Archive | water-proof diapers RSS for this section

Well it’s black Tuesday all over again.

And it’s no surprise. Someone leaked that layoffs would be happening (today) weeks ago. AOL must be scratching their heads going “Who told?” Well we don’t know either. But we find it quite amusing.

Anyway, it should be called Happy Tuesday. Because people will just begin to see how much more life has to offer than a thankless, unrewarding job. A job that is one level above fast food, yet promised so much more.

To other “techs” in pseudo “technical” positions around the country. Think about this: If you have a hard time describing your job on a resume, that’s because your job is a joke. Real positions are well defined and easy to explain. If you have to think (like I did) and start listing out things you do instead of giving the name of a profession; your resume will not benefit from this job. Get out now.

Here’s what you can do:  Go to school.

No matter how much it costs, or how much effort it takes.  If you can afford it do it.  At least get concrete certifications if you can’t make it to college. Though certifications are only as good as how up to date they are. Degrees are forever, keep that in mind. Getting an education is about the only reliable way to prevent yourself from being used as cheap labor. There are an unlimited amount of people out there that can fill a tech job. There aren’t an unlimited amount of them with degrees.

Anyway, I wish all those that were laid off well. I really do. Hopefully all will find more rewarding prospects in the future. It’s been real.

– Irqportzter #3

“Dr. Airportlove or how I learned to scare with the toothpaste bomb…”

oils and lubes

So it appears another terrorist plot was averted. Airports have been slowed to a crawl due to the most recent threat. The plot was believed to be near execution and was believed to target flights headed towards New York, Washington, and California.

The suspects were planning to make a bomb out of liquids and gels in harmless appearing containers. All liquids, gels and some portable media devices are being banned from boarding the planes. This leaves thousands of Londoners without their rave music, glowsticks and X. Not to mention little Bobby’s cheese whiz. No huffing for you. Only essential medications and baby food are being allowed on board.

Can’t anyone see!! It’s the babies damn it, they are the terrorist. Who knows what kind of backwash they hid in their mother’s bossoms (a backup plan if their food was not let aboard). Not to mention the diapers (AKA dirty bombs).

I know this is possible. I’ve seen Baby Geniuses 1 & 2. I have watched it over and over, studying their ways and analyzing their behaviors.

Beware the MacGyver babies… BEWARE!!

Portzer #2

P.S.

Soon I see us all flying around in planes more barren than NASA’s KC-135 while in the nude. How do you vision the big lady sitting next to you now…?

p.s. p.s.

…that would be a big ol’ saggy booby on yo leg

What our Readers Want III

This is the ongoing post that answers the question, “What do our readers want and how can we help them to find it?” This information is taken directly from phrases of what people use to search our site.

Male crotch pics

Dirty dirty people….

muay + thai + money

You came to the right place my friends.  As you know two of us have fought for money growing up.  In fact that is how portzer #1 and I met.  On the mean streets of Philly at the age of 18 with machetes in hand.  Of course the machetes were for show but by golly it was showmanship at its best.

control by diapers

What type of control are you looking for?  Mind control is out of the question but you can control many things with a diaper.  In fact I could think of controlling the movements of the human body, other than bowel and bladder.  I’m talking about doing that straight up Jackie Chan style.

What to do for an animal with no bladder

I say you tie little Timmy’s marmoset to the tree and beat it with a shovel. HAHA… I kid, but seriously, WTH are you talking about?  You hook that bad boy up to a fur friendly colostomy bag and you love that animal to pieces.

maximum loads male enhancer pills

Now loaded male enhancer pills are a dangerous thing.  If you are looking at putting in a silver bullet and cocking back the hammer you are playing with fire my friend… with fire… ::dramatic hand gestures::

fergie stain

Yes the dirty hoo hoo dilly of Fergie is legendary throughout the land

aol layoff rumors

Yeah… we know… : \ 

picters of swiming pools

Well by cracky we got picters of grampa simmons floatin’ a poo boat in the pool.  Actually the pool is our cattle pond…

ROSIE O’DONNELL HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE

I repeat: “Dirty, dirty people”

getting ticks off of you

We know your secret… Although I heard you can burn them off with a lighter… I don’t know, I just heard that somewhere ::scratches leg and gets out lighter::

Portzer #2

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

What our readers want II

Today we discuss the sequel to our classic: What our readers want.

