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Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

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From Ditzy to Drunk she gets out of jail by shaking her non-existent badunkadunk

Let me start with… THAT WAS THE LONGEST TITLE EVAH!!!

Ok, now to the news. 

Paris Hilton was recently arrested on DUI charges but got out within less than three hours without posting bail.  Apparently the watch commander thought it was too dangerous to have the paparazzi around.

What I think the real reason is that the watch commander was more worried about the toxic seepage coming from Hilton.  Being anorexic, full of toxins, and STD’s makes her a biohazard that only a swat robot can come into contact with and not corrode in a minute (swat robots will go down in 5 minutes). 

But Hilton had a .8 blood alcohol level.  This is probably very bad as seeing she has a .0001 brain cell count and is unable to comprehend anything if she is looking at the pictures in See Spot Run let alone driving while drunk.

Well I’m glad she got arrested and hope she learns something

WHORE… (Tourettes moment)

Portzer #2

Who wants to party with Mel? We do!!

 

 

 Well well Mel. Seems over the weekend Mel Gibson fell off his high and mighty (which he is) horse by getting piss drunk, driving under the influence, getting arrested, flinging some racial slurs, making homo-erotic statements, and finally realizing “oh crap I’m doing this in public”, sounds like a killer party. 

     But we here at the IRQ are of the opinion to leave Mel alone. I mean it’s freakin’ Mel Gibson. If I was at a bar and Mel came strolling in wanting to party we are all over that. If he said “Let’s do some lines off a hooker then go driving in my expensive car” sign us up. That night he made Mad Max look like Mr. Rogers and it was spectacular. What kind of celebrity has the teabag to call female cops “sugar tits”..Mel that’s who and that’s just awesome.

     He’s Mel Gibson, son of a drunken Irish/Scottish, anti-semite, and born in New York, it’s in his genetics. He should be allowed to go crazy once in a while. We can only wonder if he did some of his nutball jokes like he did in Lethal Weapon 1-4, or if he might have said “They may take our lands but they’ll never take our beers!”. We can only hope. So he seemed to go a tad crazy since making his Jesus movie, so what, but hey he’s no Tom Cruise. Mel Gibson is the only celebrity that could say “I’m going to f*** you” like he said to that cop and we’ll just turn around to our friends and say “Dude Riggs just said he wanted to f*** me…awesome!!!”. Only Mel could say that he owns Malibu (because he does) and that he was going to f*** that deputy. Whatever the Mel wants, he gets. To the deputy I would quit and go be a tranny hooker in Thailand since Mel DOES have the power to destroy you. Do NOT oppose the Mel, the man works for God and has recruited quite the army the last couple of years. To quote his appearance on the Simpsons “All that oppose..say die!”

    Mel then quickly turned around on the weekend and apologized..and we cried and thanked God for Mel. All these sites that are calling this incident a “rampage” obviously never heard of the attack of Lohan and Hilton. But we’ll look back at this and laugh one day won’t we Mel? He’s just waiting until his newest movie comes out and everyone flocks to it again and Mel will just fill up his other pool with dollars and go for a swim a la Scrooge McDuck another fellow drunk Scot that really doesn’t care what you think because they have more money than all of Jew-dom.

     So for now we just have to giggle and sigh and just say “Ahh that Mel…we love him” because everyone does love him…everyone.

-Portzer #5

PS. Mel if you really want to party come visit us ..we’re close to Mexico. They love you too and they could really use the publicity. But they might mispronounce your name. But you could use your powers to rule over them with an Iron Fist. Then it would really be time to party.