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A most unexpected party…

It’s Portzer #1 here, just stopping by to share my wealth of knowledge from a most recent experience. You see, It just so happens that I got a mystery gift card for my 31st birthday. On this card was written, “the holder of this card is hereby entitled to join us as a magical guest of honor at our new location”. All it contained was an address, no phone number, no venue name, and nothing more, very secretive. Was this some kind of joke?

I used google maps in an attempt to get a better idea of where this place was located, but that section of town seemed to be unclear on the maps, even though it existed. I proceeded to take a bus down there, since my car was tainted from a vagrant who broke in and spent the night. My car smelt of solidified milk that had expired 6 months back. Apparently, I had left a few of my favorite “Cream Pie Honeys” magazines in the back seat, which I’m sure the vagrant immensely loved, so much, in fact that he made a mess all over the dashboard and steering wheel. I hope the smell goes away eventually.

Ok, back to our story. So, I took the bus to this shadowy part of town, which ended at the ‘end of the line’ stop. I was the only one who got off. Let me try to describe to you what this part of town looked like. Imagine Star Jones and Rosie O’ Donnell wrestling over the last Milky Way Lite candy bar on the planet and at the same time imagine two gay sumo wrestlers fighting over a nude snapshot of Yokozuna. This area of town was in shambles!
I began to walk down the street, avoiding the fecal stained sidewalks and dried vomit encrusted buildings. Looks like someone had a gagfest at both ends. From the 4th floor of a particular extra dark brown building, a hand waved out to me with a yellow handkerchief. I called out, “Umm, hello…there?” I waved my gift card in the air for them to see. The hand retracted from the window and after a few moments of unnerving silence, a door on the side opened slowly with a shrill noise. A unique voice beckoned me, “right this way dear”. It sounded like a mix between Michael Jackson and a castrated Bobcat Goldthwait. (try to imagine that). As soon as I stepped in, I gagged as hard as the time when Fergus found out that Dil had a peepi instead….The smell was overpowering, like bleach mixed with moldy cheese and grape juice vomit. I tried to take another step forward, but then blacked out. I’m not sure how long I was out for, but I had the most intense (and unwelcome dreams ever) Countless females would approach me, then slowly undress and to my horror, were men instead. They would pet me like a purring kitty, running their hands down my crotch in wave like motions, and all I could do was watch. It was like this helplessness overcame me, and I could not combat it. I eventually awoke in some kind of back alley way, littered with glitter and pink ribbons, with a bad taste of expired squid in my mouth. I felt a presence, and turned around; 4 men wearing mops on their heads and smeared crimson lipstick were staring at me. One of them spoke to me, “well little one, that was quite a party we had”. I tried to respond but then the pale one quickly cut in, “it’s ok, you don’t owe us anything” He smiled deeply afterwards, and I noticed a bit of dried crust in the corner of his lip. I became severely horrified and ran as fast as I could from that place…..


 

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Star Jones in the Wampa Cave

The Wampa that is Star Jones

Thanks to the portzer #1 for the absolutely ridiculous picture

Star Jones has finally left The View.  Not that I watched it or anything.  A bunch of post menopausal women and one token youngin talking about who they think is hunky doesn’t really draw me in as entertainment.

Barbara Walters sternly scolded Star for the way she left.  I believe this is what Walters said:
“We would have wet stawh jownes go with herwheh dignity but she decided to bite the buffet that fweeds her.  The twuth is that she is a cwack whore.  She lost all that weight fwum smoking the wock.  So with gweat regret I bid Staw Jones ado”

If Rosie O’Donnell would have been on the show at the same time as Jones they would have needed a larger table and The Dog Whisperer.  Cesar would be making his hand that signature bite shape and plunge it into the doughy necks the feral hosts posses.  The only problem is that they would bite him back and Mr. Millan would have to wear them down by hooking them each up to a tow chain attached to a multi-trailered semi.  Once he got them to pull him 100 miles or so he could train them in their new calm-submissive state.  Hooray for Ceaser Millan “The Dog Whisperer”.  Only he could sooth these savage beast women.  So their only choices were to let Star Jones go, put the big women down, or to bring in Cesar.  I say bring in Cesar cause I would watch that….

I think Star Jones will now start her journey towards the snow-capped peaks of Mt. Everest.  In 300 years she will be found in a cave resembling the Wampa inhabited in The Empire Strikes Back.  Except pack llamas and Gucci shoes would be hanging from the ceiling.  Jones will be found entombed in ice gnawing on a yak leg.  Next to her will lie the 64. oz big gulp she carted with her up the mountain.  Strangely it will be filled with gazpacho.  Her DNA will be tested and she will be touted as the missing link until a video surfaces showing Star Jones on The View.  From there she will be launched in a capsule on a path into the sun.  Never to be seen or feared again…

And you would fear her if there were hot sauce on your leg.

Portzer #2