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Tia Tequila – who?

I hadn’t heard the name until seeing the “A Shot at love” reality show on some low rent TV channel when my cable went out.  I was surprised that they had a show with so many people vying for the affections of this girl.. A girl who looks like most any you’d find at your local strip club.  “What’s the catch?”,  I thought.  Oh, she’s bisexual.  That’s cool..  Hmm, this would be super controversial if it were, I dunno, 1999?  Not even the “touchy” subject of yesteryear seemed enough to justify this show.  I didn’t get it.

Out of morbid curiosity, I watched the whole episode.  16 Lesbians who looked like men, and 16 men, were competing to give her attention.  I don’t know a nice way to say this, but I think they could do much better.  Her tattoos made her look 10 years older than she is.  I was shocked to find out she was 26, I thought for sure she was pushing early/mid 30s.  Her personality is, average.  Just your typical, “I grew up in the suburbs but I’m embellishing the hood”, girl.

Anyhow, the season ends, she gets her guy (I seriously didn’t think any of the “women” had a chance.  They all looked like men – why settle for a woman who looks like a man when you can have, I dunno, a man?).  So besides that shocking discovery that she picked a dude over a dudely chick, my mind swept this out of relevance and I began thinking of more important things, such as whether to buy Bumblebee tuna or Starkist.  (Starkist won btw).

Just this last month I saw the show on again, “reruns” I think to myself.  But no, um, she’s back.. Wait, what?  Why?  The show was supposed to give her “A shot at love” and it did.  Next contestant.  But no, her 15 minutes of fame were apparently not enough.  What about the other girls that want a shot at love?  I honestly don’t care if she can or can’t find love at this point, she was given a perfectly good opportunity and either screwed it up or quit it for another shot at fame.  Yeah, we get it, you’re edgy.  You like girls and guys but will probably pick a guy again this time.  Kissing other girls for attention at bars became popular in the late 1990s, maybe it’s played out.

Sooner or later your biological clock will be ticking and you really will have to choose between a man and a life with women who look like Tom Jones. Don’t waste the chances you are given, sweet pea.

Portzer #3

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What our Readers Want III

This is the ongoing post that answers the question, “What do our readers want and how can we help them to find it?” This information is taken directly from phrases of what people use to search our site.

Male crotch pics

Dirty dirty people….

muay + thai + money

You came to the right place my friends.  As you know two of us have fought for money growing up.  In fact that is how portzer #1 and I met.  On the mean streets of Philly at the age of 18 with machetes in hand.  Of course the machetes were for show but by golly it was showmanship at its best.

control by diapers

What type of control are you looking for?  Mind control is out of the question but you can control many things with a diaper.  In fact I could think of controlling the movements of the human body, other than bowel and bladder.  I’m talking about doing that straight up Jackie Chan style.

What to do for an animal with no bladder

I say you tie little Timmy’s marmoset to the tree and beat it with a shovel. HAHA… I kid, but seriously, WTH are you talking about?  You hook that bad boy up to a fur friendly colostomy bag and you love that animal to pieces.

maximum loads male enhancer pills

Now loaded male enhancer pills are a dangerous thing.  If you are looking at putting in a silver bullet and cocking back the hammer you are playing with fire my friend… with fire… ::dramatic hand gestures::

fergie stain

Yes the dirty hoo hoo dilly of Fergie is legendary throughout the land

aol layoff rumors

Yeah… we know… : \ 

picters of swiming pools

Well by cracky we got picters of grampa simmons floatin’ a poo boat in the pool.  Actually the pool is our cattle pond…

ROSIE O’DONNELL HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE

I repeat: “Dirty, dirty people”

getting ticks off of you

We know your secret… Although I heard you can burn them off with a lighter… I don’t know, I just heard that somewhere ::scratches leg and gets out lighter::

Portzer #2

Rush Limbaugh and the Dominican Smurf Snatcher

Rush Limbaugh returned from the Dominican Republic but was detained by customs agents.  Apparently he had a bottle of viagra not prescribed to him but to his doctor for “anonymity”. 

Sure buddy.  We all know you were going down south for cheap dirty loving and the only thing you could do to facilitate it was to swipe pills from your doctor.  Rush is only in the name and not in the genetaliation which directly results in flacidulation.  (Ok, not words but strangely it has meaning).

Why people still listen to this man confounds me.  I am a conservative person believe it or not but to listen to someone who is popping pain killers, viagra, and hostess twinkies like they are milk duds is not really someone I look to for advice.

Eh, I was bored…

Portzer #2

Interview Madness Pt. II

And the jerk goes on… 

Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions.  I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.

Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?

Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor. 

(this made me squirm in my seat…)
 
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?

Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
 
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful.  Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?

Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime. 
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener.  Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby.  So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?

Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
 
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?  Englighten us please.

Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them. 
 
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources.  Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?

Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah  ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!

Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me.  It was a disturbing experience.

