Tia Tequila – who?

I hadn’t heard the name until seeing the “A Shot at love” reality show on some low rent TV channel when my cable went out.  I was surprised that they had a show with so many people vying for the affections of this girl.. A girl who looks like most any you’d find at your local strip club.  “What’s the catch?”,  I thought.  Oh, she’s bisexual.  That’s cool..  Hmm, this would be super controversial if it were, I dunno, 1999?  Not even the “touchy” subject of yesteryear seemed enough to justify this show.  I didn’t get it.

Out of morbid curiosity, I watched the whole episode.  16 Lesbians who looked like men, and 16 men, were competing to give her attention.  I don’t know a nice way to say this, but I think they could do much better.  Her tattoos made her look 10 years older than she is.  I was shocked to find out she was 26, I thought for sure she was pushing early/mid 30s.  Her personality is, average.  Just your typical, “I grew up in the suburbs but I’m embellishing the hood”, girl.

Anyhow, the season ends, she gets her guy (I seriously didn’t think any of the “women” had a chance.  They all looked like men – why settle for a woman who looks like a man when you can have, I dunno, a man?).  So besides that shocking discovery that she picked a dude over a dudely chick, my mind swept this out of relevance and I began thinking of more important things, such as whether to buy Bumblebee tuna or Starkist.  (Starkist won btw).

Just this last month I saw the show on again, “reruns” I think to myself.  But no, um, she’s back.. Wait, what?  Why?  The show was supposed to give her “A shot at love” and it did.  Next contestant.  But no, her 15 minutes of fame were apparently not enough.  What about the other girls that want a shot at love?  I honestly don’t care if she can or can’t find love at this point, she was given a perfectly good opportunity and either screwed it up or quit it for another shot at fame.  Yeah, we get it, you’re edgy.  You like girls and guys but will probably pick a guy again this time.  Kissing other girls for attention at bars became popular in the late 1990s, maybe it’s played out.

Sooner or later your biological clock will be ticking and you really will have to choose between a man and a life with women who look like Tom Jones. Don’t waste the chances you are given, sweet pea.

Portzer #3

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Sun gazing – new hobby for extreme idiots

Today we are going to talk about Sun gazing. This is a rare fad, that is starting to pick up some popularity (unfortunately). Some people do not understand the consequences of staring at the sun with their naked eyes, mostly out of sheer animal-like stupidity. But sometimes because they are willing to discard common sense and follow a few yahoos who say it is a good thing. So I’m going to reiterate the problems with this idea.

If you do a google search for sungazing, you will find dozens of sites proclaiming the usefulness of not only staring into the sun, but doing so for extended periods of time. It is mind boggling how people are perfectly wiling to find new and inventive ways to screw themselves for life. And this phenomenon is no different.

Before I dive into my rant, here is what you can expect as a “sun gazer.”

Here is what the grand canyon looks like, to a sun gazer:

Here is what hot lesbians kissing ,looks like to a sun gazer:

Here is what a beach vacation, looks like to a sun gazer:

As you might have noticed, there is a big black hole in the middle of each image. It’s not a mistake, that’s what life looks like when you’ve damaged your eyes by staring into the sun. It’s very simple science, the back of your eyeball called the “retina”, is responsible for interpreting light. When you stare at the sun, excessive ultraviolet light literally burns the back of your eyeball, until it is no longer sensitive to light. The result is a very large dead spot in your vision. In other words, don’t do it. You must be a dumbass to the 10th power to do something like this.

Now I will go into reasons people might do this. Some idiots stared at the sun, and told other idiots that it made them feel better. Cured their diseases, made them feel “invigorated”, and even increased their sex drive. I don’t know about you, but a big part of my sex drive comes from how people look. You can pretty much kiss that goodbye if you listen to their claims (I hate to sound “mean”, but if it saves someone’s eyesight, I’m willing to be insensitive for a bit).

What’s interesting about these sites, is that they all have disclaimers telling you “not to look into the sun.” This should not surprise you. This means that there is a very real likelihood of them getting sued for someone’s eye damage as a direct result of following their advice. They are telling you to do it, and not to do it at the same time. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit odd?

Let’s talk about sex drive, shall we? If you’re middle aged or above, and find your wang a little droopy there is a reason for this. It’s called nature. At that age you’re not supposed to be having children. You’re supposed to be either taking care of the ones you have, or enjoying retirement. It’s a natural process. Besides, if it was such a huge deal you could get hormone therapy and probably get some relief. I just hate to see people screw themselves over because some idiot gave them bad advice.

