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What our Readers Want III

This is the ongoing post that answers the question, “What do our readers want and how can we help them to find it?” This information is taken directly from phrases of what people use to search our site.

Male crotch pics

Dirty dirty people….

muay + thai + money

You came to the right place my friends.  As you know two of us have fought for money growing up.  In fact that is how portzer #1 and I met.  On the mean streets of Philly at the age of 18 with machetes in hand.  Of course the machetes were for show but by golly it was showmanship at its best.

control by diapers

What type of control are you looking for?  Mind control is out of the question but you can control many things with a diaper.  In fact I could think of controlling the movements of the human body, other than bowel and bladder.  I’m talking about doing that straight up Jackie Chan style.

What to do for an animal with no bladder

I say you tie little Timmy’s marmoset to the tree and beat it with a shovel. HAHA… I kid, but seriously, WTH are you talking about?  You hook that bad boy up to a fur friendly colostomy bag and you love that animal to pieces.

maximum loads male enhancer pills

Now loaded male enhancer pills are a dangerous thing.  If you are looking at putting in a silver bullet and cocking back the hammer you are playing with fire my friend… with fire… ::dramatic hand gestures::

fergie stain

Yes the dirty hoo hoo dilly of Fergie is legendary throughout the land

aol layoff rumors

Yeah… we know… : \ 

picters of swiming pools

Well by cracky we got picters of grampa simmons floatin’ a poo boat in the pool.  Actually the pool is our cattle pond…

ROSIE O’DONNELL HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE

I repeat: “Dirty, dirty people”

getting ticks off of you

We know your secret… Although I heard you can burn them off with a lighter… I don’t know, I just heard that somewhere ::scratches leg and gets out lighter::

Portzer #2

What our readers want II

Today we discuss the sequel to our classic: What our readers want.

You see, we repond to our readers demand for hyperbole, and satire. The way we do that, is with our search results.

In no particular order, we will review some of the more recent attempts to reach our site.

AOL haCK

– We have had brief discussions on hard hitting hacks such as changing the color of the AOL icons, and discussed strange techie terms such as Boxley that are either a town in South Africa or an AOL technology, we’re not sure wihch.

Naga Ashley Olsen

– This is an interesting idea, Ashely Olsen is certainly skinny enough to be a Naga Baba. The only thing she lacks are the male parts needed for the strange twisting rituals. See article.

swiming pools

– Apparently, we are the universal repositoriy for information about mispelled swimming pools. This wasn’t the first one, and I don’t think it will be the last we see of it.

aol saves call

– This may be discussed in a future article, unfortunately the person who made the call is attempting to sell the recording to the highest bidder in an attempt to make himself rich and famous. This is akin to the “severed finger in my chili” scandal, except there was no finger and no chili.

Jessica Simpson unofficial

– Um yeah, we have some unofficial info on Jessica. See it here.

water proof diapers

– Unforunately this topic comes up frequently enough that I have stopped swimming in public pools. Now you will never see me don a speedo and cannonball into zesty water for fear of potentially running into a fragmented poop bomb.

faux pa

– Just look this up in the dictionary, it’s an embarassing accident in a social situation. Sheesh.

Sitemanager fun video feces

– At some point we will try to put all those things together. Stay tuned..

Male enchancement bill

– I think they meant pill? Or perhaps they are starting a blog to get generous internet browsers to help pay for their male enhancement. More power to ya we say, just don’t ask us for money.

Various celebrity pee, and/or bladder control requests.

– We’ve covered it here, but we will have to wait until another celeb drops traw and lets it go on stage. It could be any day now. Portzer #2 has a slighty unhealthy obsession with dirty celebrities. My guess is you will not be disappointed.

im i not turtley enough for the turtle c

– You might think it a fluke, but this strange request has been asked for more than once. Unfortunately, due to the cryptic nature of the search, we may not be able to deliver an article about it. And will probably spend the rest of our lives wondering what the last word was supposed to be.

Until the next search results review, keep on searching. Don’t forget to keep it legible.

portzer #3

What our readers want

We know what our readers want. That’s right, and it’s not because we’re geniuses, or psychic, or even clairvoyantly inclined. We know what they want, because we have the search results at wordpress. WordPress tells us what people search for to reach our site. The items that have been recurring will be discussed. Some of them are disturbing, those with small children, may want to cover their eyes during this discussion.

In no particular order, recent search terms that bring people to Irqportz and our commentary on them.

crotch rot
– You sick little monkey, that is all I have to say.

