` “Grease” character.

4. My client has the option of entering our exotic mud baths filled with fluide de merde, which helps open up the pores from such an exhilarating experience. The tubs operate at a lovely 110 degrees, just the right amount to aid in molten French mud. The best thing is, we never clean out the tubs, we simply keep then heated for the next client. The idea is, each individual who basks in the ambience adds to the circle, thus enriching its mystic nutrients for the next individuals to enjoy.

I hope this gave you a better understanding of my masseuse parlor, and what goals we strive to keep for each and every customer.