A lot of people have problems in their life, and are looking for answers, cures, etc. However adding to your problems by destroying your vision is probably not going to help. I’m not being mean to sun gazers, because in all likelihood they can’t read this.

portzer #3

AOL stole my soul for 2 months severance and a frisbee

I sit here, now in my 4th, and almost fifth month of unemployment wondering where the hell I went wrong.  I wake up, job search and find that the last six years of my life were wasted on taking a road to nowhere with a hobo named Jarvis that would open my eyes to new levels of craptacularism.  Jarvis being AOL that is…

You see, Jarvis taught me how to be cynical and conniving.  It told me to take a hammer to Jiminy Crickets head if he dared chirp at me.  For where I was there was no need for hope.  All I needed were the brains of a chimp and the ability to accept what I was doing wouldn’t help the customer.  For five years I thought, “Hey they can’t be that dumb.” or ,”They’ll listen this time.”

So here I am before you, at home, in my chonies and looking to gain my humanity back.  Never again will I let a corporation take away pieces of me… well not unless they pay much better and give me some skills and experience I can take somewhere else…  Ugh, if I do that then I’ll have to say how much I’ve wasted trying to be successful in the eyes of those around me.  But at least I’ll be doing it from a leather chair in silk boxers.

 Portzer #2

Looking for a better life

::sniff:: ::sniff:: and crap like that…

Nancy Grace upstaged by Dutch reporter named Vries

In an amazing twist of events on the drab, overplayed, and severely unnecessary Holloway coverage – a Dutch reporter pulls off the Super Bowl of stories, and makes Nancy Grace look like the peewee football league in comparison. The reporter set up some kind of sting operation on Van Der Sloot, involving cameras, fake friends, disgusting Dutch food, and a lot of patience. More than a week ago he was telling us that he had new information and would show it to us this Sunday, and he sure delivered.

His evidence and reporting in the case push Nancy grace squarely into irrelevancy on the topic. With Nancy’s appearance today touting Vries’s weeks old information as “breaking news – Holloway dumped at sea”, it’s clear that she exists off of the table scraps of real reporters. Meanwhile, no one knows if the admission on Vries’s tape was true or if it was a fabrication. Mr. Van Der Sloot has lied before, and he could be lying again. Or he could be lying about lying. Or he could be lying about lying about lying. The point is, without a body it’s still not proof of the crime. Though it does leave the guy in the hot seat.

But think about this for a moment – what if the admission was a distraction? What if he really hacked her up psycho style and buried the body, and this whole “she overdosed so I freaked out and dumped her in the ocean” scenario is just a seed planted to divert from the real murder? Who knows? Nancy however does not feel the need to think outside the box on this. Though she may just be happy to have something to report on, after so many agonizing months of repeating the same information.

In her frenzy to jump on last months news bandwagon, she’s overlooking the possibility of Van Der Sloot planting a less incriminating story. Cheers Nancy. Maybe there are some soccer moms out there that think you’ve got the scoop. But we know better.

Portzer#3

This just in.. Jessica Simpson, is still not hot

I’ve written about her before, but now it is even more apparent that Jessica Simpson is not hot.

e_jessicasimpson_325.jpg

Take a look at her in what appears to be granny panties, converted into pants. I’m not sure how she pulled this off, or if she just likes looking like a 1960s feminist (pants to your chest so as not to arouse men, and no bra). But if that’s what she wants to do, more power to her. I just think that some people should (if they are so inclined to let themselves go) stay out of the spotlight. I think she went downhill when she stopped singing and became a pseudo reality TV star. Musically, she wasn’t particularly talented. But she was good looking (at one point).

And when meshed with a handsome dolt of a boyfriend on the TV show Newylweds, she began a sort of upward spiral of celebrity-dom. (BTW it was Portzer#2 that thought Nick Lachey was handsome).

I’m sure by now that, no one knows why she’s famous. At this point, she’s famous because she’s famous. These kinds of things become self perpetuating. Indeed this is the case for many celebrities. Like a nuclear reaction, once started it no longer needs assistance to continue. The same holds true for a variety of celebrities who are “famous because they’re famous.”

Let’s look at a few more. Hm, Christina Richi, and Paris Hilton. Fame was kick started by a background of wealth, pseudo-famous family members, and a short lived TV show. But they became self perpetuating. Even though they really had nothing to offer the public, not particularly skilled in acting, or dancing, or driving, or even eating. In fact I’d say the average joe on the street is more skilled at eating than Nicole Richie and more skilled at driving than Paris Hilton. But they are famous. Why? Because people scream and say “omg it’s someone famous” when they’re around. But why are they famous? “I don’t know, cause they’re famous!” Clearly celebrity fame is dependent on mass hysteria.

I won’t say there aren’t really famous people, because there are. Take Louis Pasteur for example, that guy invented antibiotics. He was famous and still is well known. He had a reason to be famous. These other people, not so much.

Oh and just a pointer to Jessica Simpson, I’m a guy but I’m pretty sure the granny panties are supposed to go under the pants, and you should not try to reinforce them with a sewing machine and add leggings to them. That’s not hot.

Portzer #3