_____________

As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world.  Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound.  I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me.  Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian.  He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath.  A villian of the dirty flasher type.

Portzer #2

Pop Tarts and the Art of War

Well today I went to go toast my pop tarts…. I push the handle down and nothing…  Ok, so I look in there and there are busted chunks of pop tart charcoal in the bottom.  I dare to push it down again this time with great dexterity and force.  So now it starts smoking.  Well it turns out I didn’t get to toast my tarts to golden brown goodness but instead to barely warm.  I was a little pissed.  Then walks in portzer #1 who began giggling like a schoolgirl that peed in the rose bushes.  He admits as to doing it and laughs. 

DUDE, you do not f*** with a man toatsting his pop tarts.  I told him to take it out but he didn’t.  How the frick do you leave large chunks of pop tart in the toaster.  If you are so dinglish you don’t know how to remove a pop tart in one piece you do not deserve to live.  So says Portzer #2’s Art of War.  So I say to you portzer #1…. you shall pay.

He is in trouble.  As you know I grew up as a street brawler.  I fought for cash money.  The only reason I’m here and not battling underground ‘Lionheart/Jean-Claude Van Damme’ style is that I needed to end my violent ways.  I put the life behind me, but the art I still practice.  My Shidoshi has taught me to control my violent outburst, but as I start my day I expect to be able to eat a friggin pop tart without any fear of under-toastage.   So for that portzer #1 I give you warning.  Pray that I do not find you in the parking lot or in the break room or…

Can of Whoop Aspirin

Have any comments? Twalk amongst yourselves in our comments…

Naga Babas

Untitled1.jpg

We start this post, with a picture. First, you see the Indian actress from Mumbai, India. Behind her oddly, is one of the rare Hindu known as “Naga Baba.” Naga means “naked”, and Baba means “Father” or “Uncle.” In this case, we do not know why the Naga Baba is in the photo.

Let’s get more in-depth about these so-called “nude uncles”. First, you must know, they cover themselves from head to toe in what looks to be ashes. I’m not quite sure what it is, could be anything that resembles that pasty color; flour, powdered sugar, coccaine, etc. Well, you get the point. Some have speculated that it may even be dried bodily fluids, hmmm. Secondly, they also have this fun habit of wrapping and stretching their mr. happy around a stick, just like a clown uses those flexible balloons to make colorful circus animals. Ever go to a carnival and see them make salt water taffy? Salt water taffy machine image can be seen here:

taffy_machine_pink2.jpg

Now try to visualize this image but first replace those metal rotators with a stick from a tree. Next, replace the taffy with the mr. happy. Hit the “on” button and watch the process begin. Well, this is exactly what they do. I do not know the benefit of doing this, and to be clear, it looks quite painful. The consensus is that they are “above” the notion of human sexuality, and only see their thingee as a “prop” for demonstrating weird stretching rituals on public streets.

For those of you who would like to view a real life, Naga Baba video, click below to view it. I must warn you in advance, this video is definitely not work safe as it depicts national geographic style nudity, and once watching it you cannot “undo” the mental imagery. However, it can be quite uplifting in a “my life could be worse” kind of way. The song is also quite catchy. If you are not afraid, this foul yet educational documentary can be seen at You tube, credit goes to DennisTheRed.

This just in.. Jessica Simpson is not hot anymore

I suppose I could talk about the lastest blah blah from Bill Gates toting some new and improved feature/product that will either become the next thing or fade into obscurity. Blogs will clamor to cover it, so if it does take off they were "there when it happened." However, I will spare you my attempts to look cool and nerdy covering a techo-feature today. Does it really matter if you go a day without seeing something about an I-pod? I say no.

Today I would like to talk about Jessica Simpson. She is probably the most overrated celebrity I've seen in a long time. And yet, some people buy her "I'm a dumb bleached blonde" routine. Don't get me wrong, she used to be quite the hottie (evidence). But now her fake fish lips, other cosmetic "enhancements", and country-bumpkin act are really getting tired. Bleh

And then there is Jessica's sister, Ashlee Simpson. Hopefully talent doesn't run in the family. Case in point her ill-fated attempt to lip sync on Saturday night live, don't people remember Milli Vanilli? When the record skips you have a lot of explaining to do. And then the poor kid tried to blame it on her band, so sad. If I was in her band I so would have sold her diary to the enquirer after that crap.

Well since the Saturday night live incident, Ashlee has abandoned her "alternative rocker" routine and now has become a pure imitation of Jessica Simpson. Case in point, how her look has changed: Before After Don't get me wrong, she doesn't look bad, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers if you know what I mean.

Anyways, back to Jessica. I can think of several nobodies that are hotter. Like this incredibly hot school teacher lady. School teacher lady. Hmm I think some more pictures are warranted. Yeah. She was recently arrested for having "relations" with one of her students. My question is, where the hell was she when I was in high school?

Jessica Simpson, eat your heart out.