I sit here, now in my 4th, and almost fifth month of unemployment wondering where the hell I went wrong. I wake up, job search and find that the last six years of my life were wasted on taking a road to nowhere with a hobo named Jarvis that would open my eyes to new levels of craptacularism. Jarvis being AOL that is…
You see, Jarvis taught me how to be cynical and conniving. It told me to take a hammer to Jiminy Crickets head if he dared chirp at me. For where I was there was no need for hope. All I needed were the brains of a chimp and the ability to accept what I was doing wouldn’t help the customer. For five years I thought, “Hey they can’t be that dumb.” or ,”They’ll listen this time.”
So here I am before you, at home, in my chonies and looking to gain my humanity back. Never again will I let a corporation take away pieces of me… well not unless they pay much better and give me some skills and experience I can take somewhere else… Ugh, if I do that then I’ll have to say how much I’ve wasted trying to be successful in the eyes of those around me. But at least I’ll be doing it from a leather chair in silk boxers.
Looking for a better life
::sniff:: ::sniff:: and crap like that…
Well if you take your computer to Best Buy for software work anytime soon, that is probably what you are doing. Some sadistic bean counter somewhere has discovered that they can lower the threshold on quality in order to save money in a new and disgusting way.
From what I’ve been reading, the scenario is as follows: you bring in your computer with its software problem, they hook it up to their network and turn on remote desktop. Some guy from India connects to it. Presumably he/she fixes the issue. Meanwhile Best Buy keeps just enough “tech” staff to sell you stuff, mind you, they aren’t particularly interested in fixing it.
But getting back to the remote computer connection. What else do they do? Peruse your files? They could. My issue with it has more to do with being outside US jurisdiction than what country they’re from.
If you think customer service accountability is bad, when it goes overseas it gets much, much worse. Having worked in tech support myself, I got to see what happened to customers who got inferior service from other locales. I used to call them the “magic button pushers”, because they would literally tell customers “I just pressed the server reset button and your problem will be gone in 5 minutes. There is of course, no such thing.
My brother has problems with his cell phone bill, the customer service is exclusively from India. They tell him after repeated calls that “all is well.” This while his phone is repeatedly turned off for non-payment of unexplained charges, even after he pays them. In short, there is little or no accountability when dealing with foreign customer service.
I’m getting off topic some, but I guess my point is, if talking to foreign customer service / tech support over the phone is an unreliable nightmare at times, there is no way in hell I’d trust them to have remote control over my computer. Though I’m sure they could fix a software problem, the lack of accountability and difference in quality standards makes things like identity theft a much more frightening prospect.
Ladies and Gentlemen….
The world is now safe. My mother was not allowed to bring her empanadas on board her flight home. For the uninitiated and the un-Mexican, empanadas are pastries which have a semi-circular dough like exterior and a filling that is the consistency of pumpkin pie filling. (and yes there are a few more cultures which have empanadas).
Well my mother called the airline for advice as to whether she could board with an empanada and they denied her due to it having a filling. Wow…
If this is what America is coming to I do not like it. I love this country but for the love of Pete, no empanadas. Although there are the many terrorists that will MacGyver a pastry to bring the crew of a plane to their knees. And God help us all if they had a Smuckers Uncrustable.
But if I were a terrorist I think I could smuggle in the necessary items without much hassle. I would disguise myself as a female kindergarten teacher. The large beaded necklace could be made out of C4 and the wire to attach to the power source would be in said necklace. I would then power it with a toilet paper roll wrapped with the necklace wire and then have the energy go into a capacitor which I would get from my “earrings”. Then I would eat paste and animal crackers while reflecting on my evil genius.
Things to be banned after the release of this article…
- Large-bead necklaces (good because they are freaky anyways)
- Toilet paper rolls
- Paste (bad because I need a tasty treat… well it is already banned I guess… well maybe not in gluestick form…)
At one time there was a great deal of speculation concerning AOL layoff rumors. That speculation is no more. It is now clear that all of the Tucson sites will be laid off in the near future (i.e. less than 6 months from now).
It’s an inevitable state of affairs if you look at AOL’s changing business model. They are changing revenue to be advertisement based and not subscription based. To accelerate that, they are giving free service to those who have high speed and do not want tech support. Clearly they are stepping away from a software platform, and embracing one that is web based. Hence no need for techs (us).
To make the possibility even more clear, they admitted to needing to layoff 5,000 people (duh), 3,000 of which will come from Europe. The other 2,000 will likely be us here in Tucson, and whatever callcenters remain (I think Abequerque). It is our belief that India will stay on to be the last techs. Why cut the cheap ones first? (thinking like an idiot bean counter).
