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Funny People… apparently like the penis…

Eugenics, slavery and The Hills.  Yes all things that many Americans have jumped on the bandwagon of since the beginning of our wonderful nation.  Now we have a new one.  The penis in movies.

So, I just saw funny people. I would say the first 30 weiner jokes were funny… And then somewhere around the time Mr. Sandler commented on the thickness or size of his gardners shlong the 8 year old child inside me died.  Slowly.  Miserably.  Choking on the mighty cock of stale humor.  Mighty indeed.

Hailed as the most mature Apatow comedy?  WTF!? WTF indeed good sirs.

And I’m sure America loved it.  Since of course they have proven to “like the cock” as Jay would say to Silent Bob.  This statement is further proven by the box office power of Bruno.  <sarcasm> Yes presentations of naughty wang verbally and visually are funny <sarcasm>.  Look at The Hangover a tiny asian dude with what looked like a wrinkly robbins egg in a birds nest got the biggest laughs from the audience.

I think the next evolution in American comedy will be gay porn with knock knock jokes.  Because gosh darn it, male and female Americans like their wangs with overplayed jokes.

I believe this is the third sign of the apocalypse.  We here at irqportz know about signs of the apocalypse…  By the way.  It may be another year before I post again because I’ll be going to gay porn director school.  I’m gonna be rich mutha truckas!

Portzer #2

Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

[@nn3d

Yes sah. We got canned here at AOL, as predicted. Our Tucson site will be closing in December 16th and along with it our jobs. We get one month severance package (yay). I only wish they would start the severance early so I could chill while finding another job.

In any case here is how the day went. On Wednesday, October 18th I went into work and I saw the Channel 13 news van. I figured, either someone got shot, or we’re getting laid off. It was that simple. And I was correct on the second account. I walked in and immediately was greeted by the Workforce management person. They had us go into a room where we listened to a Human Resources person give a spiel about why our site was getting shutdown, and what our benefits were. Well we know this was going to happen (refer to this article).

It was funny, because I was already going to jump the second I got another job offer, so this did not have the “scary” effect they supposed it would have on me. I do however, feel sorry for those who were counting on this job as it will no doubt affect them unless they can get employment quickly.

In any case, I left with a bottled water and a threat not to talk to the media or we risk losing our severance package. (Good luck figuring out who I am). Obviously that went over well. I don’t know why they didn’t want us talking to the media, maybe the media would paint them in a bad light because they are keeping India call centers open. But people should’ve known that was going to happen the second the India callcenter’s opened.

They don’t “augment” workforces with India, they replace them. And it’s so common now no one will make a big fuss when it happens. Any remaining employees working for Dell or any other big company that outsources, your jobs are in jeopardy whether your company admits it or not. I suggest education and training, and looking for a more reliable position. I will not give away my plans as I feel it may be used to identify me, but needless to say I will not be in bad shape.

For those who got canned, we salute you!

portzer #3

What our Readers Want V: A New Hope

missle song eat fish

WTF!? WTF are you on man… 

teh cw

As you probably have sadly learned they turned Clark Kent into teh ghey…

roseanne barr nude

degenerate… damn dirty degenerate…

peeing in public pools

Be carefull of not doing this in some pools due to the special dye they put in it to detect when one has evacuated their bladder off all urine.  You could probably get away with this act in most public pools and some school ones but you never know.  It is like Russian roulette.  Fire off a round if you dare.  But if you are found out say you are quite hygenic and the red stuff is really from that chewable dye tablet that detects plaque on your teeth.

INTRODUCTION TO IRQ

I’m portzer #2 and… nm you probably wanted to know about real irq’s.  Well I find them boring so I won’t bother.  But the last time I seriously had to configure an IRQ was when I played Sam and Max hit the Road in DOS.

I want a deeper voice

Well I have thought about this since there have been many searches on this issue being directed to our site.  Either hit puberty or… Here’s my theory.  A man’s voice becomes higher when he is kicked in the crotch.  What if it was well… taken care of?  I say try pawing it like a little kitten and see if that helps.  Then we will all laugh at you because you played with yourself and we tricked you into doing so.

 I’m out foo’s

Portzer #2

From Ditzy to Drunk she gets out of jail by shaking her non-existent badunkadunk

Let me start with… THAT WAS THE LONGEST TITLE EVAH!!!

Ok, now to the news. 

Paris Hilton was recently arrested on DUI charges but got out within less than three hours without posting bail.  Apparently the watch commander thought it was too dangerous to have the paparazzi around.

What I think the real reason is that the watch commander was more worried about the toxic seepage coming from Hilton.  Being anorexic, full of toxins, and STD’s makes her a biohazard that only a swat robot can come into contact with and not corrode in a minute (swat robots will go down in 5 minutes). 

But Hilton had a .8 blood alcohol level.  This is probably very bad as seeing she has a .0001 brain cell count and is unable to comprehend anything if she is looking at the pictures in See Spot Run let alone driving while drunk.

Well I’m glad she got arrested and hope she learns something

WHORE… (Tourettes moment)

Portzer #2