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Richard Simmons releases controversial sex tape

Yes, it has been a while as portzer #2 points out. So it’s time to get back to business. Today Richard Simmons released a controversial sex tape that is working its way through the adult market. In the tape, aptly named “How to do it like a man”, Richard Simmons vows to demonstrate how to be the Alpha male that women all secretly crave in the cave dwelling portion of their brain.

To start, Richard Simmons gives some warmup techniques, particularly how to loosen up the joints. This is performed to “Tutti Frutti” song by Little Richard. Clearly Mr. Simmons is being metrosexual, i.e. he is so confident in his heterosexuality that he is acting the opposite as a joke. In fact, he says the ladies like this a lot. So add this to your getting laid checklist: Listen to extremely fruity music.

As the tape progresses, Richard Simmons shows you how to take a woman and make her your love slave. He emphasizes this by baking a woman a pie, and then spreading it all over his chest in small circles in a very .. manly fashion. This must stir cravings in all but the most prudish of women.

Towards the end Richard can be seen yelling at a woman on a treadmill. This kind of roleplaying is typical, as he is the dungeon master when it comes to exercise equipment. “You go girlfriend, push it!”, he commands as the woman becomes exhausted from the foreplay. In fact, one rather corpulent woman nearly fainted at the sound of Mr. Simmon’s voice, when he said “ok you’re done sweet-tush.” Clearly, the man has machismo, and testosterone powers that us mere mortals can only dream about..

Until next time..

Portzer #3

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Been a while…

Now this sucks… we  haven’t posted in the longest of times.  The celebrities of the world are imploding on their dingleness.  Why do these people get worshipped?  After all they are just people.  They have all made lucky breaks and were just like you and I at one time. 

Heaven knows that Portzer #1 could be on some fetish site making a cool 2 mil a year in his parents basement web casting his fetish stuff dealing with poo, water slides and Richard Grieco posters.  But that is all based on luck.  We all possess wonderful abilities such as these to entertain the world. 

I will sexy dance like Richard Simmons to Yanni music if it means I will be able to enjoy a life of expensive cars and fine cheeses.  And that is probably the amount of intelligence I would have to display in order to be the next fixation of the general public. 

Sadly America wants to know what the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and (insert combined names here. e.g. Bennifer, TomKat, etc.) are doing. 

In order for us to focus on things that matter I guess Nelson Mandela would have to get a rippin’ six pack and wear a speedo.  Stephen Hawking would have to go on a drinking binge, ram a bus stop and call the good samaritan picking him up sizzle chest.  Although it might be interesting.

It seems the majority of America is more apt to believe what is told to us than what we discover for ourselves.  So we can probably stop the whole retarded celebrity thing if we ignore it.  But hey, I’m talking about that stuff now anywho.  But I’m doing it more to make fun of the hoopla around it than to consume that shizzle like Pete Doherty with a syringe of heroin (celeb reference… drat…).

But I guess I’m getting all caught up in what matters rather than taking the time to smell the Rosie O’s big toxic talk show vaginga (va-jing-ga).

I almost made sense…  I think…

Portzer #2

What our readers want II

Today we discuss the sequel to our classic: What our readers want.

You see, we repond to our readers demand for hyperbole, and satire. The way we do that, is with our search results.

In no particular order, we will review some of the more recent attempts to reach our site.

AOL haCK

– We have had brief discussions on hard hitting hacks such as changing the color of the AOL icons, and discussed strange techie terms such as Boxley that are either a town in South Africa or an AOL technology, we’re not sure wihch.

Naga Ashley Olsen

– This is an interesting idea, Ashely Olsen is certainly skinny enough to be a Naga Baba. The only thing she lacks are the male parts needed for the strange twisting rituals. See article.

swiming pools

– Apparently, we are the universal repositoriy for information about mispelled swimming pools. This wasn’t the first one, and I don’t think it will be the last we see of it.

aol saves call

– This may be discussed in a future article, unfortunately the person who made the call is attempting to sell the recording to the highest bidder in an attempt to make himself rich and famous. This is akin to the “severed finger in my chili” scandal, except there was no finger and no chili.

Jessica Simpson unofficial

– Um yeah, we have some unofficial info on Jessica. See it here.

water proof diapers

– Unforunately this topic comes up frequently enough that I have stopped swimming in public pools. Now you will never see me don a speedo and cannonball into zesty water for fear of potentially running into a fragmented poop bomb.

faux pa

– Just look this up in the dictionary, it’s an embarassing accident in a social situation. Sheesh.

Sitemanager fun video feces

– At some point we will try to put all those things together. Stay tuned..

Male enchancement bill

– I think they meant pill? Or perhaps they are starting a blog to get generous internet browsers to help pay for their male enhancement. More power to ya we say, just don’t ask us for money.

Various celebrity pee, and/or bladder control requests.

– We’ve covered it here, but we will have to wait until another celeb drops traw and lets it go on stage. It could be any day now. Portzer #2 has a slighty unhealthy obsession with dirty celebrities. My guess is you will not be disappointed.

im i not turtley enough for the turtle c

– You might think it a fluke, but this strange request has been asked for more than once. Unfortunately, due to the cryptic nature of the search, we may not be able to deliver an article about it. And will probably spend the rest of our lives wondering what the last word was supposed to be.

Until the next search results review, keep on searching. Don’t forget to keep it legible.

portzer #3

The end is nigh…

So um, some people are freaked about tomorrow being 6-6-06 but hey we did live through 6-6-06 in the 1900's so I think we're good to go.  The real sign of the apocalypse will be more Ghostbusters style.  I think it will involve Richard Simmons as the Gatekeeper and Rosie O'Donnell as the Keymaster/Stay Puff Marshmellow woMAN.

"Fear the end, for the fluffy one shall walk the Earth seeking honey baked ham and a man of small stature, shorts, yet large puffy hair."

-Nagabamas

This just in.. Jessica Simpson is not hot anymore

I suppose I could talk about the lastest blah blah from Bill Gates toting some new and improved feature/product that will either become the next thing or fade into obscurity. Blogs will clamor to cover it, so if it does take off they were "there when it happened." However, I will spare you my attempts to look cool and nerdy covering a techo-feature today. Does it really matter if you go a day without seeing something about an I-pod? I say no.

Today I would like to talk about Jessica Simpson. She is probably the most overrated celebrity I've seen in a long time. And yet, some people buy her "I'm a dumb bleached blonde" routine. Don't get me wrong, she used to be quite the hottie (evidence). But now her fake fish lips, other cosmetic "enhancements", and country-bumpkin act are really getting tired. Bleh

And then there is Jessica's sister, Ashlee Simpson. Hopefully talent doesn't run in the family. Case in point her ill-fated attempt to lip sync on Saturday night live, don't people remember Milli Vanilli? When the record skips you have a lot of explaining to do. And then the poor kid tried to blame it on her band, so sad. If I was in her band I so would have sold her diary to the enquirer after that crap.

Well since the Saturday night live incident, Ashlee has abandoned her "alternative rocker" routine and now has become a pure imitation of Jessica Simpson. Case in point, how her look has changed: Before After Don't get me wrong, she doesn't look bad, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers if you know what I mean.

Anyways, back to Jessica. I can think of several nobodies that are hotter. Like this incredibly hot school teacher lady. School teacher lady. Hmm I think some more pictures are warranted. Yeah. She was recently arrested for having "relations" with one of her students. My question is, where the hell was she when I was in high school?

Jessica Simpson, eat your heart out.