Archive | Pocket Fisherman RSS for this section

The Buy Will Ferrell Pants Fund

I like Will Ferrell, I think he is funny but… for the love of Pete, keep the pants on. I don’t need to see him in thongs, speedos or in anymore of that Conan O’Brien leprechaun debauchery. His naughty bits packed into the smallest area possible is not my idea of comedy.

So now I call to you people.  To join me in curbing this lewd behavior.  Will Ferrel’s scrunched package in dirty chonies is not funny!

Lets all raise money so children, grandmothers and men around the world do not see such tainted visions again.  His crotch will haunt your dreams.

Here is what I propose….

  1. Raise awareness through our banner campaign
  2. Raise money
  3. Hire engineers and fashion designers
  4. Fabricate a pair of baggy pants that cannot be removed

So please add the following banner to your page and lets get the man some pants to wear

P L E A S E   H E L P

Copy the following code to add to your site

Portzer #2…

Advertisements

What our Readers Want IV

Well, it has been a while since we posted.  All of us have been busy with impending doom and what not so we thought we would throw something out there.  A little thank you of sorts for still coming to the site.  So without further ado, what our readers want….

male diapers

This one seemed to be a big hitter today.  I have no idea why you would click that link… Maybe our site has something to say about the world that appeal people who need to wear male diapers.  We aren’t ragging on you, only curious to know what destiny is in store for those with weak bladders and a penchant for this style of news.  We SALUTE YOU!

missile popeil

Well… Um… I think this comes from some peeps on a Jihad.  You come to America not knowing how to get hooked up but are awake at 4 a.m. learning about the Showtime Rotisserie.  Then ::light bulb turns on:: this dude is as amped as we are, maybe he has a missle or two to sell.  Hell I’ll take two Ronco Missiles and a Pocket Fisherman.

creepy toilet

Yes, I have seen many a creepy toilet.  I especially find ones with dim lighting and the automatic flushers to be hecka scary.  You move one millimeter while enthroned upon those bad boys and it is a European experience of a cool wet splash to the buttocks. So creepy…

skin and crack addicts – crack+addiction+skin

Since these were similar I decided to group them.  Portzer #1 had a run in at a crack house before.  He thought he was there to pick up landscaping materials when his friend told him to go down and pick up some rocks.  Of course it was too late when he arrived at the front door and “Twitchy” Willy came to the door saying something about Mac and Cheese and the end of the world.  So here is the part you came for.  Willy was ashy as a naga baba fighting a forrest fire.  The experience wasn’t so bad because Portzer #1 met a new friend and was able to sell some of his skin care products.  Willy is no longer ashy or “Twitchy” due to crack.

pee site hack

I always have to add at least on of these.  You sick, sick monkeys.  No further comment required.

fluke call center

Well either we are talking about the worm or the fish and I don’t know of a call center for either.  Unless maybe it is one of those care hotlines where you can call them up and say you have a worm invading your liver.  Not funny or anything, just weird…

Peace, I’m out britches…

Portzer #2

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

Showtime Celebrity Love Rotisserie

hit it and forget it 

Looks like Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are splitting up.  Friends close to the couple say it isn’t true.  But you know what JT.  Dump her!  I actually spotted Diaz and Timberlake while on my honeymoon in Maui.  At Cheeseburgers in Paradise (yummy burgers and color changing collectors cups!).  She denied my wife a picture : (.  But I would have done the same if I had not spackled on concealer just 10 minutes previous to the photo.  Her skin is all freckly-like and she must have been in the ocean because her eyes were bloodshot.  But hey, we would have taken an autograph.  I should have snapped the photo anyways, ran out yelling “Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake in Cheeseburgers in Paradise.  She’s putting cheese on her head and snorting french fry seasoning”.

So now to who Timberlake is supposedly dating.  Mr. Ronco’s daughter, Lauren Popeil.  She is the heiress to the Ron Popeil Rotisserie cookin’, egg scramblin, pocket fishin’ fortune.  Which I’m sure dwarf’s Timberlake’s singing and acting career earnings combined.  Never deny the purchasing power of trailer people.  I must admit I have a little trailer person in me too, I like that rotisserie “Set it and Forget it!”.

So go for it Timberlake… For the trailer park person in all of us…

Portzer #2