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Haley Joel Osment flies to Saturn… well flies in a Saturn…

(Check this out, I’m going to do this with a little entertainment news style infused into the article. That means a mention of age and too many credits to be in one paragraph)

Haley Joel Osment of Jeff Foxworthy fame was in an accident recently. The “Bogus” (who he starred with Whoopie Goldberg in) actor was found hurt and had apparently tried to crawl out of the back of his 1995 Saturn station wagon…

That’s right a 95′ saturn station wagon…  What the heck is this guy making when he does his Kingdom Hearts voice-overs, Walker Texas Ranger disturbing sauna stuff, Sesame Street, Second Hand Lions stuff?  Maybe the wholesome looking Osment is throwing down the Benjamins for Candy LaYummy at the local interpretive pole dance bar (cause its uptown and what not).  Not to mention supporting a $5,000 a day crack habit.

WTH!!!??? A 95′ Saturn Station Wagon?

Poor poor bastard…

Portzer #2


The School Cell Phone ban

School cell phones in a nutshell: They weren't common as little as 7 years ago. Yet somehow we managed to survive. It never fails that as our society progresses in technology, people become less self reliant.

Like Linus of Peanuts ™ fame, cell phones are becoming the security blanket for parents and students. I mean sure Linus could use his blanket and judo knowledge to disarm a knife wielding assailent, but didn't the kids always look down on him for having fetal alcohol syndrome? Are cell phones an issue of survival? Safety? I think the "bling bling" factor is more likely. The kids use their parents' fears, so they can be the "Ludakris" of the playground. They "gotta make dat money", trading shifts at Micky Dees, word. In short, they think it's cool to be seen with a cell phone, and make it ring in class; even though it's only only their parents and crazy-cat-lady Aunt that know the number.

Dingle parents of America. If your 16 year old can't survive being away from home for 8 hours without calling you, then they need a plastic bubble to live in, not a cell phone. You need to cut the umbilical cord and stop being so wussified, lest this generation be known as the weakest one. Comments from high school debate teams are welcome.

– portzer #3

Bill Gates and the Oompa Loompa Empire…

Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!

Well it appears that Mr. Gates is going to step down from running day to day operations at Microsoft.  I guess it will be really nice to chill at home and sip a 40.  I mean come on, the dude is more powerful than Oprah.  I guess he is going to retire so that he can protect the secret treasure that our forefathers had hidden for hundreds of years.  Or he can hopefully go through a mid-life crisis, buy a Jag, get a Clay Aiken haircut, two monkeys that do Aikido and eat broccoli, and learn a new sense of fashion from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (that's right oversized rose colored glasses, big wooden beads and a shirt that will show off his non-existent chest).  I say hopefully because he looks like the character Dana Carvey played to get into the Turtle club.  What makes it even further amusing is if you imagine Gates running in slow motion with his lips out and his head hunched over while Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" plays in the background.  'Im a coWboy, on a steel horse IIII riiIIIIiide!!! IIIII'mMm WANTED DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!'

Well, I think we portzers (not portzer #1) will be ruling the world soon.  Through ninjitsu, |_33+ [0d||\|G, and our savvy business sense.  While I think portzer #1 will be left homeless having lost all of his money running a poop site with Mr. Greenstein.  Although, by our search and tag hits, it looks like the poo is popular.

Well good luck and have fun Bill.

Ride on cowboy… ride on…

portzer #2

Techie Fight Club

Ok, now this borders on the ridiculous.  Tech guys with ivy league degrees use household items such as frying pans and tennis rackets.  Now as I told you in an earlier posting I used to street brawl for money.  I would be able to lay the smack down no problem.  But what about little Kenny Johsnon who has been playing a little too much Tekken 5 and downed a can of Red Bull.  He’ll be so cracked out of his mind that he may just go to Beatdown ’06.  But the sad thing is he’s only able to do 3 push ups and 5 situps before exhaustion hits.  So when Sanjay Gupta comes at him with 10 pounds of curry justice there will be no doubt he’s gonna have an aneurysm.  Not to mention Nguyen rumbling in with his instant Kancho death touch and Crazy 5 Masters Peanut Pull.

 All I’m saying is that some people are gonna get hurt and I can’t see why these guys would do it.  They should do something more constructive with their time like expand and refurnish their basement.  Because there is no doubt these fools are living beneath the floorboards of Ma and Pa’s house even though they make bank or they wouldn’t be doing this…

I mean look at that picture.  Looks like two mentally handicapped atheletes down at the local elementary school polishing their Muay Thai skills for the Special Olympics.


The Matrix Online – Why it failed

The Matrix Online was supposed to be one of the best MMORPG's on the market when it was introduced. The premise was simple, become Neo, be the "one", and win the internet. The trouble is, what do you do with 10,000 players who all want to win the internet?

How can you placate them? "Look Johnny, I understand your desire to win the internets, but you must realize that Susie, George, Bob, and Stinklebean over here also want to win the internet." How do you tell 10,000 would be heroes that there are 9,999 other would-be heroes?

Answer: You can't. It would crush the egos of the pasty, sickly pale kids who survive for years without social interaction; their only reason for living being some pending video game accomplishment. You simply can't take that away from them. Just as in the matrix, if the mind dies, the body dies.

There are other problems noted with the game in addition to the above. The characters on the screen had chronic "muppet mouth." In other words, they probably could have done better animation with several cans of tuna and a tube sock. This was highly unrealistic and non-immersive. And frankly, it kinda creeped me out.

Here is an artist's rendition of what playing Matrix online was like: Artist's rendition

I think I've had more fun throwing zip lock bags of rancid greenbeans at oncoming traffic. Fortunately this is no longer our problem. Time Warner sold the rights for Matrix Online to Sony Online Entertainment on June 17, 2005. Now that this tur.. er.. torch has been passed on, other avenues of gaming can be explored.

Note: The Matrix Online, Time Warner, and Sony Online Entertainment are registered trademarks of their respective holders.

Mac training

I just found out, everyone is going to get mac trained at the call center. That is interesting, I wonder why they still support the old OS. I would make them use a ASCII/Unicode browser so they can only see text. The machines are so old, it’s too hard to work with them. Some of them can still run javascript but in general they will not load pages with flash or activeX controls in them.

Let’s talk about Mac’s.  Well a Mac is just a Windows NT machine that was made way before its time.  Nothing wrong with that. I find it hard to hack on macs. They have so few things you can do to them for modifications. I think this is probably the number one difference between macs and PCs. A mac is like a car with its hood welded shut. Since we are coders it makes our life difficult, so I will not be using macs except maybe to test web pages.

The new OS X is pretty cool, uses open source code and Unix base. It could use some more support for Internet Explorer and office applications though IMO.

Funderbuss and the Legend of Pikminlink

Recently while searching for Legend of Zelda hacks I came across a dude/dudet who dresses up as Link. What the heck is that thing? Why is it so hard to determine, it is like if SNL took Pat and put that WoMan into fantasy clothing and let it roam free on the internet. If you are a forensic anthropologist or close friend of this person please help me out. I’m banging my head against the desk trying to figure out what sh…, well it is.

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