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Star Jones in the Wampa Cave

The Wampa that is Star Jones

Thanks to the portzer #1 for the absolutely ridiculous picture

Star Jones has finally left The View.  Not that I watched it or anything.  A bunch of post menopausal women and one token youngin talking about who they think is hunky doesn’t really draw me in as entertainment.

Barbara Walters sternly scolded Star for the way she left.  I believe this is what Walters said:
“We would have wet stawh jownes go with herwheh dignity but she decided to bite the buffet that fweeds her.  The twuth is that she is a cwack whore.  She lost all that weight fwum smoking the wock.  So with gweat regret I bid Staw Jones ado”

If Rosie O’Donnell would have been on the show at the same time as Jones they would have needed a larger table and The Dog Whisperer.  Cesar would be making his hand that signature bite shape and plunge it into the doughy necks the feral hosts posses.  The only problem is that they would bite him back and Mr. Millan would have to wear them down by hooking them each up to a tow chain attached to a multi-trailered semi.  Once he got them to pull him 100 miles or so he could train them in their new calm-submissive state.  Hooray for Ceaser Millan “The Dog Whisperer”.  Only he could sooth these savage beast women.  So their only choices were to let Star Jones go, put the big women down, or to bring in Cesar.  I say bring in Cesar cause I would watch that….

I think Star Jones will now start her journey towards the snow-capped peaks of Mt. Everest.  In 300 years she will be found in a cave resembling the Wampa inhabited in The Empire Strikes Back.  Except pack llamas and Gucci shoes would be hanging from the ceiling.  Jones will be found entombed in ice gnawing on a yak leg.  Next to her will lie the 64. oz big gulp she carted with her up the mountain.  Strangely it will be filled with gazpacho.  Her DNA will be tested and she will be touted as the missing link until a video surfaces showing Star Jones on The View.  From there she will be launched in a capsule on a path into the sun.  Never to be seen or feared again…

And you would fear her if there were hot sauce on your leg.

Portzer #2

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Connie Chung and a Little Drinky Drinky

Connie Chung singing a farewall song to her viewers and her career.  Looks like Connie Chung took a note from Bobby Lee on how she should perform.  She apparently hit the rice wine a little hard.

I don't understand how that piano player can keep a straight face while she scurries around the piano like a seal then rolls off the edge while grunting.  I would have had a fish tosser from Pike Place chuck a 40 pound frozen filet at her hoping to knock her unconcious.

I don't think it will be too long till we start seeing Connie in a tube top and flip flops trying to find out who her babies daddy is (good thing Maury has that television genre cornered).  She will proceed to to stomp around stage with saggy skin flopping about her belly area and yelling explitives.  I know this because it has been told her assistants have seen her do this before show tapings.  The biggest incident being when she snorted a box of ground altoids and complained of not being F*ed up enough.

"Rike a lhinestone cowhrboy"

portzer #2

Bill Gates and the Oompa Loompa Empire…

Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!

Well it appears that Mr. Gates is going to step down from running day to day operations at Microsoft.  I guess it will be really nice to chill at home and sip a 40.  I mean come on, the dude is more powerful than Oprah.  I guess he is going to retire so that he can protect the secret treasure that our forefathers had hidden for hundreds of years.  Or he can hopefully go through a mid-life crisis, buy a Jag, get a Clay Aiken haircut, two monkeys that do Aikido and eat broccoli, and learn a new sense of fashion from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (that's right oversized rose colored glasses, big wooden beads and a shirt that will show off his non-existent chest).  I say hopefully because he looks like the character Dana Carvey played to get into the Turtle club.  What makes it even further amusing is if you imagine Gates running in slow motion with his lips out and his head hunched over while Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" plays in the background.  'Im a coWboy, on a steel horse IIII riiIIIIiide!!! IIIII'mMm WANTED DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!'

Well, I think we portzers (not portzer #1) will be ruling the world soon.  Through ninjitsu, |_33+ [0d||\|G, and our savvy business sense.  While I think portzer #1 will be left homeless having lost all of his money running a poop site with Mr. Greenstein.  Although, by our search and tag hits, it looks like the poo is popular.

Well good luck and have fun Bill.

Ride on cowboy… ride on…

portzer #2