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Nancy Grace – attention whore of the month award

Nancy

I would like to personally nominate Nancy Grace for the reward of filling the airwaves with the most useless, drivel about a 10 year old case that no one cares about anymore. On Labor day (August 28th), I had the misfortune of going to a barbeque where the people had this CNN special playing aobut the JonBenet Ramsey case. I cannot count the number of times she repeated the same information, over and over in a mind-numbing southern drone. (Removed comment about throwing hamburgers at people with southern accents).

At the time I began to wonder, why does this 10 year old case matter? What is so much more special about a rich, blonde “beauty pageant contestant” getting killed than anyone else? I don’t get it. It’s been 10 years, can we drop it please? This also brings to mind the Natalie Holloway case, another rich, blonde. What’s the deal with the blondes?

The thing that annoyed me most about Nancy, is she kept going into a slow dramatic voice, and repeating the same grisly details about the murder over and over, as if its something new. I’m sorry, but re-reading a 10 year old police report is not news. Not only that, she said that sicko Karr guy was guilty of doing the crime without any evidence. Authorities said that he completely made it up. And why do you think he made it up? I bet she have never been on a fecal stained prison water slide in Thailand.

In anycase, CNN must’ve hired this lady to keep up with FOX new’s “it’s not news but we’re talking about it anyway” stories. It has the substance of cotton candy, you take a bite and it it melts into nothing. This lady needs to be on a soap opera, not a news show. That anguished, cheesy accent will come in quite handy.

*** Update: ***

It appears Nancy Grace has struck again. This time she tried to squeeze some tears and strife out of a completely unwilling Elizabeth Smart. Ms. Smart was clearly moving on with her life and talking about a victims bill or some such, when Mrs. Grace switched to her sappy sob voice and dove headfirst into unnecessary details about Elizabeth’s captivity. Elizabeth was furious. See for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x8ARIxg51I

Portzer #3

Star Jones in the Wampa Cave

The Wampa that is Star Jones

Thanks to the portzer #1 for the absolutely ridiculous picture

Star Jones has finally left The View.  Not that I watched it or anything.  A bunch of post menopausal women and one token youngin talking about who they think is hunky doesn’t really draw me in as entertainment.

Barbara Walters sternly scolded Star for the way she left.  I believe this is what Walters said:
“We would have wet stawh jownes go with herwheh dignity but she decided to bite the buffet that fweeds her.  The twuth is that she is a cwack whore.  She lost all that weight fwum smoking the wock.  So with gweat regret I bid Staw Jones ado”

If Rosie O’Donnell would have been on the show at the same time as Jones they would have needed a larger table and The Dog Whisperer.  Cesar would be making his hand that signature bite shape and plunge it into the doughy necks the feral hosts posses.  The only problem is that they would bite him back and Mr. Millan would have to wear them down by hooking them each up to a tow chain attached to a multi-trailered semi.  Once he got them to pull him 100 miles or so he could train them in their new calm-submissive state.  Hooray for Ceaser Millan “The Dog Whisperer”.  Only he could sooth these savage beast women.  So their only choices were to let Star Jones go, put the big women down, or to bring in Cesar.  I say bring in Cesar cause I would watch that….

I think Star Jones will now start her journey towards the snow-capped peaks of Mt. Everest.  In 300 years she will be found in a cave resembling the Wampa inhabited in The Empire Strikes Back.  Except pack llamas and Gucci shoes would be hanging from the ceiling.  Jones will be found entombed in ice gnawing on a yak leg.  Next to her will lie the 64. oz big gulp she carted with her up the mountain.  Strangely it will be filled with gazpacho.  Her DNA will be tested and she will be touted as the missing link until a video surfaces showing Star Jones on The View.  From there she will be launched in a capsule on a path into the sun.  Never to be seen or feared again…

And you would fear her if there were hot sauce on your leg.

Portzer #2