So anyway we post here to put any speculation to rest, and plan for the future. Yes we were those guys that walked you through deleting files and reinstalling CD’s. Yes we wrote disgusting articles shortly after talking with you. We were those guys.
We hold little ill-will towards our employer. Much like you would not hold ill-will toward a retarded kid that hits you with a baseball he was playing with. You can’t get mad at him, because he’s retarded. The same holds for our company. I could go into a lengthy diatrabe about corporate stupidity. Let me just say, I have never understood the figure of speech “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”, more clearly than I have in the years I’ve been working at this company. For those about to be canned, we salute you!
And the jerk goes on…
Now it is my turn to ask the hard hitting questions. I’m not sure what will come of it but I know that your view of Portzer #1’s character will never be the same.
Portzer #2: What type of egg laying animal would you want to be and why?
Portzer #1: Roseanne Barr!! I would lay eggs everywhere and watch my little Roseannette spawns flood the world with bad 80’s humor.
(this made me squirm in my seat…)
Portzer #2: If I gave you two shrimp chips, fishing line, and swimming diapers what MacGyver like device would you be able to make?
Portzer #1: A restaurant sign editor in which I would be able to switch around letters on a restaurant name/logo. To give you a better example and a visual, I would edit the burger-god, “Fuddruckers” and switch the F and the R around. Can’t you see the potential of this device?!!
Portzer #2: I can see how that would be very useful. Now if you could prevent one type of member from calling who would they be?
Portzer #1: There is no such thing as a type of member, its more like a breed instead. Certain breeds can be tagged by their knowledge of computers and the internet, and even by the number of chromosomes and brain cells they have; some are even inbred. Some are taught how to “mersh” or “mash” the controls, and also discover that their Windows Operating System loads up slowly only “because they have dialup”. I want to laugh in their face. Among my favorites (actually quite dreaded) are the crazed chimpanzee members who act like they’re on some sort of experimental amphetamine; they are so riled up that they can’t see or talk straight. They click on buttons and type things when you don’t ask them to, they always talk when you try to talk. Its just like a reversed psychology case; when you tell them to click on something or enter text, they don’t respond. The way I deal with this breed is I tell them “do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit that ok button” then they respond with, “ok” and then they hit it. Works everytime.
Portzer #2: Wow, that is an eye opener. Makes me wonder if a member kennel is nearby. So have you ever made an online hookup? Found a female Naga Baba Babe or anything?
Portzer #1: I once met up with this nice lady from love@aol, and she appeared to be very sweet and I wanted to meet her. Well, we went out to dinner, had a very large meal, and lots of wine to go with it. She took me back to her house, and wanted to get intimate. I was still intoxicated, and foggy in the mind. She began to take her clothes off, and even though it was dark, I could determine she had a male-looking bulge by the crotch area. All of a sudden, it was like I became sober; I pushed her away and ran out of there like a bat into hell. I blocked her on my buddy list and mail filters, and trashed my love@aol profile. I never seen her again.
Portzer #2: Sounds like a rocky e-lationship. Imagine if you will, you are the most powerful man on earth with superpowers and could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be? Englighten us please.
Portzer #1: I would be a Gold farmer boss in China for the game, World of Warcraft. I will find ways to manipulate child daycare activities as well. Instead of playing with toys and games and singing and laughing, the children will play WoW instead to increase our financial gains. I will even stretch out this franchise to senior citizen convalescent homes; those folks still have some use in them.
Portzer #2: Simply marvelous use of resources. Now what would you rather drive a Ford Probe or a Moped?
Portzer #1: Umm, I think you asked me this question, due to the word, ‘probe’ in it. If you think I’m going to answer it like this, (in a silly voice) “ahah ah ha ha hah, I would get a probe so I can say, “I took my probe to work today instead of the bus!!!” Or, “I like driving my probe, its a smooth ride” Portzer #2, you stink!
Portzer #2: Touche good man. Touche. Well thank you for chatting with me. It was a disturbing experience.
As you can see, portzer #1 has a strange view of the world. Although his insight, at times, can be deep and profound. I now know what truly would happen if people were egg layers and it scares the hell out of me. Also I believe that portzer #1 has the mindset of a super-villian. He reminds me of a Lex Luthor or Mister Mxyzptlk, only with a trenchcoat and nothing underneath. A villian of the dirty flasher type.