You see, we repond to our readers demand for hyperbole, and satire. The way we do that, is with our search results.

In no particular order, we will review some of the more recent attempts to reach our site.

AOL haCK

– We have had brief discussions on hard hitting hacks such as changing the color of the AOL icons, and discussed strange techie terms such as Boxley that are either a town in South Africa or an AOL technology, we’re not sure wihch.

Naga Ashley Olsen

– This is an interesting idea, Ashely Olsen is certainly skinny enough to be a Naga Baba. The only thing she lacks are the male parts needed for the strange twisting rituals. See article.

swiming pools

– Apparently, we are the universal repositoriy for information about mispelled swimming pools. This wasn’t the first one, and I don’t think it will be the last we see of it.

aol saves call

– This may be discussed in a future article, unfortunately the person who made the call is attempting to sell the recording to the highest bidder in an attempt to make himself rich and famous. This is akin to the “severed finger in my chili” scandal, except there was no finger and no chili.

Jessica Simpson unofficial

– Um yeah, we have some unofficial info on Jessica. See it here.

water proof diapers

– Unforunately this topic comes up frequently enough that I have stopped swimming in public pools. Now you will never see me don a speedo and cannonball into zesty water for fear of potentially running into a fragmented poop bomb.

faux pa

– Just look this up in the dictionary, it’s an embarassing accident in a social situation. Sheesh.

Sitemanager fun video feces

– At some point we will try to put all those things together. Stay tuned..

Male enchancement bill

– I think they meant pill? Or perhaps they are starting a blog to get generous internet browsers to help pay for their male enhancement. More power to ya we say, just don’t ask us for money.

Various celebrity pee, and/or bladder control requests.

– We’ve covered it here, but we will have to wait until another celeb drops traw and lets it go on stage. It could be any day now. Portzer #2 has a slighty unhealthy obsession with dirty celebrities. My guess is you will not be disappointed.

im i not turtley enough for the turtle c

– You might think it a fluke, but this strange request has been asked for more than once. Unfortunately, due to the cryptic nature of the search, we may not be able to deliver an article about it. And will probably spend the rest of our lives wondering what the last word was supposed to be.

Until the next search results review, keep on searching. Don’t forget to keep it legible.

portzer #3

Gnarls Barkley

I just heard their song “Crazy” on the MTV Movie Awards.  It is an awesome song.  I was a bit confused at first thinking Cee-lo was Gnarls Barkley.  This is perpetuated by the fact that he looks like a cross between Charles Barkley and that creepy toilet ghoulie.

Gnarls Ghoulie

You rock Danger Mouse… You rock Ghoul… ::ahem:: Cee-lo…

What our readers want

We know what our readers want. That’s right, and it’s not because we’re geniuses, or psychic, or even clairvoyantly inclined. We know what they want, because we have the search results at wordpress. WordPress tells us what people search for to reach our site. The items that have been recurring will be discussed. Some of them are disturbing, those with small children, may want to cover their eyes during this discussion.

In no particular order, recent search terms that bring people to Irqportz and our commentary on them.

crotch rot
– You sick little monkey, that is all I have to say.

Fergie peeing
– Yep, she did indeed pee and we have pictures that prove it.

dirty celebs
– We are all about the celeb bashing, dirty or clean. We get it done.

water diaper dare
– What in the world? Ok that’s just sick. If you’re wearing diapers, you better not get in a pool within 100 miles of me. I do not feel even remotely sanitary knowing that your overflowing diapers could be contaminating the water I frolic in. I like to spray water with my mouth like a whale does, think about it. If you’re wearing a diaper you don’t belong in the same water as me, simple as that. I don’t care how water proof they make it, or if they “dared” you.

fergie crotch
– Yes, her crotch is indirectly covered. What can I say? We deliver on controversial topics.

portz video
– We don’t have a video yet, but if we did it would probably feature Elton John throwing monkeys at feces.

call centre establishment in india
– Well in the states we call them “call centers”, but that aside, I’m sure you’ll see this kind of discussion spring up from time to time. BTW, learn 2 spellcheck, newb.

swiming
– You know, if you spelled swimming correctly, you probably would not have reached our site.

techniques on how to do a ninja flip
– I think this guy proved that doing ninja flips is a really bad idea (afro ninja). If you have to ask how to do this, you should not be attempting it.