Fergie peeing
– Yep, she did indeed pee and we have pictures that prove it.

dirty celebs
– We are all about the celeb bashing, dirty or clean. We get it done.

water diaper dare
– What in the world? Ok that’s just sick. If you’re wearing diapers, you better not get in a pool within 100 miles of me. I do not feel even remotely sanitary knowing that your overflowing diapers could be contaminating the water I frolic in. I like to spray water with my mouth like a whale does, think about it. If you’re wearing a diaper you don’t belong in the same water as me, simple as that. I don’t care how water proof they make it, or if they “dared” you.

fergie crotch
– Yes, her crotch is indirectly covered. What can I say? We deliver on controversial topics.

portz video
– We don’t have a video yet, but if we did it would probably feature Elton John throwing monkeys at feces.

call centre establishment in india
– Well in the states we call them “call centers”, but that aside, I’m sure you’ll see this kind of discussion spring up from time to time. BTW, learn 2 spellcheck, newb.

swiming
– You know, if you spelled swimming correctly, you probably would not have reached our site.

techniques on how to do a ninja flip
– I think this guy proved that doing ninja flips is a really bad idea (afro ninja). If you have to ask how to do this, you should not be attempting it.

Malarky in the Pool

To get slightly off tangent and to break up the mahogany (hehe) of these past events, I would like to share a true story that occurred when I was around 12 years of age:

My family belonged to a private pool i.e. members only community. We would go there often during the hottest months to cool off, have a bar-b-que, relax, and have fun. Well, it just happens that one severely blazing day , my family decided to the community and scorch some chicken, hot dogs, and steak, and have a grand ole time. It just happens to be that a few vagrants I befriended were there with their kindred as well.

I didn’t plan on seeing any of them that day, so I brought a multitude of G.I. Joe and He-Man figures with me in case I got lonely in the pool (boo-hoo) It was going to be a while before any of the food was going to be ready, and it was too hot to leave the comfort of the cooling waters, so we decided to play “dive for the action figures” game. I began to feel my bowels contract; it began to feel as if something wanted to be released, but was partially constricted. As we continued to dive for magical toys such as Cobra Commander, Skeletor, and Beast-Man, the pressure began to increase. Damnit, this always happens when I’m having fun. As always, I didn’t want to break away from the festivities I was being a part of. I thought, I’ll just hold it and go later, and since it was so devastatingly hot outside, I didn’t dare get out of the pool unless I was forced to by someone else.

I’ll try to paint you a picture: In World of Warcraft, the Warlock’s Curse of Agony spell damage is dealt slowly at first, and builds up as the curse reaches its full duration, so was my bowels ready to push a huge gob of solid waste out of my rear end. My friends and fellow listeners let me tell you, it was too late. This huge load of caca was just released in my swim trunks at lightning speed. Luckily, the trunks were loose enough for me to work the waste dump free and distribute its pain upon the world. At the moment, we were in a deeper area of the pool, thank goodness. Well, that chunk sunk as fast as an automobile free falling out of the sky; in no time, that bad boy was on the bottom of the pool.

Unfortunately, my cohorts were still diving for the various figures, I wanted to tell them we were finished here and to move on to a different area of the pool, but at the same time I was extremely embarrassed and didn’t know what action to take to get away from the poop pile that lie in the depths, waiting for a hapless victim. I tried to distract them and lure them over to a shallower part of the pool, telling them I just threw more figures near that area. It began to work; they slowly inched their way towards the shallower area, but one of the poor bastards said he just saw something dark down below and before I could react, he was beneath the surface, on his path to doom.

When he surfaced, in his hand was a broken slab from my poop bomb. The others couldn’t believe their eyes; the poo bearer was even more surprised. The only thing that came from his mouth was, “UGHHHHHH” and he dropped it instantly, and literally launched out of the pool and darted to the bathroom to wash his hands. Me and the others couldn’t stop laughing, it seemed to last for eternity. Luckily, no one knew it was me; I was hysterically laughing inside in a demented sort of way, and no one knew the damned truth but me.

To this day, I still think of this experience and recall it to almost every detail, despite being over 10 years ago. Moral of the story? Hahahah hah ah, there is none!!! If you think I was going to say something like, “be sure to get out of the pool in time and take a bowel movement before its too late” is totally wrong. It’s more like, don’t go diving deep for shit, because you never know how far you have to go until you stumble upon some.

Irqportz 1