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Trailer Park Ecstasy Lost: The Tale of Britney Spears

Spears was recently seen on The Today show blubbering about the paparazzi not leaving her alone. I don't think I've ever seen someone crying and chewing gum at the same time.   I'm sure I can make a cow do the same if I poke it in the eye while it is chewing cud.  Poor dumb animals.

I've heard people say poor Britney her mom did it to her or the paparazzi did it.  Well do you notice who the paparazzi gravitates to?  The more 'Ho' factor, the more uncouth, the more they are hounded.  If I were Britney I would wear a moo moo, put curlers in my hair and carry a coin purse.  Nothing is more repugnant yet backwoods wholesome than that.

And to those who say she should dump Federline.  I say NAY!  Look, she could drop him but would that be best?  She says he is a simple man. That is a perfect match for a simple woman.  Both are disconnected from reality and eat paste.  Nothing says love more than that.

That is my post and I'm sticking to it!

-portzer #2

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Pop Tarts and the Art of War

Well today I went to go toast my pop tarts…. I push the handle down and nothing…  Ok, so I look in there and there are busted chunks of pop tart charcoal in the bottom.  I dare to push it down again this time with great dexterity and force.  So now it starts smoking.  Well it turns out I didn’t get to toast my tarts to golden brown goodness but instead to barely warm.  I was a little pissed.  Then walks in portzer #1 who began giggling like a schoolgirl that peed in the rose bushes.  He admits as to doing it and laughs. 

DUDE, you do not f*** with a man toatsting his pop tarts.  I told him to take it out but he didn’t.  How the frick do you leave large chunks of pop tart in the toaster.  If you are so dinglish you don’t know how to remove a pop tart in one piece you do not deserve to live.  So says Portzer #2’s Art of War.  So I say to you portzer #1…. you shall pay.

He is in trouble.  As you know I grew up as a street brawler.  I fought for cash money.  The only reason I’m here and not battling underground ‘Lionheart/Jean-Claude Van Damme’ style is that I needed to end my violent ways.  I put the life behind me, but the art I still practice.  My Shidoshi has taught me to control my violent outburst, but as I start my day I expect to be able to eat a friggin pop tart without any fear of under-toastage.   So for that portzer #1 I give you warning.  Pray that I do not find you in the parking lot or in the break room or…

Can of Whoop Aspirin

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