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What our Readers Want V: A New Hope

missle song eat fish

WTF!? WTF are you on man… 

teh cw

As you probably have sadly learned they turned Clark Kent into teh ghey…

roseanne barr nude

degenerate… damn dirty degenerate…

peeing in public pools

Be carefull of not doing this in some pools due to the special dye they put in it to detect when one has evacuated their bladder off all urine.  You could probably get away with this act in most public pools and some school ones but you never know.  It is like Russian roulette.  Fire off a round if you dare.  But if you are found out say you are quite hygenic and the red stuff is really from that chewable dye tablet that detects plaque on your teeth.

INTRODUCTION TO IRQ

I’m portzer #2 and… nm you probably wanted to know about real irq’s.  Well I find them boring so I won’t bother.  But the last time I seriously had to configure an IRQ was when I played Sam and Max hit the Road in DOS.

I want a deeper voice

Well I have thought about this since there have been many searches on this issue being directed to our site.  Either hit puberty or… Here’s my theory.  A man’s voice becomes higher when he is kicked in the crotch.  What if it was well… taken care of?  I say try pawing it like a little kitten and see if that helps.  Then we will all laugh at you because you played with yourself and we tricked you into doing so.

 I’m out foo’s

Portzer #2

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Foreign Pastries and the War on Terrorism

Ladies and Gentlemen….

The world is now safe. My mother was not allowed to bring her empanadas on board her flight home. For the uninitiated and the un-Mexican, empanadas are pastries which have a semi-circular dough like exterior and a filling that is the consistency of pumpkin pie filling. (and yes there are a few more cultures which have empanadas).

Well my mother called the airline for advice as to whether she could board with an empanada and they denied her due to it having a filling.  Wow…

If this is what America is coming to I do not like it.  I love this country but for the love of Pete, no empanadas.  Although there are the many terrorists that will MacGyver a pastry to bring the crew of a plane to their knees.  And God help us all if they had a Smuckers Uncrustable.

But if I were a terrorist I think I could smuggle in the necessary items without much hassle.  I would disguise myself as a female kindergarten teacher.  The large beaded necklace could be made out of C4 and the wire to attach to the power source would be in said necklace.  I would then power it with a toilet paper roll wrapped with the necklace wire and then have the energy go into a capacitor which I would get from my “earrings”.  Then I would eat paste and animal crackers while reflecting on my evil genius.

Things to be banned after the release of this article…

  • Large-bead necklaces (good because they are freaky anyways)
  • Toilet paper rolls
  • Earrings
  • Paste (bad because I need a tasty treat… well it is already banned I guess… well maybe not in gluestick form…)

Portzer #2

Whatever you do, don’t click this.

It’s rare that we come across a gross video that is too extreme, even for us.  This time may be the exception.  In this video, you will find some truly repulsive utilizations of dog poo (yes, it’s dog poo, so it’s not *that* bad). 

If you’re in the callcenter, you probably won’t get in trouble, but it might make you gag at the customer.  If you are the casual internet viewer, watch at the risk of your own disgust.  Whatever you do, do not click it. 

You were warned!

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/poopeater.html

Connie Chung and a Little Drinky Drinky

Connie Chung singing a farewall song to her viewers and her career.  Looks like Connie Chung took a note from Bobby Lee on how she should perform.  She apparently hit the rice wine a little hard.

I don't understand how that piano player can keep a straight face while she scurries around the piano like a seal then rolls off the edge while grunting.  I would have had a fish tosser from Pike Place chuck a 40 pound frozen filet at her hoping to knock her unconcious.

I don't think it will be too long till we start seeing Connie in a tube top and flip flops trying to find out who her babies daddy is (good thing Maury has that television genre cornered).  She will proceed to to stomp around stage with saggy skin flopping about her belly area and yelling explitives.  I know this because it has been told her assistants have seen her do this before show tapings.  The biggest incident being when she snorted a box of ground altoids and complained of not being F*ed up enough.

"Rike a lhinestone cowhrboy"

portzer #2

Trailer Park Ecstasy Lost: The Tale of Britney Spears

Spears was recently seen on The Today show blubbering about the paparazzi not leaving her alone. I don't think I've ever seen someone crying and chewing gum at the same time.   I'm sure I can make a cow do the same if I poke it in the eye while it is chewing cud.  Poor dumb animals.

I've heard people say poor Britney her mom did it to her or the paparazzi did it.  Well do you notice who the paparazzi gravitates to?  The more 'Ho' factor, the more uncouth, the more they are hounded.  If I were Britney I would wear a moo moo, put curlers in my hair and carry a coin purse.  Nothing is more repugnant yet backwoods wholesome than that.

And to those who say she should dump Federline.  I say NAY!  Look, she could drop him but would that be best?  She says he is a simple man. That is a perfect match for a simple woman.  Both are disconnected from reality and eat paste.  Nothing says love more than that.

That is my post and I'm sticking to it!

-portzer #2

Gnarls Barkley

I just heard their song “Crazy” on the MTV Movie Awards.  It is an awesome song.  I was a bit confused at first thinking Cee-lo was Gnarls Barkley.  This is perpetuated by the fact that he looks like a cross between Charles Barkley and that creepy toilet ghoulie.

Gnarls Ghoulie

You rock Danger Mouse… You rock Ghoul… ::ahem:: Cee-lo…